Infidelity and forgiveness

You have every right to hate his sexuality so stop letting him make you feel guilty for hating 'that part of him.' No woman wants there husband to be gay/bisexual/pansexual or what whatever he is. That doesn't make you homophobic, you got into a relationship with a man who you believed was attracted to women, who chose you to be his one woman, and 25 years later he wants you to just accept that not only does he fancy men but he has gone behind your back and slept with one. This man does not deserve your forgiveness

Unfortuately op, I agree with everything Ladolcevita233 has said..I thought the exact same things..

If I hurt someone I would want to know how I needed to make it right. I would ask. I would check in. But he's literally stone walling me.

That's because you care!! He doesn't.

I appreciate you really want to find a way to work it out, again, because you are so caring.
But he doesn't want to work it out op.
What he wants is for you to be quiet about what he is doing to you.

This is already crippling your self worth.

He is abusing you. Please seriously think about getting away from him.

He is trying to railroad you in to believing that pansexuality or bisexuality means you are allowed to force a person you are in a relationship with to enter into a consenting polygamous relationship. You have not at any point consent for him to have relationships out of the home. Also pansexuality and bisexuality does not mean you must be in simultaneous relationships with men, women, non-binary or transgender people. It means you are attractive to a diverse group of people not restricted to the people of opposite gender to yourselves. You can and lots of people are in loving faithful long term relationship of all varieties and find people of all gender definitions attractive. I am bisexual but have been in a relationship with a man since I was 18. It doesn't stop me finding women attractive but I don't do anything about it because first and foremost I love my partner and I don't want to hurt more than I many years ago when acutely mentally unwell

You entered into a monogamous heterosexual partnership.

He does not want and is not capable of a monogamous heterosexual partnership.

It is a deal breaker, the deal is broken.

A monogamous heterosexual partnership is impossible with him.

Yet he wants all the advantages and privileges of a monogamous heterosexual partnership and family, alongside all the advantages of a "pan sexual"/bisexual, varied lifestyle.

He doesn't get both.

There isn't one woman in a million who'd accept that - the only person who would would be a similarly "pan sexual" woman who wanted an open relationship. Let him find that (needle in hay stack) though personally I suspect he wouldnt end up with that if set loose, he'd just be homosexual. Hes pursuing the "pan sexuality" angle because he's already in this ltr/family and doesn't want anything to change. He wants to keep the status quo. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

He thinks you're a doormat who'll go along with it.

Sorry, but that's obvious from all your posts.

He thinks he just needs to huff, sulk, show you he's unhappy with you, pressure you, manipulative you; and you'll fold to please him/accommodate him. He is top dog. He runs the show.

He has some fucking neck on him, that'd for sure.

I take it this is mostly the dynamic of your entire relationship.

Seriously who cares whom he's sleeping with? Bullshit with the pansexuality. The issue is he lied and lied and lied and cheated and put your health at risk.
There really isn't very much more to it, however complex his sexuality is.
He's a liar and a cheat. Being whatever-sexual has nothing to do with it.

The stonewalling is part of gaslighting.
He is making you doubt yourself, making you wonder if it is you.
making you question whether you did something, because all the time he sits there looking sad and sulking, it is basically him saying, I didn't do anything how can you be so mean to ME.

I am sorry to be so hard. I know this is the man you loved.
But his behaviour now is telling you that right now he does not love you.

I am a great believer that anyone can change. I would never rule out the possibility that someone could have a moment of revelation and realise what they had done, and turn their life round. But it is unbelievably rare and until it happens, and until they prove that they mean it, you must take his behaviour for what it is.
He doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. It is all your fault in his eyes, because you are concerned about him and his needs.

That isn't a you problem op. He is the problem. He wants to have his sexual lifestyle he wants with your blessing while you wait at home keeping house.

He is becoming abusive by stonewalling you so you bend to his will. I'd ask him to leave op. I don't see a future and you deserve someone who worships the ground you walk on

He is stonewalling you yes, it's the next tactic because you have had the temerity to question his behaviour.

You are being treated like shit, yes, and while I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I'm so very glad you realise this. A bunch of flowers wouldn't make a bit of difference here.

You move on by doing what is best for you xxx

Thankyou

OP how are you doing now?

You are getting some fantastic support here and also, knowledge.
Keep empowering yourself with everything you read here, do not let this man load his shame and anger onto you. You are not to blame, for anything.

