Wits end with everything

What about if you sit down and calmly tell them you’re really struggling both financially and physically. Ask if they would be willing to help in any way?

Tell your daughter you can’t pay for her phone and car anymore but you will pay her a certain amount for chores? Otherwise you’ll need to use that money to pay a cleaner or dog walker.

Why have they been bought up so spoilt?
stop babying them and force them to grow up!!

go on strike for a few days or stay in a hotel and leave them to it - sorry to say, you’ve allowed their behaviours so need to change your approach

Who gives a shit who pays what or how much each one works. They live there, eat, use everything. I'd tell them both to sort out the chores between them without your assistance. House is spotless and looked after or they can both get the fuck out.

Your son sounds exactly like all the terrible lazy husband posts ive seen on here, just because he works doesnt mean he shouldn't have to clean up after himself, but your enabling him by giving him excuses. Your expecting your daughter to be a maid, no wonder she is pushing back. They both need to clean up after themselves and empty the bins etc equally, and stop paying for her phone and tax, your also enabling her.

We've seen this chapter and verse on here a million times before.

You're enabling her.

Horse?!? Is she a princess?

To be honest your daughter doesn't sound that bad if she does your washing up! I think everyone doing their own washing up would be the best solution and agree a time frame that you all stick to.

Everyone does their own laundry and tidying up.

And get a cleaner with the rent your son is paying.

Your son can do the garden and you can do the food shop online, then share the cooking. But if your daughter doesn't eat dinner she shouldn't have to cook and clear up.

She leaves it because she knows there are no consequences if she doesn't do it.

Stop being a pushover. Look at your username. Change it to MyHouseIMakeTheRules.

@TheSandgroper

"Sell the horse no matter how much it breaks your heart. Needs must. You can always get another"

It's not a car or some other inanimate object to get rid of.

The children are in two very different situations.

The 24 year old presumably had a more stable childhood and was supported to age 18 and beyond (assuming it was before your court case).

Your 18 year old moved out of home (when under 18?) because you weren't very nice to her. She's also only just out of full time education (? Six months). It is not unusual for 18 year olds to not jump straight into full time work immediately being out of school.

I hate to say but I think you have some making up to do as the parent. You let her down when she was most vulnerable. She is learning to trust you again and this will take time.

I have a 19 year old daughter who lives at home for free. She works quite a lot and goes to uni (one or two days per week for about six months of the year). She does minimal chores. She covers her own expenses but I would still pay some things eg medical.

I would start with the 24 year old. He should be paying market rent if he's in a full time job. Spend some of that on the cleaner. I would also give him specific jobs to do, sounds like the garden would be a good one - clear parameters on what you expect and he can get that done at weekends.

The daughter I think you will have to give some leeway for another 18 months or so but set expectations that she will be expected to pay her phone and contribute to her horse by xx (? Maybe end of 2024). Also clarify some house rules eg the make up and bathroom floor plus agreed chores.

You need to sit down as a trio and state that now everyone is living in the house as adults things need to change a bit. I'd acknowledge that the last lot of months have been really hard on all of you and its affected relationships but that you want to work on this together. Then agree boundaries and responsibilities. Give each of you equal chores around the house (if your son worked full time and had his own place he'd be doing everything so asking him to do an equal 3rd is not unfair). Get them to pick which chores they would like to do taking into account your bad back. Then I'd also agree some things that would make it a nicer place to live, for example can you have a family night where you all chill and watch a movie and get snacks in, or a boardgames night or do a family outing bowling or something that doesn't cost a fortune. I'd speak to your dd about the horse and explain that as a family you're not in the same financial position any more so if she wants to keep the horse, she needs to be working full time and paying towards it unless she's going to go on into further education. Help her arrange a meeting with a careers advisor and recruitment coach to get her started. There's support out there for young entrepreneurs, make sure she's engaged with a local business hub that does mentoring and who will go over her business plan with her and make sure it's viable.

Ultimately, it's your home and your financial mess to rebuild from, not theirs. You need to have some direct conversations with your dh wherever he is at to discuss whether you can realistically keep the horse, and if you need to move or downsize to ease the pressure you're under. I understand you feel highly connected to your horse and they're a part of the family but they are a huge expense every month and if its putting more pressure on your actual children to pay towards your bills then i think you need to rethink that. If your dd is working 11hrs a week and isn't in education then surely she would be entitled to universal credit? I'd contact citizens advice local to you to ensure you're all in receipt of what you can get.

Allocate chores (maybe a chore chart) that way everyone knows what's expected of them and when.

She is far too young to be setting up her own business and far too stupid quite honestly! I mean that in a nice way in the way that a lot of us were stupid at that age. Starting her own business is going to be 10 times more work than working for someone else and she wouldn't be in profit for a long time. She is far too lazy to work for herself. Tell her to get a full-time job pronto.

Do you own your own house and is there a mortgage on it? Why does your husband work away, is he in a job like the army? It sounds to me as though he's got it really easy.

The horse is creating financial problems I understand why you don't want to sell it but can you realistically recover from the financial problems without selling it?

I would be very tempted to say to your kids that I was selling or giving up the house I'm going to move into one bed flat on my own. Your husband could come and stay whenever he's home.

You need a really serious meeting with both of them. It sounds so your son is a good lad but he still needs to put his own washing on and wash up his own dishes just as he would if he was in his own house.

As for her make up I would take it to work and leave it there until she cleaned the house. It's not on that she can fall out with people and stop work and expect you to pick up the financial sacrifice.

That sounds like a good option!

Your Dd is copying her Brother by not helping in the House because he doesn't. So why is she not copying him and getting a full time job like him too.

Stop paying your daughter's phone and car tax. Make a schedule of chores for son and daughter. Tell them that if they don't do the chores then they are free to move out.

Sell the horse no matter how much it breaks your heart. Needs must. You can always get another one.

Stop paying for the phone. I can see why you pay the car tax - keep that.

And more tough love. Clean the kitchen then ban her from it. Toss clothes out of the bathroom window.

Admittedly, some kids take longer than others to grow up but, sometimes, teenagers need a slap in the face with a wet fish.