Another wedding related one

It’s ok to say thanks, but unfortunately we can’t make it. Hope you have a wonderful day. No drama or upset :-)

How is this even an issue - just don't go, you don't HAVE to 🤦‍♀️

Gosh, I didn't go to my grandads funeral - rather remember him in my own way.

@StockpotSoup - we became friends, I was with my ex for another four years, stayed friends with the usher (son is 19, btw) and we only got together 3 years ago. Incidentally, ex was having it away with someone else and told me on the day his girlfriend had their baby, who is now 15. If that hadn't happened, I would be with my ex - and miserable (as would he), rather than with someone who actually loves me and makes me feel like I matter. Even if just to him.

My friends all love him, my kids like him (he, my son and my son-in-law are currently all having a Fifa tournament downstairs, loudly) and my parents find he's handy for putting shelves up. If people want to judge me for that - for making a friend that ended up being, potentially, the love of my life (ex and I were together from 14 to 30...), so be it.

Stones and all that.

But thank you so much for assuming (although yes; more context - IF I ever get married, it won't be because I fancy "a big party"... it'll be because I genuinely love the other person and want to spend the remainder of my life with them.). So judge away... at the end of the day, I daresay that I couldn't give two shiney shites.

So you ended up getting into a relationship with someone you met the day before you had someone else’s baby? I imagine a fair few people might get quite judgmental about that.

Of course, I’m sure there’s more context than what you’ve shared here. But perhaps there is for OP’s cousin too. Maybe this is a lesson for you.

Maybe this makes me "a bad person" - but I've been in this situation before, with my best friend. She married, 400 miles away from where I live, on a weekday, hyped my then-8 year old daughter up that she was going to be a bridesmaid and told me that I was her Matron of Honour - a week before I gave birth to my now-19 year old. I had the expense of a hotel in an expensive city, two outfits (my original outfit didn't fit because she bought it when I was still only 5 months pregnant, but luckily didn't get funny when I turned up in my black "smart" maternity clothes... because it was either that, or my ex's tee-shirt and pyjama bottoms, because I was the size of a small farm by that stage), my ex couldn't take time off work (he didn't like the friend, is the truth of the matter) so I also had to drive 800 miles or so with a hyped-up 8 year old (who looked like an angel, actually and performed her duties very sweetly) in the car, not knowing anyone but the bride and groom (and I wasn't a great fan of him, because he was borderline abusive to my friend) - to be told, "oh, I just fancied a big party!" when asked by one of the other bridesmaids about her reasons for getting married. It jarred all three of us a little, as we'd all had to travel to support her need for "a big party" and being the centre of attention. One of the ushers took pity on me when my friend joked about the city having a fantastic hospital if I suddenly went into labour, and stayed as sober as I had to, because literally one day from my due date, "just in case" (and he was actually very funny and we spent the miserable "big party" people watching - because there wasn't even any music!) I was terrified of having my son without his Dad around, but I went because the bride was (still is) my best friend and I wanted to support her... not realising until too late why she was getting married. I remember saying to my ex that it was "a once in a lifetime event" for her, and my daughter would have been devastated if she couldn't be a bridesmaid, my friend having really hyped the whole thing up for her ("you'll be a little princess for the day..."). It could have been worse. I gave birth a week to the day later, my daughter had a day being doted on by strangers - and I met my now-partner (said usher).

The marriage lasted a year and four months.

I judged massively when, two years later, she decides to get married again - another big ceremony, lavish reception, same expensive city, would the children like to be bridesmaid and pageboy, with me Matron of Honour again...? Nope. No thanks. Not going to happen. Learned that lesson. Ex and I were mysteriously busy that Thursday, thanks... doing what? Erm... uh... making chocolate teapots!

That marriage lasted two years.

Last week, I got a "save the date" 'e'vite to friend's third "big party". Usher and I are not attending, although my 28 year old daughter might be (not as a bridesmaid because she's no longer so angelic and cute/suitable for a photo prop).

Conversely, another old school friend's marriage imploded after a year (we were at that wedding, too, whilst I was pregnant with my 19 year old, but it was literally in our village and she was marrying because she thought herself in love. When she remarried, she and her second husband (they're still together) took themselves, two witnesses and their parents off to the local Registry Office, then announced they were married afterwards. Quiet, discrete, everyone was happy for them.

First friend, everyone in our friendship group sort of rolls their eyes and wonders how long each marriage will last and how many kids she'll have this time (she has one from the first and two from the second - none of which she has custody of, so personally. I do worry that she's vulnerable and trying to create "the perfect family" and that's why it's not working, because it's not possible).

