This is not my problem ?

Moneyisanissue · 2024-01-12T17:14:41+00:00

I’ve been NC with my mother for many many years. My eldest ds is 19. He knows this and he knows the reasons why. unbeknown to me he had been seeing my mother , fine, he’s an adult so his choice. I only found out as she has written to me (!) because he had borrowed £500 off her towards his car insurance and has not paid her back as agreed. She is now saying o have to pay. AIBU to ignore this or tell her it’s between them to sort out (as I’ve told ds)

LittleOwl153 · 12/01/2024 19:38

NC is NC. Don't let her reel you in by contacting her to tell her to sort it with him.

Tell DS you want nothing to do with it and to deal with it as he sees fit.

And then move on.

JMSA · 12/01/2024 17:49

I'd be fucking furious at my child for this.
But no, I wouldn't pay it.

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · 12/01/2024 17:48

Try to see the positives.

DS now understands why you are NC and just how toxic his grandmother is.

Do not respond at all. Nothing.

LauderSyme · 12/01/2024 17:44

"but he knew what she was like"

This isn't entirely true. He knew what your experience was and how you felt about dm. But I'm assuming that during his childhood he did not have much interaction with her to be able to accurately judge for himself. People find it very difficult to imagine how abusive others can be, unless they've personally been put through it. I bet your dm is horribly manipulative and ds is only a young adult.

You are right to keep insisting it is between them and to ignore her letter.

plumberdrain · 12/01/2024 17:35

op he went to see her for the money. i would put money on it

Original poster

Moneyisanissue · 12/01/2024 17:32

LenaLamont · 12/01/2024 17:30

She's only ruining your day because you are letting her.

Bin the letter, remember it's got absolutely nothing to do with you and get in touch with your inner Taylor Swift and Shake It Off.

Then have a good Friday night, OP!

Yes you’re right. It’s even just seeing her handwriting I have ptsd from some of the things she used to do and it’s such a trigger even seeing her writing

OP posts:

Original poster

Moneyisanissue · 12/01/2024 17:30

SuperFurryCat · 12/01/2024 17:28

are you sure your mother isn’t trying to drive a wedge between you and your son so you think bad of him? 1. She’s the 1 who has told you they have seen each other and maybe she was hoping that would annoy you. 2. She could be lying and your son is right - he was told it was a gift as a trap.
With relatives you have to go NC with my alarm bells always ring - from bitter experience!

Possibly yes. This is why I just wish he had listened to me and also stayed NC but he’s an adult there wouldn’t have been any way I could insist. Maybe if he’s telling the truth he will realise

OP posts:

LenaLamont · 12/01/2024 17:30

She's only ruining your day because you are letting her.

Bin the letter, remember it's got absolutely nothing to do with you and get in touch with your inner Taylor Swift and Shake It Off.

Then have a good Friday night, OP!

SuperFurryCat · 12/01/2024 17:28

are you sure your mother isn’t trying to drive a wedge between you and your son so you think bad of him? 1. She’s the 1 who has told you they have seen each other and maybe she was hoping that would annoy you. 2. She could be lying and your son is right - he was told it was a gift as a trap.
With relatives you have to go NC with my alarm bells always ring - from bitter experience!

Original poster

Moneyisanissue · 12/01/2024 17:28

tenterden · 12/01/2024 17:26

If this were my mother (NC for years) she would have set the whole thing up deliberately, as a means to force contact. She would have no compunction about telling DS she would give him money because she was getting lifts from him, then cry theft.

OP you know your mother and son best, but my advice is to stay well out of it.

Yes - this is exactly what I was thinking. But then I think he still willingly went behind my back to see her ??? I asked him why he said he doesn’t know. I hate the way she’s ruining my day though when I haven’t even seen her in years it’s like she’s getting power back

OP posts:

Tilllly · 12/01/2024 17:28

Completely ignore it, not your problem. Though I would be very hurt if my son had made contact with my mother in these circumstances

tenterden · 12/01/2024 17:26

If this were my mother (NC for years) she would have set the whole thing up deliberately, as a means to force contact. She would have no compunction about telling DS she would give him money because she was getting lifts from him, then cry theft.

OP you know your mother and son best, but my advice is to stay well out of it.

Original poster

Moneyisanissue · 12/01/2024 17:26

plumberdrain · 12/01/2024 17:24

you will know whether this sounds like your son or not

Show quote history

If I’m honest then yes , I’d be more inclined to believe him than my mother as he generally is trustworthy- but then he went to see her knowing the (awful) reasons I was NC . I can toe myself up in knots trying to work out who is lying / manipulating but he knew what she was like and I know what she’s like so maybe she’s doing this to cause problems or maybe he did borrow and is trying his luck not to repay. I think I’m just going to repeat to both of them it’s between them

OP posts:

plumberdrain · 12/01/2024 17:24

Moneyisanissue · 12/01/2024 17:23

He’s telling me it was a gift as he was giving her lifts all the time so I’m really not sure. I’ve said I don’t even want to hear about it it’s between the two of them

you will know whether this sounds like your son or not

MiIz · 12/01/2024 17:24

Ignore

plumberdrain · 12/01/2024 17:23

Aquamarine1029 · 12/01/2024 17:22

I seriously doubt he ever had any intentions of paying her back.

yup

Original poster

Moneyisanissue · 12/01/2024 17:23

He’s telling me it was a gift as he was giving her lifts all the time so I’m really not sure. I’ve said I don’t even want to hear about it it’s between the two of them

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 12/01/2024 17:22

I seriously doubt he ever had any intentions of paying her back.

Original poster

Moneyisanissue · 12/01/2024 17:21

plumberdrain · 12/01/2024 17:19

so your so. goes behind is mothers back

and then scams his granny

i think he needs addressing your attention more than anything op

I’ve told him he needs to pay it back and to sort it out with her

OP posts:

plumberdrain · 12/01/2024 17:19

so your so. goes behind is mothers back

and then scams his granny

i think he needs addressing your attention more than anything op

welcometothnuthouse · 12/01/2024 17:19

I'd ignore her. Ds is going to learn to be an adult and deal with dgm. No paying it back for him either, he wants to cosy up with her he deals with it. Perhaps he's lost interest now he's got the money.
Not your problem in any shape or form.

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · 12/01/2024 17:19

NC is NC.

I wouldn’t even discuss with my DS.

plumberdrain · 12/01/2024 17:18

ignore obviously

MILTOBE · 12/01/2024 17:18

"Not my problem"

That's all you need to say.

Createausername1970 · 12/01/2024 17:18

I would think that, unless you signed to say you are a guarantor, that this is nothing to do with you.

If I were you, I would pass the letter to son and remind him to pay it back.

How he deals with this situation would strongly influence whether or not I lend him any money in the future.