Wedding comparisons getting me down

I would just say ‘well, not everyone feels the need to have an audience’ accompanied by a mumsnet tinkly laugh.

@oldsprouts its the marriage that is important not the wedding

Both are important IMO

@Wheresthebeach If DH had cried when he saw me I would have been muttering 'get a fucking grip' under my breath.

And that would have been very rude and nasty. Why would you boast about belittling and dismissing your husband's emotions?

Obviously the in-laws are being ridiculous, but I agree that OP seems to think her marriage is superior because she had more private moments during her wedding. And that it was pretty rude to guests to leave them standing during these private moments. Everyone involved should grow up and get over themselves really

I think you need to work on caring less what others think. You had the perfect event for you, you planned it beforehand to your own wishes, and as you wrote yourself, it went well and made you both happy.

Anyone else can do and say what they want. It doesn't take away from what you had / have.

Read 'The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k'.

It's thoughtless and rude for anyone else to question your decisions and your preferences in the way that they have, and in your position I would tell them so.

Honestly, my husband has never done any of that. We didn't have speeches of any kind of a first dance. He's not one to write letters or do anything romantic.

But he will get up early to clear my car of snow, bring me tea in bed, do things for our kids

Go and read the thread about the useless husband who presents as perfect dad but was too ill to help with a fitting child.

This is just hormones. You did a day that suits your personalities and enjoyed it. Ignore the rest.

You will get a much thicker skin when it's 'oh your child is not rolling yet, mine has been doing that for weeks '.

Your SIL is allowed to want a public reaction if she wants, they can all have that as their preference but you chose differently and that's not lesser in any way.

Sorry you have been made to feel sad about what should be one of your happiest days. I think your relatives are being insensitive, and a bit rude to be honest. Don't let their shortcomings mar your memories of your big day. I always feel that weddings should be about what the couple want from the day, rather the guests. Your day sounded a very intimate, and emotional day for you both - hang on to that, and don't be afraid to call out your relatives for being knobs!

My mum is not a nice person. Took me a long time to realise that because there's a lot of polite, social masking surrounding the hate and insecurity.
She's often snide about our wedding, keen to praise others who had elements we skipped. Literally does a tinkly laugh and says 'bless' if anyone brings up how much they enjoyed or still think about a moment from the day.
Information diet going forward, limit the contact if it's going to be compare and contrast.

Your wedding day should be about you two and not other people.

That's true, but if you don't actually want to share your day and your moments with anyone else, why bother inviting them?

It costs time and money to go to a wedding. Why do it if the couple don't actually want you there?

The comments would bother me. I don’t understand the obsession with bride and groom crying. We constantly got asked if we thought we would, and then after why we didn’t (I did, actually, just after we’d left the ceremony room so no one saw, I’d been keeping it together until we weren’t in front of loads of people). It does sound like you had a lot of time alone at your wedding and maybe that put people out a bit. But I also I love that you and your husband took time to be together just you two. Your wedding day should be about you two and not other people. People should appreciate that while it’s maybe not their cup of tea, it’s what you want. Everyone has different ideas for weddings and as long and they do what they want it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

I found when planning our wedding there was a lot of pressure to go with “traditional” when actually things have moved on from when our parents and grandparents got married. It caused friction when we didn’t do things the “usual way”, and we didn’t do anything particularly out there or unusual.

I wish we’d done similar to you at our wedding in terms of having some time alone. I wanted DH and I to come out the ceremony and then get in the car and go for a drive for 5-10 minutes round the block, just us, so we could be together on our own and just reflect on the fact we’d just got married! The wedding car company suggested this and I loved the idea and so did DH. Mentioned it to our family, parents in particular, and they made such a fuss about how it wasn’t the traditional thing to do and we’d be rude leaving guests at the reception (for all of 10 minutes with plenty of canapés and drinks I might add) so we ended up scrapping the idea to save the drama. I loved our wedding day but this is the one thing I regret about it.

A personal view only, not an indictment of anyone: the whole idea of 'first dances' and speeches makes me cringe. The tedium of identikit weddings with the same structure, same itinerary, same sort of food, same music, small variation on 'colour schemes' and venues, same this same that ad nauseam, makes me want to fall asleep.

And this is the problem with people like these in-laws. It's the level of expectation that things will follow precisely this kind of tired, prescribed format because it's 'tradition' that turns me off.

We eloped. No speeches, no first dances, no table arrangements, no fallings out over guests, no waiting around bored whilst endless photographs are taken, no gifts, and certainly no requests for money. The only people who minded were MiL and SiL. These days, if I can possibly decline a wedding invitation, I will.

Had the 'private'moments' not been detailed on some kind of event itinerary I'd have been entirely onside with OP. Even so, it was two years ago now and the in-laws really need to give it a rest. That horse has bolted.

I think your MIL sounds like she enjoys stirring the pot. It's nor the norm for men to break down crying at a wedding, I have never seen it and would be alarmed if it happened to me.

