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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating new person

110 replies

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 22:25

Hello,
Recently began dating someone who says ex was a gambling addict so left a long-term relationship over this. He said she was aggressive and violent. I have asked if can get her side of story through a third party speaking to her.
He says this is unreasonable and he is being honest, nothing to hide. I can see his point of view about involving ex however I feel like I only have 1 side.
Should I continue with him?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Kolbie · 15/01/2024 19:25

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2024 16:32

I don't understand why you keep going on about this, honestly. This man is clearly not the one for you, there are too many issues and you don't trust him.

I guess I am trying to make sure I am not mistrusting his story unreasonably but think I will have to cut my losses given the series of flags as people are pointing out.
Sometimes you wish to be wrong but reality is you need to face the music.

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beatrix1234 · 15/01/2024 16:36

Deathbyfluffy · 15/01/2024 16:01

I'm a male victim of domestic violence - I'd love for you to tell me I'm being dramatic.

Think of how it'd read if you were accusing a woman of being dramatic about domestic violence, then have a word with yourself ffs.

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Very sorry to hear that, I was just posting my own personal experience dating men with "crazy ex's".

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2024 16:32

I don't understand why you keep going on about this, honestly. This man is clearly not the one for you, there are too many issues and you don't trust him.

Original poster
Kolbie · 15/01/2024 16:28

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2024 16:25

Perhaps they were both violent, it's possible.

However, SS get to see police reports. They won't leave kids with a DV perpetrator.

It's not possible to accuse someone of something to get housing. They will check and if there's no evidence of DV, then im confident she won't get housed.

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Thank you but what if you declare yourself homeless with children for whatever reason led to a breakup? Does it have to be v serious to get housed?

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Dacadactyl · 15/01/2024 16:25

Kolbie · 15/01/2024 16:12

Yes it could be he is lying and it is her who is a victim of domestic violence or they were both violent?
Is it a possibility a relationship wasn't working so someone accuses someone of something v serious to get housing? Or she was projecting her violence on him? Honestly don't know what to think or how well the authorities investigate these matters

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Perhaps they were both violent, it's possible.

However, SS get to see police reports. They won't leave kids with a DV perpetrator.

It's not possible to accuse someone of something to get housing. They will check and if there's no evidence of DV, then im confident she won't get housed.

Original poster
Kolbie · 15/01/2024 16:13

Deathbyfluffy · 15/01/2024 16:01

I'm a male victim of domestic violence - I'd love for you to tell me I'm being dramatic.

Think of how it'd read if you were accusing a woman of being dramatic about domestic violence, then have a word with yourself ffs.

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I'm sorry to read this, that's awful.

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Original poster
Kolbie · 15/01/2024 16:12

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2024 15:56

@Kolbie even if that were the case (it isnt) WHY would she declare herself homeless and move house if she didn't genuinely fear him?

It doesn't add up, BECAUSE HES LYING.

Yes it could be he is lying and it is her who is a victim of domestic violence or they were both violent?
Is it a possibility a relationship wasn't working so someone accuses someone of something v serious to get housing? Or she was projecting her violence on him? Honestly don't know what to think or how well the authorities investigate these matters

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Deathbyfluffy · 15/01/2024 16:01

beatrix1234 · 15/01/2024 00:34

Beware of men with “crazy ex’s”, beware of men that after 7 dates tell you an incredibly dramatic story were they play the “victim” role. I could be wrong but it This man has more flags than a commie parade. I would try and get a background check in this man, forget about talking with the ex, that’s just nuts 🌰

I'm a male victim of domestic violence - I'd love for you to tell me I'm being dramatic.

Think of how it'd read if you were accusing a woman of being dramatic about domestic violence, then have a word with yourself ffs.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2024 15:56

@Kolbie even if that were the case (it isnt) WHY would she declare herself homeless and move house if she didn't genuinely fear him?

It doesn't add up, BECAUSE HES LYING.

Original poster
Kolbie · 15/01/2024 15:53

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2024 15:47

Run from this man.

Do yourself a favour and block him.

You don't get put at the top of the social housing register without proof.

I'd bet my house that she was told by SS to get rid of him and that there are police reports galore from their old address.

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Okay a friend was saying to me social services will re-house without much investigation, person with children just needs to declare themselves homeless but if that is the case that's even more worrying

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SameOldSong · 15/01/2024 15:51

To be fair l can kind of see where your coming from.
I think far too many women swallow the crazy ex story at huge expense to themselves. At least your not that naive.
There's usually 3 sides to a story, his side, her side and the truth.
If in doubt l would walk away and save yourself a lot of distress further on down the line.
It's a well known fact many victims of abuse end up in other abusive relationships, so it's good that you are aware of potential red flags and paying attention to your gut instinct.
I would also add a note of caution that if he invited you to meet the ex, or to speak to her on the phone, she might not be who she claims to be. This does in fact happen.

DrinkingAndThinking · 15/01/2024 15:49

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2024 15:47

Run from this man.

Do yourself a favour and block him.

You don't get put at the top of the social housing register without proof.

I'd bet my house that she was told by SS to get rid of him and that there are police reports galore from their old address.

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This. Completely agree.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2024 15:47

Kolbie · 15/01/2024 13:33

Children living with mum, outside agencies housed them as he said she made false allegations of feeling unsafe around him

Show quote history

Run from this man.

