AIBU about my SIL?

Your DH needs to call her out on this imo

So doesn't she include you in these plans? If not, why not? I wouldn't be pleased if it was me. Just tell her it's not on and she needs to look elsewhere!

I think your real issue is that DH is a push over. First he accepted her saying horrible things to you, then he was to soft to say no to her weekend hobbies, and then when you pushed it he was too soft to say maybe he wanted to spend time with his sister…

I bet he’s a lovely man but he’s trying to please everyone and will just end up pissing everyone (and most importantly you) off!

Either DH stands up for you and your family unit, or you move away.

That would be my bottom line. Life is too short.

Not easy, but it's straightforward.

also she gets upset if PIL do anything with me, so now they don’t.

So, yes, her trying to do things with MY family, really does get my back up.

She sounds genuinely awful. And I agree with you when you say it’s like she’s already excluded you from the wider family, and she’s now starting on your own family.

Your H needs to pull himself together and tell her no and why.

You still don't invite a whole family but exclude their wife and mum because you dislike them. You invite everyone and build the relationship you missed out on with your DB and his kids because of your own behaviour and once it's built it may lead to activities with them on their own.

How has she pushed you out of a relationship with PILs? Surely any relationship you do or don’t have with them is the responsibility of PIL, you and your DH? If anyone has allowed SIL to prevent that then that’s on them too.

I don’t think you can blame your SIL for not having a relationship with PIL. Even if she tried to prevent it, it would have only worked if others allowed and enabled her to prevent it.

AgaIN I can understand why you feel she is “muscling in” and can understand your bad feeling. However despite this your DH and children (who are not little kids) can decide to accept her invitations or not. They can choose if they want to spend time with her or not, or they could even say “oh mum would love that. She’ll come along too”.

Obviously your SIL sounds like a nightmare and your relationship is bad. However it sounds like a lot of other people have either enabled her behaviour or maybe don’t feel the same way about her behaviour as you do.

I feel that I have missed out on a relationship with my PIL, especially MIL, and there have been many times when I could've needed some support with the DC as mine live much farther away.

do you want to spend time with these people? It isn’t too late for you to start trying to foster a relationship with them and suggesting activities to do together? Or is it more their support and childcare that you wanted?

your SIL is taking an opportunity to build a relationship with her nieces and nephews, I think you would have to be very paranoid to think that the main motivation on this was to spite you. My guess would be you aren’t invited because you dislike her?

So, yes, her trying to do things with MY family, really does get my back up

They are HER family too. She might not see you as family as you aren't blood but HER brother and HIS children are HER family.

It's not like she went and invited YOUR siblings out

It sounds like she asked HER brother to do an activity over multiple weekends with her, one you wanted to do with him as well. You expressed this and your unhappiness and DH didn't do it.

Now she has suggested a one off activity which needs 6 people and has invited HER family to come with her.

That's ok. Every single activity doesn't have to involve everyone.

And, again, people are allowed to realise as they grow older that they want to spend more time and build new relationships with THEIR family.

She sounds toxic - my SIL has a similar pattern of behaviour and manipulates family relationships because she’s jealous . If she tried to do things with my DC now whilst excluding me I’d be fuming (she’s not once done anything with my kids in 20 years and lives locally). My DH - her brother sees through her agenda so would absolutely call her out.

YANBU.

The OP has a pretty good reason for not liking her SIL much, but since all the nastiness came from the SIL in the first place, I still think it is because the SIL doesn't like the OP, and not because the SIL knows the OP doesn't like her.

Shes excluding you

YANBU. I thought you were U at first but considering your updates as well, she sounds horrible. I can't believe your PIL have caved to her and now don't do anything with you. Why isn't your DH calling her out? Never mind being too polite. It's beyond rude to organise a family activity and say that one member is not invited.

YANBU - she sounds really quite nasty and using your family to her own ends. Your DH needs to grow a backbone and tell her where to go.

You sound really jealous. Yes they are your family, but it is her family too. It sounds like she suggest stuff - leaves you out because you don’t like each other and then because you like the sound of the activity you would rather “reserve” it to maybe do with your DH at a later date.

she doesn’t have to do stuff with her partner- plenty of people do activities with siblings, friends or other family members. I don’t get how it harms you (apart from FOMO?)

Your SIL wants to do something with her brother and doesn't have kids of her own, or a husband who wants to do stuff with her. Also, you don't like each other, clearly. All very awkward.

The obvious solution though is for your DH to decide what he does and doesn't want to do and just leave it with him. Do you not have a brother to hang out with too? If DH doesn't want to do it he should say so, and I'd stay out of it otherwise you'll make things worse.

Just as an aside; if I had relatives I couldn't stand, I would never agree to live close by to them. It's just asking for problems, which is what you now have. Leave it be.

Majorly disagree with the people saying excluding you from an entire family activity is reasonable.

If she had extended the invite you you, then I would say you’ve got to consider it.

As the invitations stand, YANBU!

It’s absolutely ludicrous to book up your entire family network that you’ve built over a lifetime - just because she’s decided to swoop in now. One outing - sure. But not loads of weekends, long term, potentially forevermore.

All those saying its normal for a whole family to be invited excluding the mother are the weird ones on this thread.

A good point

My childless aunt has definitely done more with us now we are adults than she did as a child. Because it's easier to connect now. She didn't have children to share playdates but as adults we can go out to the pub, the theatre, the cinema, spa days etc (and yes, some of these have been just us)

If your DH and DC are adults presumably they can say no? Or is the issue you want to do these things too but SIL is organising them and excluding you?

If your SiL doesn't have children, she may have felt excluded when they were younger. Now that they are older it might be easier for her to connect with them as they might have more common ground.

I do think OP the thing which strikes me is you feel usurped because you are a close nuclear family and do lots of things together. But especially as DCs get older I think it is nice they do other things with extended family. DS has been to lots of things with my SIL and enjoyed them Doesn't make him any less part of our nuclear family & doing other stuff with other relatives personally I think is healthy rather than turning every invitation down flat because it's not both or either Mum and Dad there. Could the 6 person event accommodate 7 ? Would you be interested in it. If not just let them go and have a nice time.

Other opinions are available 😊

YANBU There must be a hidden agenda here from your SIL. Why else would she suddenly want to spend time with your DH and DC after years of not wanting anything to do with them?