Tell them straight that they are being rude, or just say ' I loved our wedding, bizarre that doesn't live up to your standards but please stop criticising our choices and our wonderful day'. Then move onto 'oh do stop with the endless criticism' with the final stage being 'oh button it' with an eye roll if you like.

If DH had cried when he saw me I would have been muttering 'get a fucking grip' under my breath.

The person I feel sorry for is the sister's fiancé who has been told he needs to sob...

"My husband’s brother broke down sobbing and his reaction was beautiful"

Never seen this at any wedding, thank goodness, doesn't sound like a common response for men or women in the UK. Odd and could as easily show nerves or regret as anything else.

A wedding doesn't a good marriage make.

When they start, I would either say this or 'we wanted a marriage, not just a wedding' and then smile sweetly. Do that every single time and don't be drawn on what it means.

They won't like it, and should stop playing silly buggers. If they continue, just keep going with that mantra, knowing that it's annoying them and that that's funny.

I'm not a particularly nice person though.

Personally I don't like weddings, its the marriage that is important not the wedding. DH and I had a very quite wedding, we did have a church ceremony but a private one with immediate family only, then a meal at a favourite restaurant and then home. I don't compare weddings except to think how one goes on for too long compared to another.

Quite honestly, I think this is what is wrong with our society- we are all so obsessed with showing and proving our love on social media but whats actually happening behind closed doors? I know multiple couples who make a huge extravagant show on social media about their love for each other- romantic poses on exotic holidays etc and I know for a fact they are on the verge of splitting up (or one of them has cheated etc). Obviously, I am not saying its wrong to show pics on SM but I think too many of us have bought into this idea that we need other people's validation and approval for something to be "real". Its almost become like, unless we took photos to show to others, it didnt happen!

Being happy in your marriage is enough and its totally fine that you are private- it doesnt make your relationship any less than someone who chooses to spill it all over their instagram reel. I would just ignore the comments from others- their opinion doesnt matter and really, all it shows is- they think everything on SM in public is 100% genuine and a true reflection of reality which is not only stupid, its incredibly naive.

Maybe BIL burst into tears because he hated the sight of his bride, if that was the first time he saw her.

If my dh had broken down sobbing when he saw me I'd have worried he'd got cold feet tbh

One of my closest friends wedding was two weeks before ours this summer just gone. Nobody has ever made any comparisons or snide comments about either wedding because we have decent family and friends who know that's not a very pleasant thing to engage in. I can't even imagine thinking about this stuff. As a PP said, it says more about the people saying this stuff revealing that they are being weirdos OP. People just take themselves so seriously, it's a period in a day that lasts less than 12 hours, it's not a grand production ffs. It is only people wanting to make some cold, hard cash for their business who sell it as the 'most important day of your life'.

DH is not great with expressing his emotions at all but surprised me by getting tearful at some words I had written, I just thought 'That's nice, I must be a good writer' but in the scheme of things it is not a measure of anything, it isn't a signifier that he has a greater love for me than other husbands. If people think it does signify some greater meaning then they don't have a great grasp of human behaviour and that people change

No, she said they had a ‘private first view’ — ie they saw each other in their wedding clothes before the ceremony, not just in the church/venue/walking up the aisle.

No she doesn't

She states that they hadn't met before the wedding. She's obviously from a culture where that is normal, perhaps an arranged marriage.

To me 'private first dance' sounds as though B&G have gone off for a quick shag and 'private view' conjures up images of funeral parlours.

Nowt so queer as a Mumsnet wedding ...

You are being hormonal, don’t listen to others. I’ve been to heaps of weddings both my family and friends and not to close on other side of family & Dh’s mates. I’ve never seen any bride or groom breakdown at first sight of their partner, it’s just not a thing. Top tip when you do have this baby, stick with your gut instincts and don’t be letting others’ advice ( and sounds like there may be a lot of other voices) mess with your head. Easier said than done, but don’t let people wrap you up in knots about how to care for DC. Have a trusted family member and perhaps a friend, a mums group if you can get out and your health visitor, midwife and GP. There’s heaps of invisible support on MN too. Good luck with baby

Private first look? Yes.
In an "anglo context" I´ve mostly heard of it on instagram.
But where I´m from it´s normal for the bride and groom to enter the church together. The first look therefore won´t take place in the church (or wedding venue).
The first look generally takes place infront of the church (and after the guests have already entered) or wherever the bride and groom decided to meet up. It is very lovely in my personal opinion.

last summer I was at a wedding where the bride and the groom arrived at the church together and then made sure that all family members (most of them from abroad...) had found the church, had found a seat, were comfortable etc.

It was quite lovely and I wouldn´t be surprised if they had previously had a private first look.

BUT that wasn´t something they announced or put on their wedding program. Which makes sense, seeing as the programs were primarily there to inform the guests / contained information about the day relevant to us guests.
Putting private first look on the order of the day would make about as much sense as "bridal makeup and hair"... But OP may have wanted it on there for personal reasons / have the programs as a wedding keepsake or similar.