Affair

Hi OP
I'll share a little of my story here, in the hope it helps you.
Approx 20 years ago, when I was 15, I met an older man who was in a position of trust. As I saw it at the time, we were in a relationship for about a year, which involved domestic violence.
Time and therapy have helped me to realise that he groomed, physically and sexually abused me and repeatedly raped me.
I made an initial very brief report via the local police force's online reporting tool last August. I prepared myself to be ignored or disbelieved.
What actually happened was that within 2 days I got a call from a lovely police officer (female) who took an initial statement a few days later and referred me to an Independent Sexual Violence Advocate (ISVA) for support. My case was then assigned to a (female) detective who met with me and talked me through what would happen next, including a video interview. The investigation is still ongoing, but I at least know that my abuser is on the police's radar and has had to attend a police station and be interviewed under caution. It's not been easy going through the details of what happened back then, but throughout the process I have felt believed and supported by the officers involved, and have also had the support of my MH team and ISVA as needed. The process has started to bring me some inner peace, if that makes sense - I now know I wasn't a horrible, badly behaved, 'slutty' teenager: I was an abused child.
Sending you so much love.

What a terrible time you've had. Yes he absolutely groomed you and abused you and you, as a vulnerable child, in no way should take any responsibility for that.

I hope you and your daughter are in a better place, I don't know much about the legal system but pursuing something like this will require more energy and commitment than I suspect you'd be able to give right now. (No judgement, but after a suicide attempt you are still vulnerable).

Please focus on yourself and healing, caring for you and your daughter. Make yourself and her the priority. Sadly, although he is a piece of scum in his mid fifties he's approaching the age where he can't pull this bullshit so any legal action can wait till you are ready.

Yes, I do think that. He sounds like a repulsive individual who treated you and your child like his property. He was appallingly abusive, and of course it's grooming. He was married, and you were a child.
I would strongly consider speaking to the police. But definitely speak to a counsellor.

A 51 year old man and a 15yo child is illegal as well as being immoral. He groomed you. You were vulnerable and he took advantage of that. You haven't done anything wrong. I hope you are getting real life support as you deal with this. So what if it gets in the papers? He deserves the shame that will be healed upon him. Sending you strength.

This is an absolutely horrible, incorrect, nasty and ill-informed statement.

No abuse victim is ever to blame for being abused. EVER.

He chose you because of your age and background 💯 because he thought that you’d either never realise he was a groomer or you wouldn’t report it because of the legal process and fear of costs etc

Quite - at 16 you THINK you know what you are doing...

Have you met any 16 year olds?

Thankfully, 'your opinion' is in the minority.

OP, he absolutely did groom you & I hope you get the justice you deserve, he sounds revolting.

So he was 51 and you were 16? Yeah that's insane. My first response when I said I knew what I was doing at 16 with someone older, the age difference wasn't even remotely like this! More like 10 years.

Seriously? She was a vulnerable 16 year old who was being sexually abused by a family member in her own house. She had no life experience (or experience of a healthy sexual relationship, I imagine). He was a 51 year old married man, a father. He had been an adult for decades whereas she was essentially still a child. He impregnated her, physically assaulted her.
I'm sorry but she wasn't some worldly wise woman who understood the ways of the world. I was utterly clueless at 16, especially when it came to men and sex.
Yes I'd say he groomed you.

So he was a wealthy businessman who, in his 50s, was chatting up vulnerable 15-year-olds online? And he didn't tell you his real name? And his wife also harassed you? This is appalling stuff.

As well as the obvious age issues here, his wealth and status meant there was a MASSIVE power imbalance.

I'm so sorry you've gone through this, OP. Personally, I think this man deserves to be hauled through a criminal trial as publicly as possible (neither you nor your daughter would be named, by the way - you because you would be the victim of a sexual crime and her because she is a child).

However, I think you need to ask yourself whether you are ready to face the inevitable stress and worry of that process, and also whether you would be able to cope with him potentially walking away unpunished if it can't be proved that sex happened when you were underage.

Lots of love to you, OP xx

He groomed you. You were vulnerable and were reaching out for love. He took advantage of this and thought you’d be some young girl he could control.
I’m so sorry your life has been hard. I’m hoping this can be a turning point for you and your daughter and you can protect her from the upbringing you had.

He absolutely groomed you. Know what you’re doing at 16 years old, indeed 🙄 I mean I suppose you do up to a point. But a 16 year old is no match for a man of 51 who is manipulative and preys on a teenager who has already been abused.

I assume he’s famous?

Honestly, I would focus on your MH and getting your daughter back before opening this huge can of worms.

This is going to be a very difficult time for you and you need to be in the best place mentally, before even considering starting to pursue this.

If you want justice, which I would completely understand, then perhaps get your mental health sorted and then start on your family and those that sexually abused you.

She was actually 15, was already a victim of sexual abuse at home, and has a mental health condition. I do not think she 'knew what she was doing' at all. She was a very, very vulnerable child who was promised love and care.

Why do you think it would be a big case and likely in the news? The facts as you describe them suggest that he absolutely did groom and abuse you, but prosecutions of that nature are not typically big news stories unless there's a wider context. Do you mean that this man has already been charged with grooming other girls? Or is he someone well-known locally?

You as the victim cannot 'press charges' in the UK. You can report what happened to the police, and then they will go through the evidence with the Crown Prosecution Service, and the Crown Prosecution Service will decide whether the man can be charged with anything or not.

When you say 'a lawyer' has advised you, do you mean that you went to a solicitor for advice about this? Was the 'financial arrangement' drawn up via a solicitor?

How old are you now?

I do think you were groomed.

He had no intention of leaving his wife, he just treated you as a play thing.

I do not think I would report him though.
You were 19 when you had your baby and unless you have physical proof of a sexual relationship at 15 then it’s going to be very hard to prove it.

You would basically be having to argue your case and be accused of lying etc, which I wouldn’t take lightly.

You also have a child with this man and you have to think about the implications of pressing charges against him, which will also affect your child.

Why do you have a lawyer?

I’m sorry this happened to you.

How old are you now?

He absolutely took advantage of a very vulnerable child.

You were in an abusive family with very little or no support. You were significantly younger, less knowledgeable and with less financial means. You were a child and already dealing with far more than any child should have to do.

His behaviour what entirely inappropriate and you were clearly in a position where he had power and control and you could be manipulated and taken advantage of.

I'm so sorry you were abused by both him and prior to that. I hope you know none of this way your fault.

My only question is where is your child now and what understanding have they of the situation and how do you think proceeding will impact them?

He's a paedophile and you were groomed.

Unless you have difficulty with reading, in which case I apologise, the post is perfectly readable.

Given the subject matter your response is extremely unpleasant. Sometimes it is best to say nothing.