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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another Bridezilla one....

163 replies

Reallyareyoukiddingme · 19/01/2024 18:42

I'm pretty sure IANBU but I needed advice on how to handle this situation!

I've been friends with a woman for around 10 years - let's call her Michaela. She and I worked together but bonded fairly quickly and we have stayed close despite me moving jobs. She was my bridesmaid when I got married a few years ago and we see each other probably every six months or so (I have to organise these).

Her relationship started around the same time as mine but for various reasons she was never expecting her OH to propose to her. He subsequently has and she is obviously very excited about this, and has asked me to be her bridesmaid. But her wedding plans are utterly out of control.

Her OH is from a religious background so she's having a big religious wedding up north, plus the religious ceremony (non legally binding). She's also having a legal wedding party in her home town - AND is planning a (non legal, non religious, just fun) destination wedding in a fairly expensive country in Europe. All of this is....fine.... though I am slightly stressed as to how I'll afford this both money wise and holiday allowance wise, but I'm very happy to attend all parts of it.

The problem came when she started discussing a hen do - again abroad, in a different European capital city. I was caught slightly on the hop when she first mentioned it and went along with the very vague initial planning stages, but I realised fairly quickly it was going to be a) my idea of hell (very late nights clubbing etc) and b) totally unaffordable in the context of all the other money I'm spending. So I messaged her to say how I was really sorry, but realised money was more of an issue than expected, and while I was delighted to be attending all parts of the wedding itself I just couldn't make the hen do work. I would have called her to chat through this but she hates phone calls and refuses to answer them, so a message was my only option.

She has since totally ignored me. I left it a week or so then messaged again, asking how wedding plans were going etc, and if I could help with anything. She has ignored that too.
BUT weirdly has added me to the bridesmaid WhatsApp group. There's lots of chat on there about plans to meet up and chat about the hen do, talk about the various wedding logistics etc - but no one is addressing me directly and she's still ignoring me.

WIBU to message her and say I was voluntarily stepping down from my BM duties? I really don't want to even go to the wedding at this point, and I'm so disappointed by her behaviour - I just can't imagine how she's justifying it to herself. But I am loathe to throw away so many years of friendship over something pretty petty in the grand scheme of things.

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 22/01/2024 13:29

I wonder how genuinely happy the other bridesmaids are, if the expenses etc are so great?
Do you have any other way of contacting them? They are probably being assured that you are perfectly happy with arrangements, possibly beginning to get cold feet, but don't want to be the first one to "break ranks".
I think the lack of communication is telling; heaven forbid that you would be comparing notes!

pinkyredrose · 22/01/2024 13:19

Op if you never contacted her to arrange meet ups would she contact you?

pinkyredrose · 22/01/2024 13:17

A true friend wouldn't treat you like that. Who the fuck has 3 weddings and a hen do abroad!? It must be costing people a fortune to attend.

I'd definitely not go to any of the wedding, not anymore.

Coyoacan · 22/01/2024 13:06

I'm so sorry, OP. But life has taught me that when I lose one friend through no fault of my own, they are soon replaced by valuable new friends

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 22/01/2024 09:05

SisterMichaelsHabit · 19/01/2024 19:22

Three wedding celebrations is ridiculous. Two is enough for anyone (assuming long travel between bride and groom's family; this worked well for an English friend who was marrying a woman from China). Your friend's gone massively overboard and it sounds like she's got an "all or nothing" mentality that means she can't cope with you having reasonable boundaries like saying no to her out of control spending of other people's money.

Edited

two is fairly standard where I´m at. The registry (which is usually followed by something smaller with immediate families, witnesses etc.) and then the church (temple, non-religious ceremony...) wedding followed with a party.

If you have family abroad there will be a 3rd. That´s how I´ve been to a registry wedding in Switzerland, church wedding of the same couple in France but not to the 3rd (!) wedding in China...

But that´s not the point. I would talk to the "friend" IRL and then - depending on the general feel of that talk etc. - tell her that I´d be stepping down.

MzHz · 22/01/2024 09:04

@Reallyareyoukiddingme honestly, you’ve done what you can and she’s still a dick.

send the message to the WhatsApp group and leave her to it.

zoom1982 · 22/01/2024 08:37

She's no loss OP,you've done what you can so walk away with a clear conscience. Just wait until the remaining bridesmaids find out the cost of this extravaganza! She'll be lucky to end up with one nevermind nine.

EvilElsa · 22/01/2024 08:18

At this stage I'd leave the WhatsApp group and assume I wasn't a bridesmaid anymore (I wouldn't be one now anyway after all this). I wouldn't make further contact. You've saved yourself lots of money at least!!

BunniesRUs · 22/01/2024 08:17

Will you miss her friendship?? That matters I guess for your plan of action.

TerfTalking · 22/01/2024 08:11

I'd drop out of the Whatsapp and ghost her now. You are not important to her.

Codlingmoths · 22/01/2024 08:09

WhatsApp group it is!
Hi all, I will leave the group now as it doesn’t make sense to go to 3 weddings for a bride who isn’t speaking to me. My finances are relieved at least if not my feelings! all the best.

Original poster
Reallyareyoukiddingme · 22/01/2024 08:05

Unsurprisingly - no reply. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 21/01/2024 12:07

@Minglingpringle

Fair enough

sockmuncher · 21/01/2024 11:45

I would send a message and back out and then remove myself from the WhatsApp group.

A little life lesson for her that she can't treat people like shit when she doesn't get her own way.

MCOut · 21/01/2024 11:37

I think that was a good response. The fact that she’s added you to the bridesmaid group shows that she knows that she’s being ridiculous. It sounds like she’s trying to avoid facing her poor behaviour. It’s clear from your message that you’re prepared to extend her a lot of grace, which is kind of you.

