Ignored by NCT friends

OP, if you don’t enjoy the get togethers, don’t go, obviously. Why have you ‘put up with’ something you don’t enjoy for six years? Your child was a baby and incapable of enjoying the events initially, so that can’t have been your original reason. But I don’t see that there are any grounds for flouncing off or feeling wronged — you got together in the first place because of having babies at the same time, rather than out of any organic friendship, and you drifted away somewhat because of your circumstances. Some people show no interest in you because they have none, and that’s ok. (I didn’t like the peoole in my NCT group and stopped attending any get-togethers within a couple of months.) Spend time with peoole whom you do like.

My NCT group were decent enough...until I...dare I say it...separated.
They had no time for single parents.

That’s a really good point, and even if we don’t cross paths it’s a small world and you’re only 6 degrees of separation away. Hmm… sorry did you exit yours or just gone silent?

From experience as nice as the idea of calling them out sounds. Depending on the area there's a good chance you'll bump into them again, baby groups, nurseries, birthday parties. Unfortunately DD ended up at a nursery where one of the NCT kids also ended up going. So we've had birthday parties with them and realised we have mutual new friends in common. Its been easier just being polite than if i'd have called them out i think.

@Antsinmypantsneedtodance i am in exact the same situ right now and found this thread because I don’t know whether to call them out before leaving or just disappear. It isn’t all of them but a clique has formed amongst 3 or 4 of the women who I thought I would have the most in common with. I feel so excluded and the last few months I’ve felt anxious and paranoid that this was going on until I found out for definite this weekend. I’m spending a couple days cooling off before I decide.

I was in two. First one, London, fab. Then we moved..... second one just cliquey. Mums groups based around kids / school were never the place I found friends - all we had in common was the fact our kids were the same age..... and then you get to the stage where the mums you are reasonably friendly with have children that your DC can't stand, and you are not that keen on the parents of your DCs best friends.....

Keep relationships around children and other parents "light touch" would be my advice. Find friends outside of that. Mine all came through work, and now hobbies.

You say you’re shy op, but you’ve known these women 5 years- presumably you do chat to them, engage, ask questions, joke…?

Find a different group and fade this one out, but be very friendly to the ones who have kids at your kids' school when you see them. That might mean going up tp them deliberately and saying hello for the first few times after you leave the group (by which I assume you mean WhatsApp group).

You don't have to put up with it if it makes you feel crap and the kids will make new friends at school anyway. NCT is for support - I found my group very supportive/helpful - but if it doesn't do that it is of no use to you. You don't have to feel bad about that.

Friendships evolve. Just take a step back and be friendly when you see them. They don't want to have a close relationship for whatever reason so just move on rather than torturing yourself.

Was going to say leave, until you mentioned your kids will be going to same school.
Can you archive so that you don't have to see the messages but also don't have to worry about looking rude for leaving.
Also, that feeling of being left out is awful. Easier said than done, but try not to take it personally

The group I know from when the kids were little still gets together twice a year - to camp in the late summer and to go for a walk at New Year, sometimes with the kids, who are now well into their twenties. We've all moved on from the group which did toddler groups together and got other much closer friends as our children have gone on to make their own friends outside what was originally quite a tight group.

At the moment, I think you're overthinking the relationship you have with the NCT group. It's fine to ignore messages and events, but still get involved at the level you want because of the kids. I was a stay at home mum and never really got to know the parents who worked, as they weren't around in the playground at the end of the school day, but I didn't think any less of them I just didn't know them as well, but one of them is now one of my closet friends as our paths have crossed more as the kids have got older.

NCT attracts cliquey bullies does it? What a ridiculous sweeping statement .

Some groups all click and others don't OP. And some are a mix of in between.

I'm still in touch with 4 from our NCT and we meet up regularly as we all still live in the same area. One of those ladies I'm particularly close to and see much more often. A couple of the others pulled back from the group once kids started school and one moved a distance away. I still see some of these people around and we always have a very friendly chat. But we don't make effort to see each other as we were more different.

Your kids will make other lasting friendships through school so I'd just politely decline any invites if you're not enjoying or feeling included. No need to leave the group if you don't want to draw attention to yourself. And a friendly hello when you bump into them out and about.

Just leave. If they / you want to pick things up when the kids are at school fine but otherwise what are you getting from it?

Can you stay in the group but only go to the very occasional get together

Absolutely leave the group - I was a lurker in a group for a good two years, when I left I felt better. They're probably just closer after spending more time together - don't take it personally, but also don't waste your energies on them any longer. Spend it on new groups and meeting new people.

"I'm doing a cull of my WhatsApp groups for a notification detox - so I'm going to leave this group now, but hopefully bump into you all in person soon! Lots of love, Carrielotte"

I think in some cases NCT attracts a certian type of parent. In my case (and yours it sounds) it attracted cliquey bullies. I realised within 6 months I was not their type of person and the bullying and attitude wasn't worth it. I left the group chat and never looked back.

Leave. Not worth your mental health. I'm sure you kids enjoyed other activites too. Just be polite to the nct mums if you see them, but don't go out of your way to socialise with them.

My pre birth group I left when the kids were 3 though still got Christmas cards from a couple until last year (kids now 30!)

The post natal group that I met I am still friends with 2 ladies and we meet once a month or so. So friends for 30 years and they came to my second wedding 18 months ago. As someone said, you've just been thrown together and sometimes it doesn't work.

Just wanted to say you're not alone in this, I experience similar in mine. I've tried numerous times the past year to meet up, suggested day trips etc in the main group chat but always ignored then see some of them out with each other via FB (in fairness it's never the whole group on these day trips but I was the only one not invited to a wedding). I also had a recent birthday milestone ignored whilst for everyone else's we all chipped in to get something for them to celebrate.

Like you, I find conversations difficult with them and I've realised it's because of my own children that I've kept trying more than anything else (mine are older than yours)

DH has said its likely because we are all in different stages of our lives, have different life experiences etc. Those things just sometimes make it easier to click with others. I know theres been a few times I struggled with a few reminising conversations as I am approx 10years younger, as an example, aolnother example is I'm new to this area of the country whereas they all grew up here.

I've chosen to stay in the main WhatsApp group purely because I don't want to create a scene by leaving,ain't case we do bump into each other and I haven't any bad feelings towards them. Would you be able to just stay to keep the peace but maybe mute the conversation? That's what I've done now.

Not U at all to leave. 6 years is a very long run for an NCT group - those groups who stay friends for life are probably very rare.

Letting it quietly drop is probably the best thing if you run into two of them at the school.

Why bother with them ,they’re rude and have made a point of excluding you. As for attending the same school,you don’t have to even acknowledge them. If they say hello,politely say hi back, if you feel like it ,no other explanation is required.

I was sidelined from my group because I was the only one that went back to work full time. It is what it is. I’d move on.

Oh OP - I remember this situation very clearly. I was you. Ignored by the majority of the group who all set up regular meetings without me. Apart from one lady who I chatted to. I plucked up the courage to see if she fancied a coffee and took it from there. We're still friends, many years later!

I know these things hurt, especially after having a baby and being at your most vulnerable, but don't give these people a second thought.

Enjoy your baby. You will find your own tribe with time.

If they rarely talk to you at meet ups anyway, I can’t imagine they’re going to be very invested in you just fading away. Just have other plans whenever a meet up is suggested, and continue to smile and say hello politely when you see them at school.

If it’s not making you feel good, leave.

I’m 1 year in with my NCT group. I’ve made one close friendship. We all/most of us meet up every so often but ultimately I predict we will drift. We’re quite a varied bunch. I struggle with a couple of them even though they are pleasant enough.