DH reaction

Maybe it was passive aggressive. Maybe it was just a meaningless comment. Difficult to comment on that part.

i would find it very difficult to contend with someone who would flounce out of a restaurant in a huff though. This is astonishing behaviour for an adult. Also very unattractive in a partner. He needs to grow up. If he has an issue - discuss it properly.

Thank you. I missed that post.

It doesn’t even really make sense in that context.

I can see why it came across as a dig

buying flowers isn’t a sign someone cares. Not always. In public it could be just someone who likes to be performative. Or could be an apology bunch of flowers.

She was a bridesmaid. She was on her way to have her photo taken.

I agree with PP. Carrying flowers is a small thing that you know nothing about. It could be that she was done with them and he wanted to give them to his mum or something so took them. It seems a very small thing to make a comment on and it seems OTT to attach a value to it (as in, you could think it was a nice thing for him to do, but doing one nice thing is quite far from being a caring boyfriend- he could have smacked her across the head with the flowers when they got outside). So to comment on the caring boyfriend does seem OTT

However unless this happens all the time, it seems completely OTT for your husband to storm out the restaurant and to refuse to speak to you for an entire day, even if you did mean it passively aggressively. His reaction is like you told him you wished you'd never married him or something.

It's a reach to comment that a stranger is a caring boyfriend because he's carrying some flowers/giving flowers. You have no idea.

It does come across passive-aggressively and would annoy the hell out of me if done repeatedly. Your husband is OTT in his reaction, though. Either try counselling or realise that you're no longer compatible.

This was also my impression. I just can’t think why anybody would need to comment on who is carrying flowers between another couple. So yes there is every chance he would see this as a comment directed at him, especially if you are always doing this.

To be honest this sounds like something someone passive aggressive would say, with the intention of having a dig….but then able to claim they weren’t having a dig at all.

buying flowers isn’t a sign someone cares. Not always. In public it could be just someone who likes to be performative. Or could be an apology bunch of flowers.

You attached thoughts and feelings and assumptions to someone else. Which happen to match what you feel is missing in your marriage.

In context of a struggling marriage, not just the evening I can see how this would be a dig. Or even not a dig but perceived as one.

Sulking is childish. But I woken imagine it’s frustrating when someone has a dig, the pretends they didn’t and that you are the problem. I could’ve arsed talking either.

I would suggest, maybe, counselling for you both. It may help your communication.

As op said above, if you had trousers on and he talked about how nice the women at the next table wore a dress for her boyfriend and said that must means she cares as she made an effort, how would you have taken it?

If there was a comparative element to your comment and you were passive aggressively trying to make a point, then that was wrong, especially on a date night

Only you know what you were doing, so there's no point in second-guessing you

However the fact that your husband needs a day to recover and is giving you the silent treatment, rather than taking the subsequent conversation on the chin and being up for change - would give me the total ick

I could never be with a man like this

When we first got together my husband would often storm out of an argument or discussion he didn't like. I called it flouncing. I told him early on that it is the height of rudeness and that he should be able to remain in the room like an adult or at least tell me why he's leaving. Did your husband leave you in the restaurant alone and walk out? He's got issues and needs a taste of his own medicine. My husband stopped that behaviour when asked. We've been together 17 years, and I couldn't ask for a better husband

If I said “oh that woman looks so elegant and beautiful in a dress, dresses are so feminine” about another woman to my wife who wears jeans and never dresses, I would expect her to be upset.

Maybe don’t be doing things like that, because the unsaid part is always perceived as “I wish you were different” and that hurts like fuck.

I think YABU because by your own admission in your OP, you are comparing him to other men.

It’s impossible to say which of you is unreasonable- as a pp said, tone and context are everything in these situations. I honestly suspect, as is the case in quite a lot of disagreements, that you are both somewhat in the wrong. It does sound like the kind of comment that could be said pointedly in a passive aggressive way and probably not the most tactful thing to say on a date night, especially if he already knows your feelings regarding your perception of his lack of empathy. It may be that he is thin skinned and over-reacting, or that he is twisting what you said a bit.

I think I would think what you’d said was critical if said to me in the context you have given. I wouldn’t have stormed out, but i would have been hurt if my partner had chosen a date night to bring up something they are critical about me for, it’s not really the best time.

On the other hand, storming out of the restaurant and now refusing to talk to you today is not a good sign either. If he wants some space to think, that’s fine but he should agree a time to talk it over. Simply ignoring you is not right.

