To not work

@ironedcurtain where can you find this type of work if you don't mind me asking. I'm in a toxic workplace and this option sounds great.

She already said he’s happy with the arrangement as it suits him

Op would you mind answering how your husband feels about you not working?

I’m wondering if this is triggered by the transition from ‘ stay at home mum’ to ‘housewife’ ?

you should do whatever you want to do and without judgement from others. Could you find a befriending or voluntary job to Supoort your community during school time ( if you don’t need the money but could do with a something?)

If it works for you and your family it's not anyone else's business surely?

I would just own it. "Yes I don't work and yes I'm fecking happy about it!" That's what I would do and what I hope to do one day!

You could learn something maybe? Do an online course so that if people ask you can say you're studying.
But overall please remember we should never be defined by the job we do- we should be defined by who we are. And you sound happy and lovely. So I wouldn't worry.

God, no. I envy you but I don't think you're unreasonable!

Why add to your stress and make your life worse for yourself and your children based on your theoretical idea of what other people might think about you?

I do understand your feelings in the sense that I was also very academic but I absolutely don't subscribe to the idea that an intellect is "wasted" because it's used to raise a family and support your community rather than selling it to the highest corporate bidder.

You're very lucky, as you say, and as long as you're financially protected, crack on and enjoy living, I say!

I think that one thing that has been greatly reduced as a result of increased female employment and the subsequent growth of families where both parents work of necessity (never sure how much these are linked or not!), is volunteering work. And modern society is still adjusting to this.

In your position I think I'd be looking at what activities I enjoy, what environments I enjoy, and keeping an eye open for opportunities to leverage those to help others. What one person will love doing would be a total turn off for another, so don't be influenced to think "oh I should go and volunteer in a charity shop" if that is not your thing. For example, I saw you'd mentioned knitting - well, check where your nearest maternity hospital / NICU is, they usually welcome items for prem babies or baby toys and clothes to sell as fundraisers. Definitely link up with one before making stuff, as they will be able to tell you what they would find most useful.

It certainly sounds like you have a lot of reason to value your flexibility at present, so I wouldn't rush to feel you have to "do something". But do keep yourself engaged with your own interests as well as those of your children.

I don't think you should feel judged, but I would start exploring who you are and what you enjoy beyond homemaking and children – whether that is employment, something else or something in-between. There is nothing wrong with a life filled with that, but it is a very brief life, when your home and children begin to need you less and less. I think it's beneficial to have a life for yourself.

If you're happy and content in life then I would just leave it, you aren't going to get a job easily anyway given you won't use childcare. Different things work for Different people. DH and I have always shared the financial load so that we can spend time together as a family, but it seems like that's a sacrifice you're willing to make so that you can have time alone. If DH is happy with that too, then fair enough!

Personally, I would just want to be careful about the message the DC take from it, but again maybe that's not a concern for you, which is fair enough.

If it's working for you, I wouldn't worry what others think! Everyone's just Different with differing priorities, and that's OK.

Agree.

I currently work full time, but I definitely wouldn’t judge you 🙂
I think in an ideal case, each family needs to find a setup that works best for them.
In our case, my husband and I never both worked full time and not from home at the same time. So one of us was always more flexible and able to stay at home with a sick child or pick them up from school earlier.
Personally, I would hate it to be stressed to bits, because my employer was giving me a hard time because I needed to stay at home with a sick child. I know that not everyone has a choice though.
I think if one partner is in a demanding job with long hours and lots of travel, it’s not unreasonable if the other one doesn’t work (even with school aged kids), or chooses a very flexible job (if available).
I can also relate to the fact that you need some time to yourself in the mornings, to be able to give your best in the afternoons and evenings with your kids 💐

If it was me I would be looking into courses to complete from home. Not necessarily anything to help a future career but something that I found interesting like history or photography.

I bet that you aren’t boring.

Do you have friends? I doubt that they find you boring and if they do you need new friends.

