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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another Bridezilla one....

163 replies

Reallyareyoukiddingme · 19/01/2024 18:42

I'm pretty sure IANBU but I needed advice on how to handle this situation!

I've been friends with a woman for around 10 years - let's call her Michaela. She and I worked together but bonded fairly quickly and we have stayed close despite me moving jobs. She was my bridesmaid when I got married a few years ago and we see each other probably every six months or so (I have to organise these).

Her relationship started around the same time as mine but for various reasons she was never expecting her OH to propose to her. He subsequently has and she is obviously very excited about this, and has asked me to be her bridesmaid. But her wedding plans are utterly out of control.

Her OH is from a religious background so she's having a big religious wedding up north, plus the religious ceremony (non legally binding). She's also having a legal wedding party in her home town - AND is planning a (non legal, non religious, just fun) destination wedding in a fairly expensive country in Europe. All of this is....fine.... though I am slightly stressed as to how I'll afford this both money wise and holiday allowance wise, but I'm very happy to attend all parts of it.

The problem came when she started discussing a hen do - again abroad, in a different European capital city. I was caught slightly on the hop when she first mentioned it and went along with the very vague initial planning stages, but I realised fairly quickly it was going to be a) my idea of hell (very late nights clubbing etc) and b) totally unaffordable in the context of all the other money I'm spending. So I messaged her to say how I was really sorry, but realised money was more of an issue than expected, and while I was delighted to be attending all parts of the wedding itself I just couldn't make the hen do work. I would have called her to chat through this but she hates phone calls and refuses to answer them, so a message was my only option.

She has since totally ignored me. I left it a week or so then messaged again, asking how wedding plans were going etc, and if I could help with anything. She has ignored that too.
BUT weirdly has added me to the bridesmaid WhatsApp group. There's lots of chat on there about plans to meet up and chat about the hen do, talk about the various wedding logistics etc - but no one is addressing me directly and she's still ignoring me.

WIBU to message her and say I was voluntarily stepping down from my BM duties? I really don't want to even go to the wedding at this point, and I'm so disappointed by her behaviour - I just can't imagine how she's justifying it to herself. But I am loathe to throw away so many years of friendship over something pretty petty in the grand scheme of things.

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 29/01/2024 21:26

Reallyareyoukiddingme · 29/01/2024 21:20

UPDATE: I have messaged her.

But you didn’t just bury your head in the sand - you ignored me for over six weeks because I can’t afford your hen do and that included not even getting in touch on my 40th birthday. You’ve only got in touch now because I left the bridesmaid group. I suggested meeting up twice but again, you just ignored me. Given all that’s happened, I can’t be a bridesmaid. We’ve been friends for a long time and this is not a great way to have this conversation, so if you would like to meet up then I'd be happy to do that.

Very well put! She can't really argue with that as it's all there in black and white. As the kids say, you've got the receipts.

While I hope she does get back to you and apologises properly and tries to make it up to you, I have a feeling she won't even reply and will be spinning stories behind your back.

Do you have many mutual friends?

AnneValentine · 29/01/2024 21:25

Reallyareyoukiddingme · 29/01/2024 21:20

UPDATE: I have messaged her.

But you didn’t just bury your head in the sand - you ignored me for over six weeks because I can’t afford your hen do and that included not even getting in touch on my 40th birthday. You’ve only got in touch now because I left the bridesmaid group. I suggested meeting up twice but again, you just ignored me. Given all that’s happened, I can’t be a bridesmaid. We’ve been friends for a long time and this is not a great way to have this conversation, so if you would like to meet up then I'd be happy to do that.

Go you!

PossumintheHouse · 29/01/2024 21:23

Reallyareyoukiddingme · 29/01/2024 21:20

UPDATE: I have messaged her.

But you didn’t just bury your head in the sand - you ignored me for over six weeks because I can’t afford your hen do and that included not even getting in touch on my 40th birthday. You’ve only got in touch now because I left the bridesmaid group. I suggested meeting up twice but again, you just ignored me. Given all that’s happened, I can’t be a bridesmaid. We’ve been friends for a long time and this is not a great way to have this conversation, so if you would like to meet up then I'd be happy to do that.

