Another Bridezilla one....

I think I would say that she doesn't know the meaning of hurt until a supposed friend ignores her for TWO MONTHS. And leave it there. If you engage you'll end up resenting the bajillion pounds you end up spending.

didn't know how to deal with it so just buried my head in the sand and dealt with it terribly
Do you really want to be bridesmaid to a bride like this?
I can tell you now that it's going to be stressful and a disaster. Pull out, before the others do and you are left as last-woman-standing.

"Her OH is from a religious background so she's having a big religious wedding up north, plus the religious ceremony (non legally binding). She's also having a legal wedding party in her home town - AND is planning a (non legal, non religious, just fun) destination wedding in a fairly expensive country in Europe. All of this is....fine.... though I am slightly stressed as to how I'll afford this both money wise and holiday allowance wise, but I'm very happy to attend all parts of it."

Are you really? I wouldn't be. She'd hate being my friend and I would be struck dead because I'd not agree to three weddings involving travel, annual leave and expense for anyone.
All nine (9!) bridesmaids in it for the whole three weddings AND the hen do are they? Think she's going to see a few no-shows along the process.
Her mindset and behaviour is unrealistic and selfish. I'd not be impressed with her whatsoever. Yanbu.

I'm not overly fussed about birthdays, but I'd be deeply hurt if a close friend didn't acknowledge it. A simple text is enough! She was 'punishing' you by ignoring it. She was showing you that she doesn't care about you.

She's expecting so much from you but won't give anything back. Tells you all you need to know.

For me I think I’d want rid of this friend. I’d tell her that friendship is a two way street and that it’s been a pretty lonely road for you. I’d tell her that you don’t have unlimited funds to fly off to Europe and scoot around the UK and the hen do on top. That you find her attitude hurtful and showing a lack of empathy. I’d tell her hope her wedding is great but you find the whole thing quite wearing so you’re out. And then I’d not bother with her. If that’s too harsh, at least let her know you’ve been hurt and bewildered by her sending you to Coventry over money you haven’t got.

Good grief, this sounds batshit!
I’d continue dropping out of being a bridesmaid- she sounds like a self obsessed bellend, does she contribute positively to your life at all?

This sounds like an absolute nightmare.
Add up all it's going to cost and look at it.
Would you prefer to spend and put up with a bridezilla for the duration
Or send a text
'Dcf I've been looking at the expectations of your bridesmaids and I'm sorry I'm going to pull out of the position. I still value our friendship but I do not have the money or holidays available to be able to do you proud. If possible I'd love to come and see you get married when you're in x city but I realise that's a decision you'll have to make. Again I value your friendship but will have to pull out'

And then smile at all the money you've just saved.

I get so tired of this pattern.

Unreasonable demand, so you politely say no.
CF punishes you by giving you the cold shoulder.
CF continues to ignore you - missing your birthday - until you leave the what's app group.
CF then, by way of apology, says that you hurt and upset her (didn't do exactly what she wanted) and she didn't know what to do? (How about replying to messages?)
CF welcomes you back into the fold and unwritten rule is that she expects to you to continue to comply with all her requests as before, now that you know what your punishment will be if you don't. No mention of missing your birthday.

I agree with
@Acapulco12 take some time to decide what you want to do and reply when you are ready. I think if you continued to say you couldn't come to the hen do, you'd be firmly back at square one.

So she’s self-obsessed enough to want three weddings and a hen do, all of which she expected you to faithfully attend and shell out for, yet she did nothing - didn’t even reach out with a birthday text - for your milestone birthday?!?
Fuck that, in the bin! That message also reeks of self-importance. Take your time to reply, but I wouldn’t be replying with anything positive at this point. What a brat.

If I were you I would only go to 1 of the weddings plus the hen do.

My BIL also had 3 wedding ceremonies. One religious one in one part of the country (as his wife to be is Muslim), one legal one in his home town, and a destination one overseas. We only went the the legal one. My DH was best man so he also went to the stag do.

TBH, most of the guests only went to 1 or 2, there were very few people who went to all 3.

I definitely don’t think you need to reply straightaway. Sleep on it and take some time for a couple of days to think about you whether you want to reply. You definitely don’t have to reply if you don’t want to.

Are you female OP? I've assumed so based on the fact that you've said bridesmaid and most posters on here are female.
Why would she describe you as a brother?

So she didn't acknowledge your 40th birthday? Would she normally acknowledge birthdays?

If she wants you to be a bridesmaid she needs to do a hell of a lot more work.

Having been in a similar situation a few months ago with someone I thought was a good friend - my message was 'Too little, too late' and blocked everywhere.

You're her brother?

Quite.

My advice was going to be as she’s ignoring you - don’t contact her. But hey ho you did - she’s still ignoring you.

Disconnect from the WhatsApp group, decline the wedding invites.

Problem solved.

Even if you decided to go, I bet you would never hear from her again after the wedding(s).

So absolutely no point spending all that money and time.

Ah OP that's shit.

I'd probably send one more message in a week or so and just say something like
"Hi, I haven't heard back from you since X so it's obvious you're not talking to me. I really don't want to lose this friendship but I can't be a bridesmaid for you if you can't talk to me. If I don't hear from you, I'll take that as my cue and leave the bridesmaids WhatsApp group and step back."

Lol, of course she's not replied to your message. Do you know any of the other bridesmaids? Could you message one and ask if she's heard anything?

"...we see each other probably every six months or so (I have to organise these)."

It doesn't sound like she's ever been much of a friend.