Son called me ugly

Well done for speaking to him. He should know it is unacceptable to make hurtful comments like that.

That is rude. Needs to be told he has crossed a line. If he tries to pull that stunt outside he will end up with a sore face unfortunately.

My daughter (11) told me I'd done nothing with my life the other day, then immediately said sorry of her own accord. That stung so I can empathise.

We are an ND household and we can say harsh things to each other, but I still always pull them up on it and tell them when they've said something rude. I explain every time that it's unkind and ask them if they'd feel ok if I or a friend said that to them? My youngest DS always gets defensive and angry when I do this, but I do it anyway. I also remind him again later when he's calmer, like at bedtime.

I also tell them that in a different setting, like school, this could result in them getting hit or falling out with people.

I don't seek out a sorry from them because with consistency they've started to apologise of their own accord.

If I am really ugly chances are you are too. But I suspect we are both OK.

My adhd kids come out with this crap. Don't engage.
I would have gone with 'well that was unkind' and 'do we need to have another chat abut thinking before we speak and hurting other people's feelings'
Then a large inward sigh

You need to follow that up.

Ask how you were supposed to know he was 'only joking'?

Ask if he thinks it's OK to insult people and then turn around and dismiss their hurt because he was 'only joking'?

Are other people's feelings the problem, in his opinion?

You need to tell him straight up that 'joking' isn't the same as dishing out gratuitous insults, and he needs to apologise to you.

Give him a few examples of insults.
"You're stupid/ smelly/ fat/ useless at sports" ...

Would he feel the person dishing out those insults was joking?

Don't raise a narcissist.

Don't engage with that sort of comment from this ten year old.
Your response to him was basically "Kick me again".

Call him out - address the rudeness and the hurtfulness, not what he specifically said. Do not take any excuses. 'Just joking' is a short hop to 'Just banter' as an excuse for sexual harassment, racist comments, and all sorts of other offensive behaviour and speech.

My DS is autistic so I’ve probably got a bit of a thicker skin than most - I’d probably say it’s a good job being attractive doesn’t make you a better person and use it to talk about how it’s subjective anyway.

I taught mine that you don't comment on someone's appearance whether it is a person's clothing choice, hair cut or colour, body size unless you can say something positive.

I would think about the context of the conversation. Unless you look like one of the women on Gladiators, he won't define you as pretty. I am sure you are attractive and pretty in a different way - and don't need a ten year old boy to validate that.

It doesn't matter whether he defines his mother as pretty; he shouldn't be calling her ugly. You don't need to have a confidence problem to feel hurt when you're son calls you ugly.

Tell him it was rude and bad mannered thing to have said and to wind his neck in.
It's certainly not a nice thing for a son to have said.

little brat. ''brown cat brown kitten'' as they say.

My son also said some really hurtful things to me a while ago, I resisted the urge to say the same back to him. He just said whatever he thought would hit a nerve.

I'm sorry this happened, OP. Even if you brush it off, it is still incredibly hurtful.

Your son is still young enough to have these behaviours and issues worked through and stamped out. For the sake of future women in his life, including girls at school, teachers and women in general, he needs to know he can't say that. He just can't.

When he's older he might be able to handle a more nuanced explanation about subjectivity and attraction and the fact we are not all supermodels. But for now he needs a more black and white 'You cannot say that to someone. Saying things like that is wrong and makes you a bad person. You don't say that to anyone, ever. Not your mum, not boys OR girls or grownups. It doesn't matter what the person looks like, or whether you're angry with them or don't like them. That doesn't make it alright to say'.

I'm sorry it falls to you, the hurt one, to teach him that. Do you have a partner or another family member who could back you up? I remember things feeling much more serious as a kid when it wasn't 'just' my mum telling me off.

Does your son have any issues around impulsivity or blurting things out/ saying inappropriate things? Or is this an infrequent thing?

At 10 I'd punish him for that kind of rudeness. It would really piss me off. Hes more than old enough to understand he is being offensive.

I'd do a 'Get out of my sight if you can't be pleasant and don't think you're going anywhere at the weekend either' sort of sanction. A punishment of exclusion if you like. Enforces the message that if he wants to be unpleasant then no one will want to be around him.

He'd spend the next few evenings in his room without any of the luxuries that his ugly mother pays for until he reevaluates his choices and checks his attitude.

My youngest is like this. She is autistic though, and would not be wrong, I have never been 'attractive'!

Erm 4 kids not one has learnt to say disrespectful things like this

It’s unusual for a 10 year old to say this, unless they are neurodivergent, or deliberately trying to hurt someone’s feelings. A neurotypical child of this age, is old enough to understand the impact of their words.

Sit your DS down and tell him that what he said was rude and hurtful. Ask him why he said it. Ask him
how he would feel if you, or someone else, had said this to him. Educate him about why what he said was unacceptable, by asking him questions and getting him to think for himself about why he was wrong.

My son has said this to me in the past. He has SEN.

I'm not ugly and I wasn't when I was younger but I don't wear lots of make up or embellishments like eyelashes etc. When I do dress up and wear enough paint to rival a drag queen, he tells me I look pretty. He is a young boy who is learning what pretty is - to him he had defined it as a very narrow category of a high glamour gym bunny (which I am definitely not!) so therefore in his mind I was not pretty and therefore ugly.

I would think about the context of the conversation. Unless you look like one of the women on Gladiators, he won't define you as pretty. I am sure you are attractive and pretty in a different way - and don't need a ten year old boy to validate that.

All this worst mother stuff needs nipped in the bud. Don't react.
'OK, you think I'm a bad mother. Well I'm still your mother and I expect a level of respect'.

Dont let him weasel out of being unkind to you. It's shouldn't be an argument. Tell him you expect a level of respect and that's that.

The 'only joking'things needs to be nipped in the bud, otherwise it just becomes a get out of jail card to be mean. Tell him that in your house, you only tell jokes where nobody's feeling get hurt. Tell him to think about what the joke is before he says it, and if it's something that would hurt someone's feelings, then it's not a good joke and shouldn't be said out loud. A ten year old can manage that.

You need to tell him he is rude and that he doesn’t speak to people like that.

”Oh that’s hurtful” will do nothing. Do some real parenting and teach him about appropriate behaviour.