It presents very differently in women, compared to men, and you've had (what) potentially 30 years of learning to mask.

I would explore it, if I were you. Its very common for parents of newly diagnosed autistic children to then realise that they themselves should probably look into it too - often resulting in a diagnosis.

As long as you are content, and the situation works for you all, and the family income can support it, do what works for you.

Can I ask, with zero judgement here, whether you have considered having an autism assessment yourself? You say your dc is, and mention the things he likes and they are similar to what you like. There is typically a genetic link, and it may explain some of your anxieties and preferences. Purely so that you can better understand yourself and why this set up works well for you, which may ease the guilt you seem to carry.

If it works for you don't worry. But keep your state pension contributions up to date. You don't have to be employee to do this.

It sounds like your lifestyle works for your family and I don’t think you have any reason to feel ‘guilty’ or ‘boring’.

Like others have said, my only worry would be not keeping a foot in the world ofwork for future scenarios. I’ve seen the apparently most happy and stable marriages break down (some real shockers where I’ve been completely stunned!), and it’s always the SAHM who gets shafted by her once lovely husband.

I’d volunteer, even just for a few hours a week, and maybe do some short courses online to keep my skills up. I’d always be thinking ‘if I had to get a job tomorrow, could I?’. It’s sensible for any adult to think along these lines.

I’m currently in a similar position to you, have been for about 3 years, but I’m about to start a new job. I have loved the time I’ve had and it’s been relatively low stress. I honestly wouldn’t worry what people think… it sounds like it works for you and your family and that’s what matters not other people’s opinions.

One caveat though: have you thought about what your life will be like when your children are teens and need you less and when they leave home? If you don’t have any interests or things you really enjoy outside of your kids/home you will likely find the transition incredibly hard. I’m already preparing for the empty nest years by doing my best to retrain and hopefully find work that’s fulfilling and enjoyable even if only part time. So it might be worth thinking about that sooner rather than later.

I'm in this exact same position op except I have a 1yo but I also have a nanny. I did feel a bit judged but now having my baby it feels a bit justified when I speak to people. However I am feeling less and less like I care about other peoples opinions. We have a very good setup and each one of us is happy and doing things at our pace. The kids have all the attention and fun times without rushing, I'm able to fit in time for myself while running the household, dh gets home and there isn't much to do except spend quality time with us, we sit down to a good meal everyday. I had a corporate career and I wouldn't go back to that. Enjoy the time whilst it's possible.

You say you were quite academic. Is there any part time studying you’d like to do? Not because you have to but because you want to . If you are happy just as you are don’t change it because of what you’re thinking others might be thinking! But if you’re bored and a bit lonely it might be worth thinking of something that takes a few hours a week and gives you a bit of community and mental exercise

You are only being unreasonable because you think you should work as you feel judged! That's no reason to work especially as you are happy and many employers are totally unreasonable. All I would make sure is that you have some sort of financial provision for yourself as sadly relationships can sour.

The people judging you, they will probably judge you no matter what. So, I wouldn't worry about them.

It's yourself and how you feel that is important and the people that love you.

The rest are just opinions that you filter out or in.

Do, what makes you happy and ignore the judgy people, they will alway judge.

Work is not just paid employment. Volunteering is great work, learning something new/challenging is great work - can give you plenty to talk about, and boost your confidence.

I felt the most boring when I was in my previous career routinely working long hours/weekends and had at most one day off to crush on the sofa. I realised that everything else I enjoyed, all my interests etc have gone away - was one of the main reasons I change my career and am working part time whilst also having more time for family, exercise, learning, reading etc. But that’s if YOU feel like you’re stagnating and bored.

If you’re content though and the main issue is being struggling a bit socially - feeling judged, difficulty conversing with people, you can work on that. People love talking about themselves way more than they’re interested in you in any way. My step mum has been a SAHM for over 20ys and she can’t hide from people wanting to talk to her and be near her because of the warmth and interest in others she projects. Nobody gives a crap about her employment status.