Wits end with everything

OP look at this logically.

Broke means not having a horse. It's that simple. If your household has a horse that costs that household £220 a month then it is madness to claim you are broke.

That £220 could be going towards all manner of other things including debt repayment.

This is absolute madness.

Again, you cannot claim to be flat broke with a horse that is costing £220 a month.

Can you see that?

Family meeting time.
you are all adults and all contribute to the mess so all need to contribute to the clean up. Roster of rooms to clean and who does it. Do not let them get away with not doing it. Short term pain for long term gain. You become a nag for a bit but it works in the end.
They need to cook 1 night a week each and clean up 2 nights.
They need to do their own washing and clean their rooms.
Daughter does garden in liu of rent until her work hours match everyone else’s.

If they don’t like it, there is the door as you can’t mentally and physically do it all anymore.
Either that, or they pay for cleaner and gardener.
My brother and his wife gave their DC options of helping around the house or paying someone else to do it. 1 DD helped and 1 DD paid. Work got done.
Good luck

If you’ve tried all the advice on the thread and those you’ve thought of yourself and to no avail, you may just have to accept this is your life now and carry on as you are.

Alternatively you could just pack some stuff and run away for a while. Leave the house to the slobs and maybe with you not being there, they’ll work out how to wash their socks, maintain a clean living space and other bits of adulting.

What a mess ☹️.

@Isurrender I really feel for you, you’ve clearly been through a horrible time and need more support. Expecting that from your DC shouldn’t be too much.

In your OP you use the phrase, ‘unless I ask’ over and over again. Asking isn’t working is it? Time for a family meeting where you speak from the heart and tell them how close to a breakdown you feel. Give them an opportunity to speak and be listened to but the bottom line is this: you are not children and you all have to contribute. You TELL your DD (and to a slightly lesser extent your DS in view of their working hours) what is expected of them and you TELL them that this is non negotiable. You can make their lives quite uncomfortable if you choose to but would much prefer that everyone adults up and does their bit.

Although your DH isn’t at home he doesn’t seem to feature much in your life, is he any support to you?

Best wishes.

I asked her for six weeks to pick up a blanket she’d thrown out of her car. I eventually removed it.

The fact you are paying towards her bills while she works 11 hours a week, has a horse and behaves this way is absolute lunacy.

Six weeks to pick up a blanket and you paid for her to have luxuries for every one of those weeks?

You’re a martyr to keep doing things like your son’s laundry and cooking. Just stop doing it and he will be forced to do it himself, I understand eventually relenting and doing things like emptying bins in communal areas when you ask your kids to do them and they don’t, but why would you relent when asked to do his laundry? If you tell him he needs to do his own laundry and he doesn’t bother the consequence is his to shoulder, not yours. Separate laundry baskets is an easy thing to put in place and then just do your own and don’t worry about when and if your adult children do their own laundry, that’s on them to manage. The same when it comes to cooking meals or buying food they like etc, stop doing it for them and they will have no choice but to step up.

You are right, they aren’t listening to you. This is why posters are recommending ACTION.

Start with the laundry baskets and using the money you’ve been giving DD to pay for garden to be sorted.

Give DC notice to move out if they won’t contribute financially.

Your dd is taking the piss op

I'm assuming the 20k loan was re: a court case in respect of DH's finances? Bit of a leap on my part but reading between the lines it's how I see it.

You're very lucky your 24yo was willing and able to secure such a loan and shoulder such a responsibility. He works a lot of hours per week, but yes should have been able to find some time last summer to help with the garden (but who else would be doing it with him?)

He probably isn't very motivated to offer more help when he see's his sister being bankrolled (who paid for her car?)

Cut her off, she needs to work may and pay her own way.

You need a reset
dd needs to get a ft job and contribute
ds needs to help as well as work

Simple.

Sounds like they need a 'come to jesus' moment.
Sit them BOTH down together and lay it out, brutally.
You can't afford the horse. It's £220 a month that could be going towards a cleaner/gardener/bills. She has until X date and horse will be advertised for loan. This can be avoided by her getting a job and paying herself. You have to absolutely mean this. They know you don't follow through with what you say so don't bother doing anything. The blanket that was outside the car? Bin.
The garden needs to be a JOINT effort. One day of you all working together to pull weeds and cut back should make a huge difference. If not you will be cancelling something (phones/TV subscription/wi-fi) to pay for a one off gardener to strip it all back. One day is no big ask from each of them.
You won't be doing any of their washing from now on. They do it themselves. If they don't, they have no clean clothes and that's their problem. Anything left on the floor for a few days in the bathroom gets binned. Same goes for shit left round the house.
You need to stop being a door mat OP. Put your foot down and mean it.

