Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel societal pressure re getting a house now we have a DD?

139 replies

Wannabemamas · 08/01/2024 09:35

DH and I have been house hunting for a while but the current market is not great (yes prices are coming down but there aren’t many properties available). We are first time buyers, both almost 40 yo with a DD that is due to start school next year. We live in a lovely suburban London area but have been looking to buy a house elsewhere in the home counties (specifically in Surrey) because our budget won’t allow us to get a house where we are now. Whilst we started off being fully convinced with our decision, we are now having second thoughts having seen that the grass is not necessarily much greener in other areas (either a longer/less straightforward/more expensive commute or generally less nice areas than the one we live in right now).

I have been asking myself whether it would be “weird” to raise DD in an apartment in the London suburbs instead of a house with a garden further out as it’s “expected” once you have a family with DC in this country. I feel I would potentially be content in a nice apartment, provided we have: enough space, lots of natural light, period features like big bay windows would be a big plus, a very long lease, great location. I would definitely miss an outside space as would LOVE to have a garden but I also wonder whether this is a compromise worth making given we love our current area so much and works well for us as a family. There aren’t many garden flats in our area and the few that exist are LG floor with for us is definitely a no go.

For context, we have been renting a small 2 bed flat for almost 10 years so we are used to flat living but current salaries and deposit would allow us to ”upgrade” in terms of space so even if it wasn’t a house, it would definitely be a bigger and nicer flat than the one we have been living in.

I don’t want to let peer and societal pressure push us towards a direction that doesn’t fully work for us but equally, I am scared we’d be regretting not getting a house further down the line.

We also own a cat which is part of our family and I fear this could be an issue with a leasehold (our current landlord is very relaxed about pets so we had no issues but I know this isn’t always the case in leasehold properties?).

OP posts:
calmandcaffeinated · 09/01/2024 17:31

I really understand where you are coming from. We actually moved from Kingston where we rented to buy our first 2 bed flat not far into Surrey. The mortgage the same amount as our rent and we have more space and a massive communal garden in a great catchment area and a short distance from a decent train line into London. We have since had our DS and are considering moving to a house nearby. Our mortgage would double, all for a garden and maybe an extra room. It's a tough decision but I understand the pressure. I'm British but DH is not and grew up in apartments. We have had to ignore the pressure to focus on what is best now and to consider our finances (thank god we didn't move when rates were super low- we would have been screwed when remortgaging now). I suggest buying but why not a flat- we are really happy and have spare cash each month and a really lovely lifestyle.

Original poster
Wannabemamas · 09/01/2024 16:46

@Ladyluck22 I don’t think you have read the full post. We are buying. Just need to figure out what and where.

OP posts:
ThisMama1 · 09/01/2024 16:31

@Ladyluck22 i think you’ve misunderstood the question. It wasn’t rent or buy, it was buy a flat where they are (& are currently happy) or buy a house further out in a less desirable place

Ladyluck22 · 09/01/2024 16:13

I always look at it this way can you afford to rent when you retire and still live the life you want? If you can then stay renting if not then look at buying.

Original poster
Wannabemamas · 09/01/2024 14:29

@mummahbythesea thank you! <3 hope your remortgage process goes well!

OP posts:
NonSequentialRhubarb · 09/01/2024 14:17

Personally, I only have a garden because it's attached to the house (and I don't want to live in a flat). Realistically, we use our garden for about six months of the year absolute maximum. And even as a SAHM we only maybe use it two or three times a week. In most households with two working parents, I doubt you'd be using it more than on the weekends.

If you are happy living in a flat, I don't think a garden is a necessity enough that you should uproot your whole lives to buy a house.

mummahbythesea · 09/01/2024 14:09

I would say area is the bigger pro compared to the size of or type of property.
As long as your child is warm, fed and loved that’s all that matters.
I’m currently going through a remortgage and honestly, the rates, prices etc change daily. I’m not in the same personal position I was a year ago. Life is too short to worry too much about the far future. You know at some point you’d like a house with a garden but that point isn’t now and that’s ok.
Hope you find the perfect property for you & your family in the area you love ❤

Jeneregrettaisrien · 09/01/2024 12:27

I lived in a ground floor garden flat in a conversion with its own courtyard garden, walking distance from a great town with cinema, coffee shop, etc. in abundance. There are some lovely split level flats around, even just a few stairs giving an impression of a house. I would go with your gut on where you are happy and most definitely prioritise an easy commute and as a result less tired and more time with your child

Original poster
Wannabemamas · 09/01/2024 11:42

@Aavalon57 yes, we have, which is what I was saying. We had a look around a few places, some are also quite nice but we'd have a longer and more expensive commute or areas are generally less full of stuff to do and amenities compared to where we are now

OP posts:
Aavalon57 · 09/01/2024 11:13

Have you visited other areas where you might buy a house?

