AIBU to feel societal pressure re getting a house now we have a DD?

I grew up in a flat in zone 1 London and I bought my own flat there with DH where we lived for a decade. We had 2 dcs when living there and I never experienced any societal pressure to move out to a house in the suburbs. Almost all of our friends were also living in zone 1-2. The ones who did move out simply didn't have the budget for a cental London flat but they reluctantly moved out further rather than it being a choice, and they always seemed envious of our ease of accessing London entertainment and culture. In my social circle, it's normal to want to live as central as you can afford, and only move out further if you can't afford it. So there's a social prestige to living more centrally, even if it's in a flat.

We now live in a 4 bed house in zone 2, but we moved mainly for schools in the area. We would have happily stayed more central if there were schools there that met our needs. I definitely would never have considered moving as far as Surrey.

I know it's quite entrenched in our culture to get as much house as you can afford and that 3 bed semi when kids arrive.

But I think flexibility is important also and living the life YOU enjoy and not overcommitting financially. I know mortgages are stress tested, but the real test is what could you afford if you lost one income totally.

It does sound like you want to stay put. Even in rural areas, there are families in flats with no garden.

What you lose from not having a garden, you gain in other ways.

You could always move again if you got to a stage in life where a garden was a must.

Don't let anyone pressurise you, into saying you MUST have a house or a garden. (I say this as someone who is big on gardening and have a big garden!!) I had a friend perfectly lovely Victorian cottage, her very middle class friends used to say ",oh what a sweet little house" or "oh this is just like our first little place before we had the kids '. She moved, bought a big townhouse. The kids left home soon afterwards and she was diagnosed with arthritis needs knee and hip replacements. All for keeping up with the Jones.

Families living in flats is perfectly usual in London - a city that is full of parks. Lots of conversions come with split gardens & some blocks have communal gardens too, depending on where you are in London & when the properties were built. You get flats the size of/bigger than 3-bed houses. No use having a house somewhere you’re miserable & have to spend hours commuting to & from if you could be happy in a flat in London.

The only people you need to make happy are yourselves. If other people want to focus on houses and make other compromises accordingly then that’s up to them. Besides which, this isn’t some once in a lifetime opportunity. If you buy a flat and a few years down the line feel it makes real practical sense to begin looking for a house, that’s what you do.

Leasehold isn’t this scary beast so many people seem to believe it is. The majority of the millions of flats in England and Wales are leasehold and most leaseholders have entirely uneventful experiences. It’s usually only private estates with residents’ associations and occasionally ex-council flats on estates where you come up against strict clauses around pets and so on, it’s not a feature of leasehold per se.

If it helps my kids are already not that bothered about the garden and I think if overall it's a compromise you're happy to make, then that's all that matters.

We have a garden but our house is on the small side, would it be nice to have a bit more space etc? Yes absolutely. But to stay in the area we like then this is our best option and I'm happy with that.

As long as you're ok with the lease etc then go for what works for you. A decision of this magnitude shouldn't have the opinion of random others involved.

Our 'need' for a garden pretty much disappeared when kids went to secondary, and for our less sporty DD, it had disappeared much much sooner. For very active kids, a garden is definitely a blessing early on, but even then it comes with a cost. When we moved from London to Sussex, I really missed sociable playgrounds where everyone hung out. In Sussex, everyone played in their gardens so most playgrounds had tumbleweed apart from the 10 minutes after schools finished. If you're happy in a flat, and you're living in an area you love, stick with it.

Be honest - would you use a garden? Enough to be worth moving somewhere you are less keen on or spend more

We live two bed flat (albeit without young children) and had lots of "concerned" comments during lockdown about how hard it must have been for us without a garden. We have many parks, commons and even a wood all within 15 mins walk of our flat so were out and about a lot more than friends and relatives with little gardens.

What would say if so look for somewhere with some private outdoor space - we have a large private balcony and it is invaluable for growing plants, sitting outside in the summer and drying washing.

You need to stop worrying about what other people think. Honestly, loads of families live in flats and manage just fine. The pressure you refer to is coming from your choice of acquaintances, reading material and exposures only. It's not as widespread a view as you think (especially in London) and if you change some of your external influences you may see a marked difference in what you consider societal expectations to be.

Social pressure is there to be resisted. We had DS in a tiny zone 2 flat, and while we did move out of London to a village when he was still a baby for work, we recognised this was a big mistake, and, though we didn’t move back to London, we moved to another city centre.

I think that sounds fine. Lots of people raise families living in flats. I don't think that's all that unusual. Actually, I think if you've made it through the toddler years without 'needing' a garden, you've done very well. I would prioritise living in an area you love with a good school and a nice community.

I don't know where this societal pressure you speak of comes from. Over the last decade we rented, bought a house, then sold it and now are renting again. It is great as it keeps us fully mobile and we don't need to budget for repairs. Our kid is 14 and nobody once told us that we need to buy a house because we have a kid.
I grew up in a flat and never missed a garden. We had parks nearby. My friends live in a flat facing a common. Kids are always out and about - never once heard them complain about lack of a garden.
We will probably eventually settle on buying some land and doing a self-build once the kiddo is grown up. This is purely because we love a project, aren't scared by rural living and also need to plan for our retirement so that we are not stuck with high rental costs. For now, though, it is not a priority. We rent from a wonderful private landlord and are very happy with where we are.