Aging parents.....

My parents and their friends were all born in the 50s and most of the women worked and only recently retired - they had their children in the 70s and early 80s when it was perfectly normal for women to work after they had children. More SAHMs definitely but also quite a lot of working women

With me and my brother - yes I do the checking they're OK, organising them to come for Xmas etc.

My brother doesn't contact my dad really all year and recently was surprised at Xmas meet up that dad now has a hearing aid, whereas I've known about this for about a year because I make phone calls and organise meet ups.
My brother will do things if asked to do something specific, and straightforward but otherwise doesn't think outside the box.

My uncle though, did more for his parents that my mum.

That's not my experience tbh. Dm, ex mil, new mil, aunties and dm friends all born 1940's/50's and all gave up work on marriage and never returned.

In fact I think you had to in some jobs. It wasn't the done thing.

We all helped theres 3 us. But you can only do so much when you work too and have family. Its really difficult op. It can go on years

Think you have your generations mixed.

The boomer generation, 1946-1964, of which I am one, is typically made up of women who work ( many of us still as the youngest won’t be 60 yet), women who studied, and a generation who ignored the ‘stigma’ of divorce.

Not a generation who enjoyed the luxury is homemaking, many of whom are/ where full time working mums but still get left to look after the elderlies. Again, like me.

The 1950s stay at home housewife was generally of the silent generation., who merely had to grow up in wartime, learn to deal with food rationing and also juggle kids and grandmas

My own mum had to look after her demented mother for many years , while we were still at home. She also worked part time.

The caring work falling to women is deeply ingrained.

My DH did most of the caring for his mother and DB certainly pulled his weight in looking after our mother.

It is usually women, partly because the boomer generation were homemakers so had the time.

The difficulty nowadays is that pretty much all women are working and old age lasts so much longer. Previous generations in my family would have a terminally ill relative stay for a mere few months. Now, a commitment to look after an elderly relative 24/7 can be a 10 year+ commitment.

I'm the only daughter of 4 children. 90% of DMs terminal illness and death fell on me and 95% of demented DFs needs is now my responsibility. DBs have been spectacularly shit! Care home staff say it's usually the daughters who cop for it. I long to be an only child so that I could have autonomy. It would genuinely make things easier.

I will probably encourage my children to move away from us for this reason.

My brother has been very open about the fact that one of the reasons he moved away was so that he wouldn't have to get involved with caring for elderly parents. My sister and I will no doubt have to do this when the time comes

On a practical level it can be who lives closest. For example I don't live near enough to my parents to be able to offer regular practical support and my sex doesn't really make a difference to this.

DH did absolutely nothing to help his parents, it all fell on my and his oldest sister. He didn’t even visit thin hospital or when they were dying - that really shocked me but told me a lot about what to expect when I get old 😵‍💫

To offer a different perspective, it's sometimes caused by the elderly parents.

My in laws have always declared the daughter is a daughter all her life, sons don't give a shit when they are married thing. They therefore moved thousands of miles to be round the corner from their daughter. They provided the daughter with lots of support, financial and babysitting. They barely see our children once every couple of years. Damn straight, she will be doing the caring, none of their sons will want to at that point.

I have two DD and two DS (one single). My DIL made it clear right from the start that when I need looking after it will be my DD’s responsibility, as it’s up to girls to look after their DP. DS and DIL have 3 sons so who will be taking care of her?

In my sister's case it was her youngest son.

It's geography in our family. My brothers do the most for my dad as they live very close. I'm 200 miles away.

In our family - 2 ds, 4 dd, it was the daughters who did all of the caring.

But I'm sure it varies.

I thought this till I started doing care reviews for the LA and found a lot of carers were actually sons - it surprised me tbh!

Yes in families I know it's usually the females that take this on. The only ones I recall that are make are only children. I even know two women who do it all from abroad - the sons that live nearby to the parent/s do hardly a thing, not even visiting much.

That's not really been my experience. My mum didn't need any extra support until after my brother had died, and as the only remaining child, then I did everything I could for her. But my husband has been the one who has looked after his mother, who developed severe dementia shortly before my mum. There was a short period where I took my Mother in law to some of her appointments as well as my mum, because it was so hard for him to get time off work at the time whereas I was working from home part time, but he retired before things got too bad for his mum and has done almost everything for her since.

It may the norm, but as the eldest I’ve seen my younger brothers take on far more work than I could. I do provide more social contact to DM most weeks but they are the practical ones.

Relative sizes of family members makes a bigger difference than you think with a lot of mobility or dementing illnesses - it’s the only factor that favours women not being primary unpaid carer. Or not for long.

As a short-ish woman I sort of dodged a bullet with physical care for my demented parents cos they’re uncooperative & I’m much smaller than both of them.

DB and DN, both over 6 foot, couldn’t manage getting DF off the loo once, though. We had to get NDN in. It takes 3 male carers to hoist and move another elderly male relation.

The arrangements we made are long term - We’re looking at 10-15 years of 24 hour paid care. By men at the mo.

There aren’t many advantages to being 5 foot 1 but this is one of them.

My experience is that my brothers are great with the practical stuff like DIY and bins and lawn-mowing etc, but I’m the one who takes her to the doctors, and shopping and spends more time just sitting and chatting and listening to her worries. One of my brothers (financial profession) has also taken on responsibility for financial advice and admin.

So yes, there’s a division of care along broadly sex-based stereotypes.

Historically eldercare was down to women cos men - husbands or fathers- supported the carers financially.

Ho ho.

Historically elder care was briefer. Another hollow laff.

The exceptions to female care were the mentally ill and demented - as anyone who’s got a fully demented parent knows, women can’t manage them physically. Keepers were men. And paid.

Imho, this is feminism’s next big battle.

To be fair my brother was great with my Mum who lived until she was 97. He lived nearer and I visited at weekends and covered when he went on holiday. We had carers and district nurses for most of the physical care.