To not work

You already sound quite down on yourself, feeling boring, judged and anxious with no passions etc. I'd be concerned how you'd feel after another 10 years of that. Working gives me confidence in myself and a sense of purpose beyond my DC. You don't have to do anything 'just because' but I'd at least start thinking about possibilities for down the line, so you don't become more anxious and introverted to the point where it feels too daunting to go back out there. You say you're academic - is there something you could study? Either for pleasure or for longer term retraining? You sound like you're good with kids so would you consider doing something like that after yours have grown up? As the finances aren't an issue, I'd think more about your own sense of worth and purpose beyond the family, and the loneliness in the evenings as well. I do hear that the current set-up suits you in some ways, but it also galls me how accepted it is that yet again the guy has the absorbing career, earning power, is away for long days, while the wife has none of that and frames herself as boring with no interests apart from a bit of knitting. Some more balance is good.

You dont owe it to anybody to work but it'd be good for you. Pension contributions, getting out of yr comfort zone, making yr child with autism appreciate you when ur there, same for rest of family, maybe enjoying a pt job? Maybe making some new acquaintances?

If you found out your husband has been having an affair with a work colleague and she was now pregnant would you be in a financial position to manage if you split up. I think you need to build some small career for yourself. Local firm that just wants someone for few hours each morning to even do office management, invoicing, etc.

Are you in a big town? I’d be going to museums and galleries. It can be done on your own, you can afford it, you’d have plenty to talk about.

If I were you, OP, I’d look for some voluntary work for a charity. The Oxfam bookshop would be my choice! (I’m retired.)
If I wasn’t needed fairly often to stay 60 miles away to help son in law with 3 young Gdcs when dd is away for work, often for a week or more at a time - not regular or predictable dates - that’s what I’d do.

(1) no member of your family would benefit from you working, including you as it really doesn’t sound like you want to (2) you don’t need to work for financial reasons (3) you can’t think of a job that would be mornings-only, term-time-only (3) the only thing bothering you about this set up is what other people think (completely and utterly irrelevant), some kind of guilt, and that you might be boring to talk to.

Take a course. Educate yourself about something that interests you. Join a hobby group where people enjoy the things you enjoy. Nobody - NOBODY - is thinking about you as much as you think they are. They’re too busy thinking about themselves.

I had 2 severely autistic children with behavioural problems, I was judged by relatives, who I saw very occasionally for not working. Now I am approaching 60 they keep quiet, but reality is I will be looking after them well into retirement. If you have normal self sufficient kids you will be in some form of activity/work when they get older as you will get bored.

Do what ever fits your circumstances and needs, rather than what you think other people might expect you to do. If you are content being a SAHM and can afford to do that, there is no reason to change it. I am sure many would chose to stay at home if they could afford it.

Really the only person who's opinion matters is your husband. If he is happy to bear all the financial responsibility then I guess that's ok? Others opinions don't really matter. What I would say is , as long as you have a plan IF divorce/illness happens you should be ok.

This. And no doubt the op has life insurance for both herself, and her husband, I would have thought, so why the hell should she work. I would not give it a second thought.

YANBU to not work

YABU to feel guilty about not working. This is where you need to change your ideas, guilt is no good, drop it. Who do you feel guilty for? Why? What difference does you working make to them? Nothing. If they are bitter, will they be less bitter if you get a job? No... they will just be bitter about something else... live your life for you, for your family you do what is best, and you not working is best for your unit.

"I know a couple of people who have not worked since their first child was born and are now grandparents. They are boring people."

This is not inevitable though. Maybe you just phrased it badly, but you make it sound as if not working makes people boring, rather than that you happen to know a boring couple.

Round here retired people seem to lead busy and active lives, travel/sport/gardening/learning/dancing/painting and a hundred other things.

Round here there are knit and natter groups, where knitters meets for coffee and a chat for an hour or two once a week. You may enjoy that.

I think the only person besides yourself who’s opinion is relevant here is your husband

how does he feel? Is he happy being the sole earner (and the stress and responsibility that entails)? I think not working is absolutely fine if you’re both in the same place with it, but if he’s feeling the pressure perhaps there’s an option that gives him a bit more time back and you take on a bit more?

I don't think people are making out that all men are scum but it's always sensible to plan for that eventuality. Sounds like OP has though.

Provided you have planned ahead (which I'm sure you have) and could financially support yourself in the event of a separation/your husband being unable to work then do what you want and don't feel guilty!

If you don't need to be in paid employment and you don't want to be in paid employment then why take up a job that someone who needs or wants it could have?

If you and your husband are happy with your family set up then who the fuck cares what others think?

I know a couple of people who have not worked since their first child was born and are now grandparents. They are boring people, totally wrapped up in their family bubbles with no interest in anything outside of it.

I'm not jealous before anyone suggests it. I took voluntary early retirement at 58 after 40 years in the workplace.

If anyone judges you, it's probably because they're jealous. You're in an amazing position, one which so many could only dream of.
Not having a mortgage is a huge goal for so many, on its own.

You shouldn't work out of guilt. For me personally, I like to have my own money. Granted it isn't anywhere near as much as what my DH earns, but it's mine.

If you're happy then just carry on as you are.

I would love to know what yo our husband does for work @Evanna13! Seems you have the ideal life!

People don't just work for money and you keep saying you're being judged and you're incredibly lucky to not have to work but I don't envy you. My career and most of my friends work and although it's perhaps at times stressful I would hate not to have one for absolutely no other reason than myself and my sense of purpose.

Being an introvert doesn't mean you can't find a career. Many of us have offices where we can shut the door or wfh. It honestly sounds like you arent fulfilled or happy.

Knitting isn't necessarily boring! In our town there's a local arty/crafty shop that has different crafting groups doing activities each morning including knitting, so if you wanted an activity there may be something along those lines near you. Also people knit little hats for the hospital to give premature babies, and with cost of living going up there may be charities/food banks/refuges who you could knit baby clothes/hats/scarves for to give people in need. Though that said, people probably aren't judging you in the slightest for not working, especially where you are doing the lion's share of the childcare. It may be nice for you to have something for you though, especially as the kids get older and need you less/differently.

@IHateLegDay "My DM keeps commenting about me going back to work and says she worries I'm wasting my life."

This makes me lol so hard. The amount of desperate clock watching I've done over the years! My mum and sis know my plan to retire at 50 amd confidently announce I'll be bored.

It's bonkers. I don't enjoy working.

OP I am like you, quiet, was very academic. I have spent years hiding anxiety and depression at work.

Sounds like you're all set financially so don't worry what others think.

I'm in a similar position.
I'm a SAHM and both children are in school now. I don't need to work as DH earns well but I feel very judged and like I should go back to work as it's expected.
We have no family or friends to help with childcare so I too would only be able to work within school hours and term time.

My DM keeps commenting about me going back to work and says she worries I'm wasting my life.

Do you even want to work? Or just feel you should? I wouldn’t worry about other’s opinions. Do you not use any childcare now?! I’m TT only but my dc go to holiday clubs.