(Before anyone jumps on me - I refused to get married for a multitude of reasons, although said lovely usher did propose to me on New Year's Eve and I have tentatively said "yes". IF he ever gets me before an officiant, it'll be me, him, my kids and our parents... and it'll be because he claims to have fallen for me whilst I was stone cold sober, annoyed and the size of a farm with swollen ankles... and because he was sweet, kind, funny, indulged my daughter by playing our weird made up word game "Pig", and repeatedly tells me that I am still beautiful despite being a sweaty peri- mess...)

But yes; I would judge. I have judged. Second plus marriages... discretion is key.

YANBU, @mrsclaus1984

Pretty sure I said in my post that he could have just been incredibly unlucky, maybe both of the previous two women left him. In which case he could be a little more cautious about getting into another serious relationship so quickly. So I'm not assuming the women are poor, downtrodden women with no agency. We don't know.

However, people (men and women) get into less than ideal relationships for many reasons. I'm speaking from experience. There are many reasons why people sometimes ignore red flags.

Just because another adult woman has decided she wants to marry this man doesn't mean the OP has to accept, welcome and support the marriage.

I would decline. I'd be very cynical about celebrating any kind of relationship of this fickle fellow's and wouldn't trust myself to hide my feelings.

Yanbu

He could just be leading woman after woman down the garden path and dumping them for the next one, in which case I don't blame OP for not wanting to go to the latest wedding.

Do none of the women involved have any agency? Several people have commented here about the cousin’s behaviour raising “red flags” - if you can all see it, why the assumption that his fiancée is a poor little innocent, downtrodden woman who has no idea it could potentially go wrong?

Of course his relationship history isn’t ideal, but unless he’s lied about it, an adult woman has decided she’s okay with it and still wants to marry him. I don’t see how he’s leading anyone “up the garden path”.

I love this 🤣

Is his name Ross Geller?

My husband has a friend who is a “serial fiancé” bless him, never quite makes it down the aisle 🤦‍♀️ The point the op is making is 5 years, three fiancés, one ex-wife and a child, yea he’s been busy and quite frankly has the rebounding capacity of a rubber ball by the sounds of things. As other posters have said that’s a hell of a lot of “life long commitments” in that space of time.
Op obviously and rightly so considers marriage or even the suggestion of it to be taken a bit more seriously than the cousin does. Yea sure things happen outside of your control but there seems to be a common denominator here and it sounds like the cousin 🤷‍♀️ if he keeps going at this rate for another few years he’ll have spent his pension on diamonds and parties.
Well done OP so seeing it how it is and making your excuses. As another poster said hard to listen to “till death do us part” several times from the same person.

I don’t think the OP is that bothered what he gets up, but wouldn’t you be Annoyed that he seems to commit to everything that walks and then be expected to celebrate, costing you personally lots of money?

I think I'd go for entertainment.

My cousin married twice. I didn't go to the second wedding because I just had a feeling this one wasn't going to last either...also I was working and couldn't get the time off.

My DParents and brother went though.

The marriage lasted about 18 months. I feel like a dodged a bullet.

No discredit to the sisterhood but both wives cheated on him.

You don't have to go. It's a cousin, not a sibling or best friend.

OP I had a situation in my family that was kinda similar in levels of messiness (maybe worse). My relative got engaged to one man when pregnant, gave the child up for adoption as they split up in pregnancy, got back together as soon as the baby had been passed to SS and married, divorced within the year, married a new guy almost immediately, divorced within the year again and then remarried the same man.

I mean I know love lives can be messy and tumultuous (just look at Elizabeth Taylor!) but I wouldn't personally be arsed with going given a choice. It all happened in such quick succession that I wore the same bridesmaid dress to all of the weddings (I was I think between 9 and 12) and I'm fairly sure the bride wore the same big flouncy princess gown for at least two of them. Obviously their live choices were not about me but my cousins and I were very confused at the succession of 'uncles'. My parents defo wouldn't have bothered if there was an expectation of presents etc after marriage one!

A hit dog yelps. I can only assume that you have a romantic history similar to the OP's cousin.

Sorry, we can’t make it. What more is there to think about?

Of course a person who makes these flippant 'life long decisions' one after another is going to be judged.

If it were me, I would be far too embarrassed to throw another big wedding after only asking all of my family and friends to give up their time and money 5 years previously.

I think your use of the term sneered at is a bit extreme. I wouldn't sneer at a relative for this, but I absolutely would judge them and not attend another wedding.

I agree with this.

If you don't want to go, then don't go. Just reply to that effect if when you get the invitation. There doesn't need to be drama.

Totally this.

Christ this has to be the most frustrating thread I have ever read in over 20 years of being here. Do him a favour OP and don't go, I wouldn't want the company of anybody who sneered at me.