Husband & lapdance

Not at all - they're often promotional cards handed out in pubs to get people through the door as a loss leader. I saw this loads of times back in the early 00s (when I used to actually leave the house and have a social life).

That would lead to the alternate possibility that, far from having been a dirty rat and gone to a strip club for a lapdance, he had the opportunity to get two free lapdances and chose not to go.

In that circumstance, which is far more likely in my eyes given the available evidence, he'd be justified in feeling pretty damn aggrieved at OP's behaviour. In fact, the sensible advice to him would be LTB, on the grounds that she's so quick to assume guilt regardless of evidence and that's a pattern that will never change.

I confused what the cards are? Are the business cards advertising dances or are they receipts? World of difference.

Apart from the expense, as others said, it’s more about his view of women and respect for you. Not just 1 dance either!

He’d have to have been in the club and intending to get a ‘dance’ to have the cards. Wouldn’t he?

If not be happy with a Laplace, but it's more the 7am that would make me suspicious. That's extremely early/late and I used to party hard in my day

I totally agree with this. Not a popular opinion on MN but for balance I think it’s useful to know that some women wouldn’t be too bothered by this.

Like PP, I’d be a bit 🙄 at the waste of the money.

But...if he still has the cards, he didn't use them. You don't get receipts from strip clubs, particularly not in the form of "cards".

@Thatwagon

You don’t trust him. Thats basically the bottom line, and if you don’t then the relationship is doomed.

FWIW I don’t blame you.

The sooner people realise this isn’t true the better frankly.

Some you are allowed to touch and the lines are a lot more blurred.

Assuming he had the dances this would be a red line for me, I'd not be able to look at him in the same way again.

You must feel horrible :(

He is a liar and a creep with no concerns for your feelings and that is all you need to know. Now it is up to you whether you can accept that and live with it for the rest of your life or are you worth more than a lying cheat?

It speaks volumes about his attitude to women - I would not want to be with him.

When my sister was a teenager, she totally fell for all the ‘sex positive’/‘yay sex work’ faux-feminist bullshit. She was determined to get a job as a lapdancer when she turned 18.

Of course, it was incredibly easy for her to achieve this.

Turned out that it wasn’t the amazing and empowering experience she’d be sold. It was in fact exactly what you’d imagine the ‘sex industry’ to be. She left very quickly (because she had a choice and didn’t desperately need the money, luckily). She very much regrets it and recognises that she had been duped by the bullshit and rhetoric.

Any many interested in using these services is, IMO, not a good person. And I don’t want to have a relationship with them.

A great example of ‘everything I don’t like is woke’ nonsense

Well, it tells you how much respect / concern he has for women. Hint = not much

I couldn't look at him in the same way again

Laura M. Vowels, Matthew J. Vowels & Kristen P. Mark (2022) Is Infidelity Predictable? Using Explainable Machine Learning to Identify the Most Important Predictors of Infidelity, The Journal of Sex Research, 59:2, 224-237, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2021.1967846

Main predictors of infidelity:

• dissatisfaction with sex within the relationship

I asked about whether OP's sex life was healthy with her husband because it's a valid question. Men who have fallen out of love tend to cheat. Men who are dissatisfied in the relationship tend to cheat... But men who have a high sex drive or are dissatisfied with (say) the 'quality' of sex are more likely to explore alternative options like porn, strippers or say, online flirting for a quick relief too.

If this were me, I'd be really hurt... but breaking it down, I wouldn't be thinking the relationship was bad, I'd be questioning why they had to resort to such a depressing sexual relief.

I’d hate this. Not because I think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with strip clubs per se, but because I’m just not attracted to the sort of bloke that would go to one (especially with their colleagues, ffs). It’s that whole ‘tits out for the lads’ kind of mentality that I just find really cringe.

Objecting to ‘live porn’ is completely acceptable.

Frankly, objecting to the sex industry is a completely reasonable position. Don’t assume that many of us aren’t completely consistent on our objection to it.

You might think hat a bar set on the ground (‘not shagging anyone’) is acceptable. But it is absolutely fine and good if other women have higher standards for themselves.

Going to a strip club at all is a dealbreaker for me. If a man wants to do that… well he is most definitely not a man who shares my values sufficiently for a relationship to work. So I would absolutely end a relationship over it. It wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone in a relationship with me either.

That was my first thought.

Think about how the transaction goes - dude wants a private dance, hands over cash...private dance happens. It's possible there's a situation where he'd then get a card to then hand over to any dancer, but he'd have to hand it over so it couldn't be used again.

I can, however, imagine a situation where these are handed out as part of a promotion outside the venue (or even in another venue) in order to try to get people through the door. Even if that were the case, though, for the cards to be used they'd have to be handed over - if for no other reason than the dancers get paid, because it's the club using them as a loss-leader, not the dancers themselves.

Ergo, no matter how the club in question handles such cards, they wouldn't still be in his possession if he'd actually used them.

I’d be fucking furious and let him know in no uncertain terms that he is a sleazy shitbag.

@BalletBob wokism is about prejudice and discrimination - this bloke is getting demonised for going for a lap dance. He's not shagged anyone.... and immediately there are the usual MN "divorce" calls lol. Any woman that looks at porn is being disingenuous about this. It's just live porn.

Like I say, it's really sweet that some believe it's strictly no touching.

Op, this absolutely 100% as sure as night becomes day happens, maybe not all the time, not all the girls, not all clubs. But it's pitifully naive to say it doesn't happen.

Fact is you may never know whether the club he went to was one that turns a blind eye to it.

Ok. I stand corrected as several posters who worked in one appear to say differently. So let me rephrase that: in my city, mainstream clubs do not tolerate touching of females on premises in any shape or form. Which is great as it ensures employee safety. If there are other seedy establishments who don’t care about safety of women, I am pleased to say that neither myself nor my partner ever visited them.

You don't trust him. Boot him out

Your husband went out and wouldn't tell you whether he'd be coming home. The first thing you did when he got back was go through his pockets. This does not sound like a healthy relationship.