Aibu regarding in laws??

OP you are acting like such a victim in your post and replies to people, as if you weren’t an active agent in deciding to have a baby and also invite two sides of in laws to stay in a 1 bedroom house. The grandparents are all just trying to help and obviously putting their own discomfort aside agreeing to a horrible lifestyle to help with the baby. Grow up, stop whining and go look for a decent nursery for your child.

OP, I think the crux of the issue lies with you and your husband agreeing how decisions are made.

Both you and your husband are in one family unit. Each of you are also in separate family units with your birth families. It sounds like you and your birth family are happy for him to be a welcome visitor to this unit, but your husband wants your and his unit to be disbanded and absorbed into his birth family unit - which is something you don't want.

I think you need to have an open discussion about this and set boundaries. I expect even if you do this, the pressure and expectation from the in-laws and maybe him won't subside, however, your husband's expectations about the future holds will moderate his expectations.

Like you, I was a people pleaser, but having children changed that. My children needed a happy and confident mum and I was not willing to compromise that to suit other people. Living with your in-laws won't be healthy for you by the sounds of it. This doesn't need to be about who they are or what they do, it's as simple as you only living with the person you chose to commit to and not his wider family (who you didn't commit to). It doesn't matter what you thought would work prior to having children. Having children is life changing and changes our outlook and perspective.

You and your husband need to after a way forward. You are taking his parents living with you off the table, so together you need to make a different plan.

Would staying in your current home reduce the mortgage payments, that then offset nursery costs? Moving to a house to accommodate his parents isn't necessarily saving as much money as thought? Either way, your mental health is a lot more valuable than money!

childcare doesn't work like that. You need to know what will happen when your main childcare provided is ill. That is why people often choose a nursery instead of a nanny - as a nursery has plenty of staff so one person's illness doesn't force them to close childcare

I beg you, for your own mental health stand your ground and go with the nursery option.
If you give in to their demands as sure as the sun is going to come up tomorrow you will be living with them at some time in the future 😱

I suspect your ILs will never be satisfied with how you do things so stop worrying about how it all looks and just do what you need to do. If you stick with this insane, toxic plan, you are on a fast-track to divorce. Sorry. But you need to take this seriously.

Stay in your 1 bedroom flat. This will save lots of money and prevent your ILs moving in.

Find a childminder or nursery. Your child will benefit from the social activities with other children, learning to turn-take, share, etc. Not always being the centre of attention. And not always watching TV.

Remind your DH that he chose you as his DW, not his mother. He owes you respect and care. It’s his duty to protect his (nuclear) family - that’s you and DC now.

Good luck

You want the free childcare but don't want the upheaval of them staying with you. I understand that. But it just won't work.

Excuse the name! Not aimed at you always my in laws 😂

With any relationship it’s about expectations and boundaries. Cultural differences - even between two people from the same back ground never mind different cultures is always going to cause tension when it comes to family life and children. Tbh this is now the time you lay your cards on the table regarding everyone- at the moment it’s my mum and my mil and my DH tbh you are going to have to start saying - No that won’t work for me- I can’t do that- or even I don’t want that.
And I say that as someone who is in a mixed race and mixed cultural marriage - lay down your new familiar expectations-

Nursery is your best bet and yes it will be expensive and it will cost a lot but the cost to your stress levels, your relationship with your partner, mum and in laws will be forever tested.
Free child care means you cannot dictate - they will have to stay- who needs that. Don’t let your parent/ DH or in laws / mum whoever rail road you into a situation that long term will never work.

The above scenario is your worst case, one of us is seriously ill, something has happened I need emergency child care for two weeks tops- anything else is a nightmare situation-
Sorry to be so blunt

You need to say a very firm no.

They are not staying over to do childcare. If they want to do childcare they will need to move close enough to come for the day.

They are not living with us EVER not even 3 days a week.

This really is a marriage hill worth dying on.

When the culture thing is raised you should say that your culture is equally important AND you all live in the UK and it is not normal here either.

Clearly you do not have the room in the first place. If they're travelling to look after your little one and in turn they'll be missing out on social things locally where they live, then it does seem a bit mean to just kick them out when you don't need them, as they're doing you a massive favour. However, this is clearly going to cause a lot of tension and alongside possible different parenting views, I think the best thing would be nursery with a view to seeing them regularly/meeting up midway - you don't always have to go!

*dis-entwine yourselves

FGS, dis-entwineyourselves from them! Why the actual f would you be wanting them to do any childcare??? This is madness. Use a nursery. You’ll seriously regret it if you don’t.

This is not going to work! If they annoy you know it is going to be so so much worse when they look after your LO more regularly. I think you should look into a childminder. It doesnt have to be family OR nursery, our LO sees his childminder the same as he would an aunty.

Sounds like a not very stealth move by you DP and inlaws to get you all living together.
If they don't plan to go home between child care days ..then how long before they sell their house and lo and behold you are all living together.min what your mil will see as "her" house and thus "her" rules go...

Agree with others see if you can find a child minder they are often cheaper it’s a nightmare using family and it will end up being more of an inconvenience in the long term

Sorry- just seen your answer earlier to this. It sounds horrendous.

It's bizarre and you have a DH problem. You need to tell him straight that:

a) His parents are not staying over at your house- not this one ever, or the two bedroomed house anything other than very occasionally.
b) You are not ever going to live with them.

Then discuss nursery and insist on it.

Do not give in on any of the above. These people will have you living in their house before you know it and your life will never be your own.

SIL had massive regular childcare help from PIL and many years on regrets the damage it caused to their relationship. There was certainly no special GP bond as the DC grew.
We paid for nursery and are beholden to no one. She is on call 24/7 now they are older and frail.
Pay for nursery.

But where did they sleep in a one bedroom house? You, DH a baby and 3 other adults?

That kind of childcare arrangement is unsustainable surely? Yes it's free, but at what cost?

The fact that they would have to stay over would take the in laws off the table as an option for me.

Haven't voted because your yanbu could be taken as asking if ywbu to try to make them do childcare on your terms. You can't do that.

Just stick to nursery. You can't have them staying overnight and they live too far away to provide reliable childcare. They can come on daytrips to visit on non-nursery days but relying on them fir childcare is a terrible idea when they live 2 hours away. It's a terrible idea anyway because when childcare is free you don't get to dictate how it's done and your mil clearly has very different ideas to you, but that doesn't have to be spelled out to her when the practical barriers are so high anyway.

Get childcare, not from them. You will regret it forever otherwise as they'll think you owe them (which you kind of will). It's never ever worth it!!

YABU because it’s absolute madness that your in laws will stay with you in a one bedroom house for three days every week when you’re back at work! They’re too far away to help with nursery regularly in my opinion. Put little one in nursery for those three days instead.

Sorry OP, didn't RTFT and see your update about two bedrooms, but I still maintain you have to put some boundaries in place here otherwise your whole life (and your child's) will be smothered by your in laws.

So your DH is basically saying that if you use them for childcare they will move In?!

How will that work in a one bed house? It sounds completely impractical for them to be involved in childcare if they live two hours away, and I would be looking at other options.

Actually, you choose to be that kind of person. You are conflict avoidant and if you continue to be this way, you and your child are going to be the losers.

You not only need to tell him exactly how you feel, but what will happen if he doesn't make you a priority. The alternative is you being put out to pasture when your NVDH and his parents decide they can manage just fine and you already gave birth to "their child", so your job is done.

Sorry if you think this is harsh, but I am getting to the point where I can't believe you just have been taking this and not protecting your child, your privacy and your family. I am beginning to think your NVDH knew exactly what he was looking for when he met you, as did his parents.