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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH reaction

59 replies

reflex123 · 31/12/2023 05:26

Can the kind people of Mumsnet help me on this one? Last night me and DH went out for a long awaited "date night". It was fine right until the last 10 minutes when DH stormed out. We had seen a couple walking out, past our table, and I had commented that it was nice of the boyfriend to be carrying the bunch of flowers that the woman had. I said was a caring boyfriend. My DH took great offence and said I was having a dig at him, that I "always do this" and always compare him to others. This seems to be based on my positive comments of other men over the years like if they come up in conversation. E.g oh so and so is such a nice guy! It transpires that each time I do this I am making DH feel bad. I will admit that our relationship is not rock solid and I feel a lot of emotional needs are not met. I do see positive traits in other people but am not consciously comparing them to DH - that I am aware of. But perhaps in light of everything and what DH said, is there a chance I am?! I am so confused. I tried explaining things and then got tired of what I felt was childish behaviour from DH and just laid it down that I would like him to be more emotionally supportive and compassionate to me. I may have called him thin skinned. He then stormed out and is giving me the silent treatment today. I tried asking for time to talk but he said he needs a day on his own. AIBU for comparing him to others with comments like these? And Was my reaction unwarranted? I'm left feeling very confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
reflex123 · 31/12/2023 07:53

Thanks for the replies. My comment wasn't out of the blue. My DH had already commented on the couple as they were one of several that had walked past in the same situation (they were the bridesmaid's partners coming out with them as there was some photoshoot at the venue we were at) so it was topical rather than me singling it out. To me, I felt he was extrapolating massively to a comment and if he'd felt that way for some time based on previous comments I had apparently made I wish he had brought it up sooner and in a less attacking way when we had both had drinks.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 31/12/2023 07:52

It was an odd thing to comment on and could come across as pass/agg.

GoodVibesHere · 31/12/2023 07:44

I think it odd that you noticed the man carrying something for the woman he was with. I honestly wouldn't notice, or think anything of it. I don't know why you needed to comment on it. The bit I find strange is that you even said 'he's a caring boyfriend'. I can sort of see why your DH picked up on it, because it comes across that you were purposefully pointing out how 'good' other men are.

MintJulia · 31/12/2023 06:01

If you are on a date night, surely you are trying to focus on each other, something you do not always have the chance to do, and re-energising your relationship.

Not admiring the manners of passing men. It depends on your tone and what the conversation had been up to that point, but I can see your dh's point.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 31/12/2023 05:57

Ohh both wrong, I can totally understand if someone said oh isn’t it nice to see a nice caring young man that your DH would take it as a dig and if that’s how your worded I think you meant it to be.

Can you get couples counselling to work out teamwork, and appreciation's communication

SutWytTi · 31/12/2023 05:51

AIBU for comparing him to others with comments like these? If you are comparing him to others, then yes that would be unreasonable.
Possibly the comment about the flowers sounds pointed, because it is not a comment-worthy action. It could easily be interpreted as comparative.

Only you know if you're being passive aggressive, but I think if my DH spent a lot of time saying 'isn't that woman lovely' 'isn't that woman lovely' and 'isn't that woman lovely' I would be Hmm after a while.

You could be coming across similar to when you hear parents saying pointedly 'oh doesn't that little boy have lovely manners!' when annoyed with their own kid.

Storming off sounds extreme, and the fact he now won't speak to you is not good. It all sounds draining.

LilBooThang · 31/12/2023 05:45

He sounds very paranoid.

Does he smoke weed?

brainworms · 31/12/2023 05:43

He sounds like a massive baby.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 31/12/2023 05:41

Tone and context mean a lot so it's hard to say. Saying someone is a nice guy or did something nice really shouldn't be effecting him unless you say it as a passive-agressive dig at him. You should be able to talk without little throwaway remarks being made out as an attack.