Very well done. Assertive and dignified.

Original poster
Reallyareyoukiddingme · 29/01/2024 21:20

UPDATE: I have messaged her.

But you didn’t just bury your head in the sand - you ignored me for over six weeks because I can’t afford your hen do and that included not even getting in touch on my 40th birthday. You’ve only got in touch now because I left the bridesmaid group. I suggested meeting up twice but again, you just ignored me. Given all that’s happened, I can’t be a bridesmaid. We’ve been friends for a long time and this is not a great way to have this conversation, so if you would like to meet up then I'd be happy to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallyareyoukiddingme · 26/01/2024 18:56

@Saschka that made me laugh!! She's a couple of years younger than me. But not many!

Thank you so much all of you for the support and considered words. I am definitely not replying in a hurry.

OP posts:
Cowhen · 26/01/2024 18:53

Thanks for updating, OP! She's left you hanging for 2 months. You're well within your rights to leave it a few days while you think about what you want to do.

She's disappointed? Of course. Hurt? That's just unfair. She's 'hurt' that you can't afford to do a 4th activity? Selfish.

Saschka · 26/01/2024 18:49

OP, is she 40 as well? I assumed early 20s, so prone to childishness and no sense of perspective. If she’s 40 as well, wow. Mr Bridezilla must be considering his life choices.

cauliflowerqueen · 26/01/2024 18:34

She's acted like a spoilt child, and it doesn't seem she's an amazing friend at the best of times. She sounds extremely self-obsessed with the three weddings plus hen do, and you've always been the one to arrange meet-ups?

Personally, I think I'd just back out of the whole thing and be done with her, but if you want her in your life, I'd still point out that you have things happening, too, and ignoring someone for months isn't the way to treat friends (regardless of her self-diagnosis). She needs to wake up and realise that she's not actually the centre of the universe.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/01/2024 18:23

Reallyareyoukiddingme · 26/01/2024 14:13

UPDATE:
A week after I sent the last message, there was still no reply so I left the BM Whatsapp group this morning. (not flounced, one of those silent exits so only the admin - her - would have been notified).
This has obviously got her attention and I have finally had a reply. I'm too annoyed to think how to respond to it at the moment so any advice very welcome.

"ugh I'm not cross just really hurt and disappointed and didn't know how to deal with it so just buried my head in the sand and dealt with it terribly and didn't read your next messages - I'm sorry for that and for making you feel like I didn't want you to be my bridesmaid, of course I do, you're my brother and I love you'.

She's ignored me for two months!! A period which included my 40th birthday. She's not called me now to properly sort this out, just sent that message which I think is still incredibly self indulgent. I honestly don't know what to reply.

Honestly? It's time to bin her off. I wonder if, looking back over your ten years of friendship, you could identify other ridiculousness on her part. Ridiculousness that you've let slide because 'that's just her ways'.

Naturally that involves not being a bridesmaid, and not having to be out a load of money for her weddings (!) that you could put to much better uses.

At most, I'd message her with
'You made your feelings clear when you let my 40th go past. Brother my arse!'

Or just ignore her. Sauce for the goose, and all that. I simply couldn't see her as a friend any more.

AnneValentine · 26/01/2024 18:17

I wouldn’t reply to it at all.

If she really is sorry she will make more of an effort than a naff WhatsApp. If not you’ve lost nothing and saved a lot of money.

RokaandRoll · 26/01/2024 17:50

Yes to what butterandtoast said but I'd also add a mention of my 40th birthday and would be too curious to read her reply to block right away. I'd probably also say that unless you receive a sincere apology from her that the friendship is over (unless you don't want to give her one last chance).

DPotter · 26/01/2024 17:42

Butterandtoast has it -

You've ignored me for 2 whole months because I couldn't afford to go on your hen do. Do you have any idea how hurt I feel by that? No real friend would do that to somebody

Then block!