Openly comparing your partner to others is something I would find annoying and hurtful. Stop doing it, it is passive aggressive- whether you mean it to be or not- and is designed to antagonise and/or belittle (even if you aren’t doing it consciously). It is also highly unlikely to engender the change you are looking for.

Equally, on his part if he is actually not upset with you but just twisting what you say to get you off balance, then I can see that that is leaving you second guessing and confused, which is no way to feel in a relationship.

Is it possible that your need for more empathy and compassion are simply not realistic, or at least not from him? I had an ex-partner who needed, from my perspective, quite a lot of emotional support/handholding and it felt like whatever I did was never quite enough/quite right. It was really hard feeling like your partner thinks you just aren’t trying hard enough, didn’t care about them or are being unsupportive when you are trying to be. He felt I was not emotionally available/empathetic as he needed, that I was shutting him out and not supporting him, and sometimes that it seemed like I didn’t care. It was exhausting for both of us. At the time I thought he was overly “needy” and quite hard work, a bit OTT. I;m sure he would characterise me as not especially emotionally open. With hindsight, and some maturing, I realise that neither of us was “bad/wrong” we just were too different in our needs/ways of showing emotional support for us to be able to be in a relationship.

Honestly, this could be one of those situations where two people are simply not compatible as you cannot meet each other’s needs without anyone actually being solely “at fault”.

I think op you have some simmering resentments towards your dh, which means your comments sound loaded. You admit that you told him and think he’s not meeting your emotional needs. These feelings can emanate consciously or subconsciously in comments.
I agree with pp the comment about the kind man and the flowers is odd and seems a reach.
Add in drink and it supposedly being a special date night adds to sensitivities
i don’t agree with his reaction though and hate a sulker ( grow up!)
you needs to both sit down like adults and discuss

He sounds like an over sensitive manchild, couldn't put up with that

Tone is everything. If I said this to DH (we actually have on ongoing joke about men carrying things) it would be nowt.

However I can think of another couple I know where the wife would totally say this as a dig “look how caring her dh is” (usually said in a sing song type of voice).

If you’re often passing comments like “oh look how that man is so nice to his wife” yeah I get it would be a bit draining

On the other hand, as others have said - some people just grab onto something to have a row. Either way - storming out is an over reaction and embarrassing for you.

At the crux of the matter, he isn't emotionally supportive and knows it so he sees everything you say as a personal slight. Which in all aspects you may well be noticing these things because he isn't emotionally supportive so will spot them when you see them.

But then he goes on to give you the silent treatment, a known tactic of abusers.

So all in, yes you might be passive aggressive in pointing it out, but if it hits a nerve and is true, and he responds with more abusive tactics, where does this leave you? Walking on Eggshells I suspect.

Is he taking a time out, or is he ignoring you? If he’s ignoring you, giving the silent treatment to your partner is abusive, toxic and unhealthy. He’s calling you passive aggressive, but his behavior is manipulative.

Ah so the comment was he's nice because he's carrying something for her, not that he'd bought her flowers which I initially took from the op. it was nice of the boyfriend to be carrying the bunch of flowers that the woman had. I said was a caring boyfriend.
I can see how that's PA "look how Nice and caring he is. He's carrying her thing, you don't do that for me"?

I don't see why a man carrying a wedding prop makes him a caring boyfriend.

I would probably see this as a criticism that he wasn't caring if I was your husband because it's such a reach.

If you are consistently praising others whilst only criticising your boyfriend then it will absolutely come across as passive aggressive comparison.

What puzzles me is coming to the conclusion that someone is caring because they are carrying their girlfriend's flowers: it strikes me as a superficial thing.

When you say you don't feel your boyfriend meets your emotional needs what would you like him to be doing differently, and what words have you used to tell him this?

I agree with the comment by pp about how people can twist things. It is hard to explain how the smallest remark can make someone switch from ok to sulk mode, then turn it round as if they are the wounded person somehow. It’s hard to explain but very difficult and confusing.

I lived with someone who centred themselves in everything I said or did and it was exhausting. I could never just make a throwaway comment or muse out loud without it being some kind of attack and any thoughtlessness or absentmindedness was always assumed to have malicious intent. It made me second guess myself constantly and was no fun. If this is you situation, then I massively sympath8se as it's so hard to be yourself around someone who always thinks the worst of you.