Original poster
Wannabemamas · 09/01/2024 09:23

@Jeneregrettaisrien I will!
@Hankunamatata thank you - we already do but we are renting and I definitely know it's doable (although we definitely need more space as our current flat is very small), it's more a matter of understanding whether it's the 'best' choice over a house with a garden a bit further out. I don't know why I am finding it so difficult!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 09/01/2024 09:17

Friends moved to London and live in an apartment with their one dc. They are very happy. Don't second guess yourself.

Jeneregrettaisrien · 09/01/2024 09:16

Have a look at Violet Dent on instagram. Amazing flat. Happy daughter!

Justfinking · 09/01/2024 08:59

In that case, go for the location you want if you think the smaller size is adequate for your needs. Personally I think some outdoor space is so important, but if you get out alot anyway it might be ok for you. There's no point having a bigger and nicer house if you don't really want to be there

Original poster
Wannabemamas · 09/01/2024 08:56

@Justfinking maybe I didn't write the post properly as a few people have misunderstood. We are looking to BUY a place, I just need to decide whether to buy a flat where we live now or a house elsewhere.

OP posts:
Justfinking · 09/01/2024 08:11

Sorry haven't RTFT. What's your long term plan? I want a house so I have an asset to hopefully pass onto DC. To me that's more why a house is important when having DC, plus the stability of having your own home to do with what you want, when you want

Original poster
Wannabemamas · 09/01/2024 07:57

@Islandgirl68 it’s such a big decision, I just don’t know how to make up my mind. What will it take?

OP posts:
Islandgirl68 · 09/01/2024 06:10

It is really hard, we have a small house in a really nice area of a city, have always wanted to move to bigger house, but that means moving out of city or moving to part of city not so nice and leafy. So we like where we live, so small house. If yiu are not sure don't rush.

Original poster
Wannabemamas · 08/01/2024 22:52

@Islandgirl68 I suppose this is what I am struggling with, I see things from a different perspective every day, I really don’t know what to do :(
DH is also open to both options

OP posts:
Islandgirl68 · 08/01/2024 21:58

You have to decide what is more important. Yes living in house with gardens is nice, but not if it means very long commutes and living in a not as nice area. Some times you can't have everything and there has to be compromises. If a short commute and a nice area is top of your list then a flat maybe a compromise. I am at the stage where I don't want long commutes and being stuck in traffic, so I am being very picky when looking at jobs.

HareSalient · 08/01/2024 19:57

Wannabemamas · 08/01/2024 18:38

&@Justdiscovered thank you❤️ so sad re the raised eyebrow, how can people be so stupid and judgemental? As long as someone’s home is clean and safe, what do you care if your kid’s friend live in a 2 bed flat or mansion? I don’t get it.

I know someone with three children living in a small flat in Soho! It’s worth it for the good stuff on their doorstep, plus a two-minute walk to school and five minutes to her workplace.

TTCMama88 · 08/01/2024 19:45

Hard choice, I think good schools are more important. Especially as you only have one child, I think it's less important to have a huge garden. More time with your family is important. Plus there's loads more to do in London.

Original poster
Wannabemamas · 08/01/2024 18:38

&@Justdiscovered thank you❤️ so sad re the raised eyebrow, how can people be so stupid and judgemental? As long as someone’s home is clean and safe, what do you care if your kid’s friend live in a 2 bed flat or mansion? I don’t get it.

OP posts:
Justdiscovered · 08/01/2024 18:36

You don’t want to move out for a house so don’t.
We have stayed in Zone 2 and live in a flat. Only downside is then occasional comment about ‘so you own this or are you renting?’ (How rude)
and whether we have thought of moving out for more space.
Sometimes a raised eyebrow - only from certain parents- when dropping off for a play date. That’s it. Positives - lots of nice neighbours all around, feels safe to leave tween daughter home alone for extended periods of time because of close- knit community.
bery central and local to high street so never a problem having to pick daughters up in fear of a long solitary walk home after dark. Cheap heating bills. Quick to clean = More time for life in general.
Ignore the silly attitudes and fob them off with ‘well I’m European so…

Abracadabra12345 · 08/01/2024 17:43

Ginmonkeyagain · 08/01/2024 10:33

Be honest - would you use a garden? Enough to be worth moving somewhere you are less keen on or spend more

We live two bed flat (albeit without young children) and had lots of "concerned" comments during lockdown about how hard it must have been for us without a garden. We have many parks, commons and even a wood all within 15 mins walk of our flat so were out and about a lot more than friends and relatives with little gardens.

What would say if so look for somewhere with some private outdoor space - we have a large private balcony and it is invaluable for growing plants, sitting outside in the summer and drying washing.

Edited

Indeed. Gardens also mean neighbours outside all the time - especially during lockdown 😩

Swipe left for the next trending thread