MinnieGirl · 26/01/2024 17:41

Leave it for a few days. Then reply..I am also very hurt and disappointed. I thought we were close friends. I think in the circumstances it is right to step down from bridesmaids duties.
Just leave it there. She’s shown you who she is…believe her and move on.
And I would not be attending any of her weddings..

BMW6 · 26/01/2024 17:40

Butterandtoast · 26/01/2024 17:05

You've ignored me for 2 whole months because I couldn't afford to go on your hen do. Do you have any idea how hurt I feel by that? No real friend would do that to somebody.

Then block!

This ^^ she's a bloody arse.

mamacorn1 · 26/01/2024 17:32

Lots of people will start to back out - they always do !! She will realise then what an idiot she has been. Just bail out and take yourself off the group. She has included you as a means to show you what you are missing, when actually you have dodged a bullet here.

JadeSeahorse · 26/01/2024 17:26

forrestgreen · 26/01/2024 15:01

This sounds like an absolute nightmare.
Add up all it's going to cost and look at it.
Would you prefer to spend and put up with a bridezilla for the duration
Or send a text
'Dcf I've been looking at the expectations of your bridesmaids and I'm sorry I'm going to pull out of the position. I still value our friendship but I do not have the money or holidays available to be able to do you proud. If possible I'd love to come and see you get married when you're in x city but I realise that's a decision you'll have to make. Again I value your friendship but will have to pull out'

And then smile at all the money you've just saved.

Love this response suggested by Forrestgreen.

Perfectly worded IMO!

Butterandtoast · 26/01/2024 17:05

You've ignored me for 2 whole months because I couldn't afford to go on your hen do. Do you have any idea how hurt I feel by that? No real friend would do that to somebody.

Then block!

toomuchfaff · 26/01/2024 17:01

Spin it on its head... so historically all the bm costs were paid by the Bride. And the hen costs were organised and paid by the BM
So, as she is having 3 weddings put it to her that you assume SHE is going to be funding all the dresses, hair, make up and accessories of the 9 bridesmaids for the 3 weddings including all travel and accomodation... for 9 bridesmaids thatll get very expensive, may make her see that she is commanding quite a lot of other peoples money...

Bet you'd get some type of response then!

Harrietsaunt · 26/01/2024 16:57

Honestly, I would not reply. I think this friendship is done and you are best off out of it.

scaredofthefuture2024 · 26/01/2024 16:57

Genuinely I wouldn't forgive this. I'd leave her on read, not go to the wedding and draw a line under the friendship.

Life is too short to waste on people that are not worthy or your time or friendship.

Yes I know some will say it's petty or cruel behaviour, but frankly there isn't a need to engage in what will inevitably be an unproductive conversation about ending the friendship when you both already know where you stand. She knows what she has done and rather than genuinely apologise, has deflected. You'll
Just end up more cheesed off.

sonjadog · 26/01/2024 16:52

I can understand that she is disappointed, but hurt over someone not using money they don’t have..? That is incredibly self-absorbed of her! Does she expect you to get into debt for her hen do?? And even if she was disappointed, she should have kept it to herself, not blanked you for months. I don’t think she is a nice person, OP.

user1984778379202 · 26/01/2024 16:44

So she's admitted deliberately ignoring your 40th out of spite? I'd resign fully and end the friendship.

BringOnFebBankHoliday · 26/01/2024 16:43

senua · 26/01/2024 15:59

didn't know how to deal with it so just buried my head in the sand and dealt with it terribly
Do you really want to be bridesmaid to a bride like this?
I can tell you now that it's going to be stressful and a disaster. Pull out, before the others do and you are left as last-woman-standing.

@senua is exactly right! This is going to be one big stress-fest - get out now! I'd bet every penny I have that you won't be the last drop out.

DimOGwbl · 26/01/2024 16:39

How much money are you now saving by not going?

pictoosh · 26/01/2024 16:34

"at least let her know you’ve been hurt and bewildered by her sending you to Coventry over money you haven’t got"

Fucking well this. Not cool.