Do yourself a favour and block him.

You don't get put at the top of the social housing register without proof.

I'd bet my house that she was told by SS to get rid of him and that there are police reports galore from their old address.

C1N1C · 15/01/2024 15:46

Lol, this sounds like the equivalent of asking for references.

Run, guy, run!!!

DrinkingAndThinking · 15/01/2024 15:42

Kolbie · 15/01/2024 15:34

Yes he says very positive things about her also which I thought was more balanced, I wasn't sure then if him speaking of her being amazing despite all of the alleged violence was due to trauma or whether his story isn't entirely true and her allegedly feeling unsafe with him is true - he said she made that up.

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I understand your concern. Did he say all her violence was due to her trauma? He could also be talking from his own perspective, and still harbour some feelings of resentment and hurt. Also, I doubt he is a psychologist, which would make me question, just on face value, how he might have contributed to said violence from trauma. There are always two sides.

But, if you are only dating very early on, it's concerning, there is still blame form his side. I would wait a very long time for a relationship to establish before I would divulged such deep and personal information such as that.

Original poster
Kolbie · 15/01/2024 15:34

DrinkingAndThinking · 15/01/2024 15:30

I get whats happening here, you are suspicious of the one sided victim statement that he made about his ex, and so you should. I would stay far away from any man or woman who painted their ex's in a bad light, because it says to me, if things don't work out with you both, he might do the same.

I think the request might be too soon, but probe more and ask more questions. Does he say anything positive? I mean at the end of the day, it was also HIS choice to stay in that relationship right? So wheres that accountability instead of this is what was wrong with them type statement.

Yellow/red flag.

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Yes he says very positive things about her also which I thought was more balanced, I wasn't sure then if him speaking of her being amazing despite all of the alleged violence was due to trauma or whether his story isn't entirely true and her allegedly feeling unsafe with him is true - he said she made that up.

OP posts:
DrinkingAndThinking · 15/01/2024 15:30

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 22:25

Hello,
Recently began dating someone who says ex was a gambling addict so left a long-term relationship over this. He said she was aggressive and violent. I have asked if can get her side of story through a third party speaking to her.
He says this is unreasonable and he is being honest, nothing to hide. I can see his point of view about involving ex however I feel like I only have 1 side.
Should I continue with him?

I get whats happening here, you are suspicious of the one sided victim statement that he made about his ex, and so you should. I would stay far away from any man or woman who painted their ex's in a bad light, because it says to me, if things don't work out with you both, he might do the same.

I think the request might be too soon, but probe more and ask more questions. Does he say anything positive? I mean at the end of the day, it was also HIS choice to stay in that relationship right? So wheres that accountability instead of this is what was wrong with them type statement.

Yellow/red flag.

Original poster
Kolbie · 15/01/2024 15:25

Unless he is speaking like that due to trauma.

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Original poster
Kolbie · 15/01/2024 15:25

For example will say ex was v aggressive and violent, a liar due to addiction but then will say is an amazing person. The extreme descriptions either way for me are not adding up.

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Original poster
Kolbie · 15/01/2024 15:23

SpringleDingle · 15/01/2024 15:08

Red Flags:
Very intense, very quick relationship
Crazy Ex
Authorities involved with kids

Maybe it was all her but most likely it was at least a mix and he is partly to blame. Hard swerve on this one.

In contrast my DP has an alcoholic ex. He didn't go into her issues at the start of our relationship and speaks about her now in a balanced way - the good bits, their early relationship, how sad he is that she couldn't ditch the alcohol. He doesn't call her crazy even if some of her behavior when drunk was pretty unpleasant.

He does say great things about her also to be fair bit given the extreme other stuff it's all a bit weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kolbie · 15/01/2024 15:19

No that wasn't my request, of course they wouldn't.

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BumblebeeAndPoppy · 15/01/2024 15:19

Request to speak with ex is strange and not a done thing really. But what stands out here to me is that he makes it sound like breakdown in relationship was purely down to her, it rarely is thay way. I was with someone for 2 years who was keen to tell me early on his ex was violent and generally presented himself as a completely innocent party in his at least 2 past broken down relationships. But then i also found out he was hiding certain facts from me and his story didn’t add up. Whilst he was a good person, he carried on with his stories for a year and after i found out we broke up. Got back together but eventually that didn’t work out because if you can hide things for so long, there is no guarrantee whatever they say is true. Trust was gone and it didn’t work for me.

SpringleDingle · 15/01/2024 15:08

Red Flags:
Very intense, very quick relationship
Crazy Ex
Authorities involved with kids

Maybe it was all her but most likely it was at least a mix and he is partly to blame. Hard swerve on this one.

In contrast my DP has an alcoholic ex. He didn't go into her issues at the start of our relationship and speaks about her now in a balanced way - the good bits, their early relationship, how sad he is that she couldn't ditch the alcohol. He doesn't call her crazy even if some of her behavior when drunk was pretty unpleasant.

meganorks · 15/01/2024 14:59

This is unbelievably weird. No way anyone would want to set up a 'date' with their new partner and 'ex'! If someone I was dating asked for this I'd tell them to do one.

If you don't believe or trust him, then you have to end it. But do you really think you would get an honest answer from his ex? Weird!

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2024 14:52

Just stop seeing him and swerve this mess. It's not hard.