Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aging parents.....

42 replies

threefiftysix · 31/12/2023 21:02

In my experience it's normally the daughter who looks after their parents as they grow old.

I don't mean becoming a carer, I mean things like checking in on elderly parents or making sure they are invited over for Christmas and generally are ok.

I am by no means saying this is correct but that's what I have seen.

Do you agree? And if so do you think this is fair?

I was talking to my husband and he disagreed and said he think there is no differentiation between sons and daughters here. AIBU?! What is your experience?

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 31/12/2023 23:08

If I go through previous care clients then, no, it didn't fall to the eldest daughter any more or less. Usually practical aspects (living nearest) are foremost. Though one particular client it was a whole golden child scenario that was very strange.

junebirthdaygirl · 31/12/2023 22:53

In my family my sisters and l did personal care but dbs did everything practical and were very involved in doctors visits/ shopping/ finances and eventually funeral.
I have two male friends whose sisters did nothing...not even visited except maybe twice a year. They were completely hands on. My neighbour is in a nursing home and her son visits her after work every evening. His siblings come occasionally.
But you are right it is mostly women .

Circularargument · 31/12/2023 22:45

Ex older people's social worker here.

Your DH is wrong. It's mostly women, almost the only sons who fulfilled that role had no female siblings.

Original poster
threefiftysix · 31/12/2023 22:32

Thanks everyone. I'll have a look there.

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 31/12/2023 22:28

You'll find the Elderly Parents board in the 'Other Stuff' section on Mumsnet.

ShanghaiDiva · 31/12/2023 22:27

That’s my experience. My brother lives overseas so I don’t expect him to help out, but he didn’t phone our mother for three months.

EmotionalBlackmail · 31/12/2023 22:26

Look for the Elderly Parents board on here - you'll find loads of great advice and support and many people (almost all women!) going through those

Theinnocenteyeballsinthesky · 31/12/2023 22:26

threefiftysix · 31/12/2023 21:02

In my experience it's normally the daughter who looks after their parents as they grow old.

I don't mean becoming a carer, I mean things like checking in on elderly parents or making sure they are invited over for Christmas and generally are ok.

I am by no means saying this is correct but that's what I have seen.

Do you agree? And if so do you think this is fair?

I was talking to my husband and he disagreed and said he think there is no differentiation between sons and daughters here. AIBU?! What is your experience?

ONS backs you up OP https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/socialcare/articles/unpaidcarebyagesexanddeprivationenglandandwales/census2021

Unpaid care by age, sex and deprivation, England and Wales - Office for National Statistics

The provision of unpaid care at country, regional and local authority level and analysis on deprivation with comparisons to Census 2001 and 2011.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/socialcare/articles/unpaidcarebyagesexanddeprivationenglandandwales/census2021

Original poster
threefiftysix · 31/12/2023 22:21

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Both mine and DH parents had children in their late 30's and so did we so we have found ourselves in the position of having young children and elderly parents both who require a lot of attention and time.

My brother has made it clear he won't be helping out as he works long hours (his wife cares for her parents). My DH's sister lives far away and they will be caring for her husbands parents.

So basically we have both sets to think about. My husband does long hours and is the bread winner so I feel it's unfair to take the attitude of, ok well I look after my parents and you look after yours as I know he doesn't have time.

I'm becoming more and more resentful towards my husbands sister for taking on such a large carer role for her in-laws when her own mum needs it. Although I'm probably being unreasonable.

But I genuinely don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Projectme · 31/12/2023 22:15

Yes thats my experience.

My brother has totally fucked off now DM is very ill. Its all down to me to deal with everything that both my parents need. It's exhausting.

Similar situ with DH family. 90% of caring for their aging mum is down to DH's sister. DH does what he can but he works long hours. Other male siblings are a bit hit & miss.

Honeyroar · 31/12/2023 22:07

Not always. My husband did the lions share re his mum before she went into a home. I do the majority during the week for my mum, but my brother steps up at weekends. He lives 20 miles away, I live one mile away.

BanjoMango · 31/12/2023 22:03

Maybe the norm, but by no means my personal experience

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 31/12/2023 22:01

You're probably right that it's the norm.

It's not my personal experience. My mum has 3 sisters and a brother. Her brother isn't the oldest, he just happens to be the only one who still lives close to their parents. Alongside my grandad, he did the bulk of the care for my grandma before she died.

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 31/12/2023 21:42

I have sisters and we shared the load with our own parents. DH has a brother and a sister and they both pretty much checked out when MIL needed help. Pretty much gave up any pretence of helping out at first lockdown, and stayed that way until her death.
DH did the checking in etc and between us we managed appointments, shopping, etc. I called a halt when she became incontinent and confused and got social services involved.
My opinion of my BIL & SIL really nose dived.

BIWO · 31/12/2023 21:25

This was my experience - both parents are passed - three siblings - 2 sons and me as the only daughter. My eldest brother run a mile and it was left to my middle brother and me to deal with the day to day. In the case of my father, me and my middle brother went down on alternate weekends to help my mother out as otherwise she could not take him out of the house. In my Mothers case she developed dementia - lived with me for around 18 months and my middle brother had her on alternate weekends. That was a very difficult time - I would have liked to have understood what was going through my elder brothers mind when he choose to not do anything. I am forever grateful to my middle brother for the support he gave. My message - do not assume its down to the daughters to provide the support.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 21:11

I think it’s more often the eldest child, well seems that way in my family anyway.

Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 21:07

Yes, the people I know always the woman