You would not be unreasonable at all to decide to step down, ignoring you since November, because you were rightly honest about being unable to afford a hen do is shocking. I have a friend who had multiple events for cultural reasons, a few of us couldn’t make all of them and she was so understanding.

Minglingpringle · 21/01/2024 11:25

Coyoacan · 20/01/2024 21:07

Sorry, IMHO, that is verging on groveling

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter that you perceive it as grovelling. In no respect would it actually be grovelling.

  1. OP’s friend would perceive it as kind and reasonable.

  2. OP herself would not be grovelling. This would be a mechanism to keep the doors of communication open so that the true facts can be established (since, as I understand it, OP wants to save the relationship if her friend turns out not to be too horrible). OP is under no illusions that her friend appears to have behaved badly. She is also quite clear about what she is and is not willing to do for her friend. However, if she jumps to conclusions and alienates her friend in the process she loses the opportunity to understand all the facts.

Many relationships have been damaged because people lack the confidence to be a little humble and cut the other person some slack, valuing their pride more.

Coyoacan · 20/01/2024 21:07

Minglingpringle · 19/01/2024 19:36

No need to break off the friendship. And no need to do anything you don’t want to do. She’s gone a bit loopy for her wedding but just see it through and you’ll probably both care less about it all in a few months if you keep it low key.

First send her a message to make everything clear. “Hi, haven’t heard from you for a while - hope you’re not ignoring me! Just want to check we’re on the same page and you know I’m not going to the hen do. Looking forward to all the other wedding bits.”

If she ignores that, follow up a few days later with “Hi, I’m getting a bad feeling you’re ignoring me. If I’m right, I guess you’re probably upset with me for some reason. Does that mean you don’t want me to come to your wedding any more? If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume you don’t want me there and I won’t attend. But do let me know if you want me to come because obviously I’d love to be there!”

And then leave the ball in her court and forget about it. If she doesn’t reach out, yes, you’ve lost a friend, for the time being at least, but there was really nothing you could do. If she reaches out, you can still be friends if you still want to. But try not to give it much head space or let it upset you. Just be straightforward and see what happens.

Sorry, IMHO, that is verging on groveling

AnneValentine · 20/01/2024 20:43

Reallyareyoukiddingme · 20/01/2024 18:16

@AnneValentine the thought has occurred to me!
OK, I've sent a message - along the lines of we need to talk about this, you're obviously angry, I can speak on the phone tomorrow or one night this week.
Will update, I know how annoying an unresolved thread can be!

Prepare to be ignored!

Original poster
Reallyareyoukiddingme · 20/01/2024 18:16

@AnneValentine the thought has occurred to me!
OK, I've sent a message - along the lines of we need to talk about this, you're obviously angry, I can speak on the phone tomorrow or one night this week.
Will update, I know how annoying an unresolved thread can be!

OP posts:
AnneValentine · 20/01/2024 15:15

Send her a link to this thread.

jackstini · 20/01/2024 14:53

I would just completely leave it and stay on the WhatsApp group - ball is in her court

Sooner or later things will reach the stage of getting booked and needing deposits. It will be interesting to see if everyone ends up actually going on everything once the costs are out there...

Also it will require specific replies on who is going. You can send reply 'as mentioned in November I can't do hen do but can do XYZ'
There might be 9 other bridesmaids who are dying to drop out of 1 or more bits!

You need to stay on to keep us updated Wink

Onelifeonly · 20/01/2024 14:42

Three weddings and nine other bridesmaids plus hen abroad - this is Bridezilla x 1000. You don’t stand a chance of getting a reasonable response AND you make all the running in the friendship. I’d say time to give up on this so-called friendship.

Friends should add something positive to your life. There’s nothing special about being one of 10 bridesmaids - probably the only 10 women she knows.

To have ignored you since the end of November makes your worth clear - you have none to her as an actual person, just as someone she can use (and abuse).

I’d send one last message saying you are happy to be bridesmaid (if you still are) but you need confirmation of what will be involved by x date, and after that you will assume she no longer needs you as part of her wedding.

Then focus on your other friends or look to make new ones. I’ve lost what I thought were good friends, usually due to circumstances, and it is sad but life moves on. For the first time ever (decades long friendship) I had a round robin letter this year from one old friend (after Christmas which seemed insulting in itself) and it made me realise she has never once put herself out for me and the times long ago when I did go to visit, she often paid me little attention. I decided to simply give up as she is not worth it.

BeardieWeirdie · 20/01/2024 14:37

OMG if you drop out now, the photo of her with 5 bridesmaids to the left and only 4 to the right will look absolutely shite on Instagram. How could you do this to her, OP? Sheesh.

UpUpUpU · 20/01/2024 14:37

Hi bridezilla. As you haven’t responded in 2 months I am assuming you are upset with my lack of funds and not being able to attend your fourth celebration. After checking finances and speaking to my husband I have made the decision to step down from bridesmaid duties.
i would still love to attend (choose which wedding is easier) and I look forward to being a part of your happy day(s) as a guest.

PossumintheHouse · 20/01/2024 14:25

I’m surprised by the amount of grace some previous posters are giving this bride. Her wedding expectations are frankly insane - three weddings, various far away destinations and with so much expense to boot?! And then you dare to admit you can’t afford the fourth event and have been ignored since November?!
There’s often a lot of talk about brides going a bit bonkers and turning into bridezillas due to the months of planning madness. These princess brides are showing you who they really are.
I’d want nothing more to do with her, and I’d have lost it by now and sent a stern message. Putting it kindly.

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