If he’s been living at home rent free and has all food etc paid for and doesn’t do any chores for over 3 years that still amounts to paying under £7k a year in rent, food etc whilst never having to do any laundry, cooking, general household chores etc. The OP says her son earns over £10k a year more than her annually, so it sounds like he must have a good salary, I don’t think what has amounted to under £600 a month is exactly giving a good contribution to the household for an adult earning more than his parents?

Where is your husband in all of this.

first off take the court case out of it, for your relationship with your children it is irrelevant and nothing to do with them. You have no money because of this not because of your children

then if your DD is taking on the horse your 24 year old son should pay rent and should have been for awhile. And you constantly say the horse is also yours so why is that in her debt sheet

then get equality in - all do chores if you live together. And remember your dd is 18 at that age your son was at Uni. Help her find what she wants to do in life

What do you say when your son says he has no clean socks?

can you do a washing machine rota so that your dd has from 8-12 to use it, you have 12-4 and your son has from 4-8 for example? Then your dd can’t use the “the wash has finished” excuse because she has a set time it’s free for her to use

Op, what is in your power to control here? I see two things- you stop paying phone and car tax for your daughter. Tell her she is choosing to only work a few hours, and contributes nothing around the house.
buy two more laundry bins. Chuck your sons things in one and your daughters in the other. Never think of them again, but tell them if the bins get overloaded the only thing you are going to do is black bag the excess and take it out with the rubbish or to the charity shop. You’re not a charity and they are adults.

Perhaps save the money you aren’t paying your dd for phone and car tax and hire someone to blitz the garden, you will feel much better.

You’re just coming across as a martyr now.

Stop doing it all. The housework, the financial handouts, all of it.

DD in particular needs to work FT and contribute properly.

I don’t think you are going to follow any of the advice here though.

Your dh is missing in action. That would change as well.

I'm baffled at how you say there is no money when you're allowing your daughter to work 11 hours a week and spend £220 a month on having a horse.

For those of us who have been really hard up, it's unfathomable to allow that while allowing your son to take out a £20k loan to help bail out your husband whose behaviour wrecked the whole family's stability, while someone in the household is spending £220 a month on a horse, working three hours a week and she's not even doing chores? That is not a home acting as if it's in financial crisis.

A son taking out a £20k to bail out his parents and lending his sister more money? He is suffering hugely disproportionately through no fault of his own. I would feel so resentful if I was him.

He shouldn't get out of chores, I'm not saying he should but I would be very disappointed in my daughter and fucking furious with my husband.

Op I hear you. Honestly I really do. From one worn out mother to another.

Its quite fundamental the number of times you have said I can’t expect…

I can’t expect ds to pay rent due to the loan
I can’t expect ds to do housework after a 57 hour week

I can’t expect dd to do housework if ds isn’t

You have come up with the excuses for them! Meanwhile they just sit back and let you kill your self trying to do it all.

It’s a self worth issue. You CAN and should expect all of this and more..

I would have a family meeting and say to dd if she lets you down the first thing to go is the phone contract, followed by the car tax, gym and list everything you pay for. She gets a job in the next four weeks or this all goes. She isn’t working or a business - it’s a hobby.

They both pull their weight after every meals, with the laundry and pet care.

I would get a cleaner not to do their jobs but to do your share. The basics.

I would consider a weekend spa break just for you, and cutting your hours. You sound burnt out op.

The thread has been derailed with money chat. Get your adult kids to function. All the self pity in the world is not going to produce two functional members of society. At least the son is employed, but leaves his mess for a woman to pick up which is depressing.
Can you move? Downsize. The adults can house themselves. Why is your husband never there? Is the marriage over?

Your son took out and is paying back a £20,00 loan on your and your husband's behalf, he lent you £2,000 for a car, he lent his sister money and he works 11.5 hours a day, I wouldn't be getting out of bed to do your garden either.

DD needs to get a FT job and pay rent, or fuck off and live somewhere else.

DS needs to step up with helping you in house and garden, as does DD.

You need to get tough OP.