"I've never found him attractive"

Don’t you think the more likely explanation is that the women did want sex in 2013 but 10 years later they don’t any more?. Maybe they have hormonal changes that has decreased their sex drive. Maybe they are knackered from raising children.

Maybe they are sick of a partner who always puts themselves first and doesn’t bother to find out what the problem of their problem is. Who just wants to play the blame game.

I know if you had accused me of selfishness and dishonesty, sex would not be on the cards for the foreseeable future, no matter how attractive you were.

I was friends with a woman like this. She was very attractive and her husband was not remotely, though he was very nice. When she introduced me to her husband, she told me (not in front of him) that he was 'not the best looking creature!' I could understand why she was with him as he was really nice and they did appear to be quite loved up, but I always wonder if he knew that she thought he was ugly.

What is an 'alpha male'?
A man's supposed to be a provider. That means doing stuff for his woman.
Selfish men who do nowt are such a big turn-off.
Who is attracted to these jerks?

I don't hold with the "we're programmed to find alpha males attractive" evo psych bollocks. I don't find alpha males attractive, they are just too OTT.

I agree with this. I find confidence attractive, of course, but true confidence often goes hand in hand with kindness.
That kind of swaggering stuff on the other hand is total overcompensation.

I don't think I've ever heard a friend say this - "we've grown apart" or "we're like friends now", yes.
I have had friends who leapt into relationships and indeed marriage with attractive, abusive men (and also those who weren't attractive and were abusive - mainly those who didn't seem able to be single).
I don't hold with the "we're programmed to find alpha males attractive" evo psych bollocks. I don't find alpha males attractive, they are just too OTT.
I can however see why some women end up with total shits. Dad was like that. Society says you have to hold the family together if you are mum. Etc. etc.

I have always assumed that women who married someone I thought looked like a piece of washed string, were just into the washed string type.

I agree, I think it's selfish

I have a male friend who this happened to, he's a lovely kind and considerate guy, met a woman she moved in, got married had two kids, moved into a lovely big house and then she divorced him. She now constantly uses the dc to get more money from him and has made it nearly impossible for him to see the dc on a regular basis. He's distraught but the whole relationship was like watching a car crash in slow motion. A lot of people could see it happening but he refused to see her as anything but good.

not necessarily getting at you but hell this is depressing - for both men and women involved in such a pairing.
Personally I think sexual physical attraction vital - plus personality/meeting of minds/spirit - both vital - otherwise why bother?

We could just get rid of societal expectations. That would do everyone a world of good. What is the point of settling and not being happy? It's easier to be miserable alone than in company and both of you being miserable.

Yep. Biologically it’s the alpha male we are programmed to find attractive but unfortunately this is the type most likely to cheat and or behave entitled & selfish.

I'm genuinely surprised that so many people think that it's normal to stop fancying your DH or think that he's less attractive after X amount of years together.
I've been married for 25 years. Mid and late 20s to mid and late 40s. I genuinely look at my DH and think he's gorgeous! Probably even more handsome than when we were younger and thats because of the man he is. I grab his bum and kiss him several times a day, as he does me. And I wouldn't say we have a highly sexual relationship or a relationship based on attraction, quite standard for 25 years of marriage. We didnt start off as a relationship based on looks or lust either. It was his kind nature that won me over and he always says it was my sense of humour. He's been such a brilliant husband and father though, he shows me such love and care. We are growing older together in a loving way, always putting each other first and that in itself is enough for me to look at him and find him irresistibly attractive. I still see the young man I fell for and the glint in his eye.
I think I'd be really sad if I stopped fancying him. If I'd never met him and met him now at the ages we are, I'd definitely fall for him again, looks too!

I'm genuinely curious now - are many of you married to men you've never been in love with?

Why can you not just hold out to fall in love with a nice, dependable guy? It seems to almost be implied that it's either/or - the hot, unreliable player or the dull but steady bloke.

I don't think I have any friends who found their husbands unattractive when they married them. Perhaps not the hottest guy they ever kissed but not actually unattractive, in fact, what was astonishing is that they did genuinely fancy them in those early stages! 20 odd years or more down the line, some of them don't fancy their husband so much as their husband have changed (put on weight in one case), or their husband have turned out to be crap husbands (two of them) but none of them are thinking of leaving them because they aren't hot. It's a complex of friendship, companionship, needing the dual income, some still have a sex life.

I don't think marrying people you really have no attraction to at all is common, settling down with someone who is unconventional looking or not their usual type or not the hottest, fine, but I don't know anyone gritting their teeth for money. That's come later on when they have dependents who they have to care for which is hard if you are a single or lone parent.

What you're saying is too simplistic.....

I worked with a guy who at first glance I thought wow he's really very unattractive, but he had a stunning wife. I worked closely with him for a while and quite honestly I would have married him in a heartbeat, very charming, charismatic, funny etc. He was a catch, but on the face of it really unattractive.

My husband, I wouldn't say I'd want to rip his clothes off, he doesn't make me shiver by just looking at me, not at all. But I've got a stable guy who I get on very well with. He's a great husband and a great dad. We spend a lot of time together.

Is our marriage perfect? Hell no but the alternative is way worse - in my own personal circumstances

'But 20 years of gritting your teeth and doing the deed once a week? It sounds awful for both parties.'

How old are you op? And do you have dcs?
I actually think sex once a week is the norm for alot of sleep deprived couples with young dcs. Sex couldn't be further from the mind when in that situation! Yes sex is important, but there are alot of other things that are equally! It is about more than lust.

A lot of these 'nice guys' will be there for them, provide, help raise children and remain faithful - but as per your post, apparently this isn't enough.
Perhaps people should stop always looking for something better, and accept that nice people, despite being a little more 'dull' than some unicorn types, are actually a better all-round bet?

These days an awful lot of people seriously over-estimate their market value, and it'll come to bite them on the arse in future.

I think, as long as everyone has their eyes open, there are all sort of different relationships.

I had a friend whose husband had left her with no explanation or warning, and she took him back. Never asked or questioned his reasons.
Then he did it again, for good that time. She was destroyed.
We, her friends, couldn't understand why she'd never got into why he'd done it the first time. She was just 'so happy' to have him back.
The second time he left her, l remember her saying to me, so vividly, "I'm not like you. I can't be on my own."
I was in an abusive marriage for over a decade. I couldn't live with that. I've had relationships since, but never lived with anyone.
Fortunately she's with someone else now (much later on) and they seem happy. I'm glad for her, she's nice and she deserves to be happy.
Maybe some people just want to be settled and have children.
Looks fade, personalities change (I know mine has, since l was married 30+ years ago).
But 'settled' with someone l wasn't attracted to, or didn't love, isn't for me. I can't have sex (or even kiss) with someone l'm not attracted to. It was never about money for me, or children.
Each to their own.

I thought that. That novel is never far from my thoughts tbf😊

@Ladolcevita233

I do think the vast majority of women wear make up. I literally see it everyday.

Charlotte Lucas anyone??

Would you leave the house without your "armour" on?

Interesting choice of words. I don't wear makeup (never have) and haven't dyed my hair since before covid. We're not all the same.

I married mine because I knew he would be dependable and loyal and a good dad

Half the replies on this thread read like they were written by Fathers 4 Justice members and/or incels. INcluding the OP.

People settle all the time.

Levels/leagues are also a very tricky thing.

Because people are attracted to different looks and different vibes and different personalities.

One person's 9/10 can be another's 5 and vice versa.