Wedding comparisons getting me down

I think you just need to let his family know you're all different people and you loved your wedding day and wouldn't have wished it to be any different.

I'm getting married in November, like you me and my partner are very private people. If someone went snooping on my Facebook profile you wouldn't even think I was in a relationship we post that little about each other! 😅We are having a small registry office ceremony with 16 guests and then having a party on the evening where we can invite more people. We won't be doing speeches, first dances in front of people so your idea of doing this privately has given me food for thought! I have 2 friends who are getting married in Spring next year and they are having bigger weddings than me I have nothing but excitement and happiness for both of them but another friend has made a comment along the lines of "don't you wish you were having that big traditional wedding?". My answer was simply no, I'm happy for them and their choices.

I mean, it’s a bit odd for a bride and groom to disappear off to read each other a speech and have tea and cake on their own in the middle of the wedding, leaving their guests in their own, I expect everyone just assumed you were shagging 😂 but each to their own. Just ignore them.

Who cares what anyone else thinks when you got to have your special day exactly how you both wanted it! I would feel pity for them needing validation from others all watching them to be honest. Your idea of seeing eachother in private before the ceremony sounds really lovely i might keep that one in mind if my partner ever decides to propose 🤣

I expect that there is no correlation between whether people cry publicly at their wedding and whether they are still together in 20 years.

Remember you had the wedding you wanted and try not to give it any more thought.

They’re feeling put out that you dared to have some private moments to yourself. Do not even give it a second thought. Your wedding sounds perfect. Focus on what’s important to you.

Just tell them you did have those moments but privately as that’s what you wanted and can they now stop with the rude comparisons

then if they start up again must state I have already explained what happened,you are being very rude and just walk away each and every time

Indeed @Betsyhilton The heights of ridiculousness get even more silly these days.

Can people not just get married anymore? Now, on top of destination weddings and daytime invitees and evening invitees we have private viewings, brides and grooms making speeches to each other, and grooms bursting into tears at the sight of the bride?

If it makes you feel any better my husband laughed all through his vows. He says from nerves or because he was happy.

I think your set up sounds lovely and tk be honest if they had an acting background I would assume theirs was all an act and even if it wasn't then so what. The fact they will even argue publicly suggests they just like the show! His family around bonkers. Good job you landed the normal one.

My thoughts exactly
I'd have died of embarrassment if mine had been like either of those.

But each to their own.

Which is all you need to say to people

Well quite, but why invite the audience in that case? All of these people turning up to a wedding, bringing presents, buying new outfits etc to share in the happy day but then get told that they are only allowed to watch edited highlights of the day.

I would have come away thinking it was odd and frankly a bit rude that someone invited me to their wedding but also treated me like some sort of voyeur or peeping Tom at the same time.

We did all the usual things on our wedding day, including the first dance, cake cutting and all that. I pleased to say neither my husband nor I cried at any point in the day, privately or publicly. I would have been mortified if he had blubbed when he saw me walking down the aisle.

In fact, I have never seen a bride or groom cry on their wedding day (except the bride who caught her husband snogging with an ex-girlfriend guest, but I don't think that's what we are talking about here). It's bizarre that OP's family think this kind of weird carry-on is normal. I feel particularly sorry for the poor sap who is expected to cry for his bride when he sees her on his wedding day. God help him... 😆

@kintra It doesn't matter if anyone see it or not he legal bit remains the same, you can share your happiness in any circumstance not just a wedding (and lots of people find weddings dull just so you know and just grin and bear it because its considered rude to turn such an invite down). Do families really merge all that often and does the wedding really have any bearing on that, I think not. It all sounds like an excuse for certain people to make a big show for a day, fine if that is what you like but it has no meaning for the actual marriage and just isn't that important.

"And yes some people have big weddings then split up. Some people have small weddings then split up, and some people have big weddings and spend the rest of their lives devoted to each other. Your point?"

You make my point for me, the wedding is just not that important.

Your in-laws sound like insufferable show-offs. I'd be tempted to reply that you'd have been mortified if your husband started publicly sobbing on your wedding day, but of course that would be unkind and you don't sound like an unkind person at all.

They don't sound very nice and the comments are very obviously designed to hurt you and upset you. Maybe they feel slighted, maybe they're just nasty drama loving people. Either way, ignore.

I mean, you can disagree if you like. It doesn't make my opinion invalid. Weddings are a celebration of the couple, an occasion to merge families and see extended family you rarely see (outside funerals), an opportunity to share your happiness with your loved ones, a legal declaration (the truly important bit). Yes what comes after is the real making of the couple, but it doesn't make the wedding unimportant.

And yes some people have big weddings then split up. Some people have small weddings then split up, and some people have big weddings and spend the rest of their lives devoted to each other. Your point?

If your BIL bursting into tears was a genuinely spontaneous reaction, your SIL is setting herself up for disappointment by wanting the same reaction. No two people are genuinely going to have the exact same reaction at the altar, never mind within the same family.

Does SIL’s fiancé know he’s supposed to cry? If so, doesn’t that put him under enormous pressure? Is he going to keep a hatpin in his pocket to jab himself in the nads if the tears don’t come naturally?

I disagree with you, its what is between the couple that is of real value. So many weddings are very showy these days and then the couple split up, cheat, treat each other badly and so on. It is just a single day while the marriage is what actually happens when you aren't performing for others.

I think some people in support of of OP are being rude about other wedding choices....there is nothing odd or OTT about speeches and first dances, in fact they are perfectly normal. It's not being "showy" either. If you don't like them or want to fair enough but the snobbery and disdain shown here is rather nasty at times. Everyone should have the wedding they want, but it seems pointless inviting guests and then excluding them from parts.

Ignore them! X

This is good advice.

Nice people don’t criticise their daughter in law’s wedding to her. Your in-laws aren’t nice people OP. What they’re saying is incredibly rude. If they preferred a different wedding that doesn’t mean they have to say so to you.

Don’t take it personally or let it spoil your memories of the day, just recognise that they are not nice people and be careful how much of yourself you share with them, particularly as you become a mum, as they’ll try to work out which topics upset you and then bring them up over and over to get a reaction from you. They won’t do this on purpose, just automatically, cos that’s how people like them interact.

I bet they give you SO much ‘advice’ (criticism) about baby names, baby sleep, baby clothes, general parenting… Recognise now that they will do this, expect it, and when it happens remember that they’re doing it because they are dicks and don’t let it upset you. Do not tell them the baby’s name until the baby is born and it’s already final, otherwise they’ll try to bully you into some other choice.

Don't do this. It won't shut down the conversation, and is unnecessarily rude.

I'm fully expecting my fiance to pull a stupid face at me as I appear because he's uncomfortable with public displays of emotion and he'll be trying to make me laugh! I would be honestly worried if he cried in front of everyone. I agree that you just need to be a bit robust in response to these comments and keep reminding yourself that you did it right for you. When you've got a baby you'll need to be their advocate for lots of difficult situations, why not start practicing for yourself right now? x

Exactly! Tell them you wanted a classy wedding rather than a pseudo social media event!

A wedding is just one day. One day. The rest of your marriage is what is important.
Our wedding day cost about £300. We were happy with that and we are happy with our marriage.