He is abusive.

So he cheated before and his trying to cheat again. His making you out to be the bad guy because you just can’t get over it and are no longer affectionate.

Does he not understand how when you break something or someone it/they are never the never same even once repaired and repairs are not easy.

Brake a vase and only tape it the water still flows out the gaps and it falls apart again, you can’t demand the vase is fixed. You can slowly and painstakingly glue the vase back together and it might be 99% fine but you might still find the odd leak breaks though. That the glue doesn’t hold forever and it still need more restoration over time to be watertight again.

You’re honestly worth so much more don’t let him blame his pans or autism on not understanding. He certainly understands how to feel mad that your no bending to his will.

He is gaslighting you, because when you are angry about his cheating and lies, he is turning it round to be all baout how uncool you are and how unkind you are to not support him. He is making it sound as if YOU are the problem, because you won't be cool with his sexuality.

So you end up feeling guilty, as if it is somehow your fault, as if you have been the one who didn't play fair.

That is ALL gaslighting.
The reality is
he cheated
he has changed the goal psots
he is unrepentant
he is still tyring to have his cake and eat it.

His negativity towards me because of his actions has made me feel guilty because it was as though I was being negative about his sexuality.

That's how he wants you to feel. He's hoping you'll feel so guilty that you will tolerate him doing whatever he likes with whomever he likes. Frankly, you would be crazy to continue with this marriage. He shows no remorse and is basically blaming you for his behaviour.

He's still technically cheating by continuing to engage on these sites and is on tinder still. He's definitely gaslighting you by getting angry that you 'hate his sexuality ' and using your feelings against you that you should just suck it up and accept it. What he's really doing is avoiding responsibility for his actions and pinning it on you. He's not changed his behaviour, addressed his fault or tried to fix your marriage as he's still on the sites, he's not being upfront that he's looking at this as if he was and you were ok with it that'd be different. I'm glad you're separating his sexuality and his infidelity as they aren't connected, he still cheated and if it was a woman you'd still be justified in how you feel.

Personally, I would be a lot more worried about the fact that your husband cheats on you using hook-up sites than about the specific sex/gender of the people he cheats on you with. Ultimately, he went out of his way to seek out risky sex with other people. That's what would bother me, not the person he chose to cheat with. But that's just my personal feeling.

If you, however, feel that his sexuality (ie being pansexual) is the bigger deal, then even if you forgive him for cheating, I don't think you can expect to have a healthy relationship with him. It isn't fair (on either of you) to stay together if you think his sexuality is abhorrent/offensive/wrong. It would beyond dysfunctional on both sides. You would both be miserable and end up hating each other (if you don't already).

I don't want to leave him

Don't, then. But if you choose to stay with him, clearly you can't expect him to somehow change his sexuality so that he's only turned on by people of a sex/gender/appearance that you personally find acceptable. Regardless of what you think of trans people, you can't just somehow stop your husband finding them sexually attractive.

Setting his sexuality aside - you also cannot somehow go back in time to before he cheated on you. This will never unhappen. So if you can't forgive it, you need to accept that your marriage is over. Personally, I wouldn't forgive someone who cheated on me, especially with someone he actively sought out on a hook-up site - but I also wouldn't continue the relationship.

The only options here are:

a) stay with him, and somehow accept and be at peace with his sexuality and/or the fact that he cheated on you
b) stay with him, and continue to massively resent and be disgusted by him, in the knowledge that this makes you both angry and unhappy
c) leave him

Personally, I don't think options and A and B sound very feasible. But it's up to you.

What a very fortunate fellow. You are financially, physically, mentally and emotionally oh and socially stuck and he not only has zero repercussions/responsibilities following this behaviour he gets a fucking free pass to do as he pleases.
maybe beastiality is next? If it’s sexual practices that endanger your life will you leave then? You really have no red line do you?

He is trying to make this your issue, not his, which is deplorable and rubs salt in the wound which would be substantial enough without him trying to mindbend you so you feel guilty for his infidelity and lies.

I would agree with another poster who says he should leave and give you some breathing space in which to work out which way is up and fully appreciate the situation based on the facts at hand rather than the self serving spin he would like to put on it.

Sorry I got confused reading all the messages.

"Last night found some more stuff from other sites he was on at that time. Also noted a tinder activation code in his text messages from Wednesday. "

He's looking to cheat. Kick him out. You need to get some space and he needs to understand this is not ok!