DH reaction

You admit that your relationship is not rock solid so I can see why the positive comments you make about other men can seem like passive aggressive digs to your DH. However, it also seems that both of you don't have the best communication (eg "You always..." rather than "I feel X when you do Y") and could benefit from working on that.

In this situation in pretty sure my dh would respond with “yes, looks like the early stages of a relationship” and I’d add “No, I think he’s had an affair and treated her badly so they make up flowers but he bought two bouquets and the other one is with the ow.”… on date nights we usually make up back stories for the couples around us. Sometimes really outlandish. I guess it really depends on the relationship but however it was intended, your dh has told you his perspective and you need to listen rather than be defensive if you’re going to move forward.

Tbh I would be pretty annoyed if I was on a date with my DH and he started saying how nice it was that another woman was doing X for her DH.
It would definitely sound like a dig.

If you thought it, there was absolutely no need to say it.

It sounds like you have these little digs at him a lot and it would get me down too.

However, it sounds like this relationship just isn’t working and you both need to talk to each other and decide whether you’re going to make it work or say enough is enough.

Having seen a lot of armchair diagnoses on MN, this has to be up there with wackiest ones. How do you arrive at this conclusion from a short OP which describes nothing of the sort.

I will admit that our relationship is not rock solid and I feel a lot of emotional needs are not met.

It definitely sounds like you were having a dig and I think this ^^ confirms it.

I wonder how the comments would go if it was the other way around and OP was saying it was her DH who kept comparing her to other women. I think your DH may have a point and that was the cherry on the cake as far as he was concerned.

Sounds like your communication is poor as a couple and there are clearly simmering resentments under the surface that are leading to what may well be innocent comments being interpreted as passive aggressive digs.

You either need to fully clear the air on this or get some support to try and help you communicate better.

Like the idea of writing out what your issues are to each other, giving each other time to read and digest and then coming together to discuss it - may take the heat out of the situation.

That’s also my take.

Have you considered counselling?

Would be interesting to hear his side of it, before dismissing him as a man child, man baby or any of the other insults. Sounds like it's the last straw for him. Wondering why?

Once you've both had a chance to take a break from the situation maybe write to each other how you honestly feel and go from there.

Often writing it out gives you a chance to unpick, and reflect rather than descend into a war of words. You never know you both might rip up before you hand it to each other and both apologise and learn from it to treat each other better so stuff like this doesn't build up out of proportion.

Be careful how you frame any comments on other people's relationships.

Someone I know quite well has a BIL who earns huge money. Properly huge money. She used to think she was just making conversation to her DH about the expensive lovely things that her sister's side of the family were up to. She no longer has a DH.

I think he’s probably right in that you do need to own it though? And I don’t actually think it’s a bad thing for you to now say “actually yeah, I can see that comment was a bit passive aggressive, I can see where you’re coming from etc”. Infact I think that would be an example of really good communication and a huge step in the right direction because the reality is you said it, you don’t regret what you said/it wasn’t untrue (in your mind), so why not own it? Relationships & the open/honest communication they require does mean that you sometimes have to say “actually yeah, I did that”. You don’t have to regret it or take it back, but as you’ve seen by the replies here, lots of people would have taken it the same way that your husband has.

Why not open that much neede dialogue by owning it, and then move forward from there. E.g. “yes I did do that, it wasn’t the time or place and for that I apologise. Can we have that chat now, as there are xyz I think we need to discuss”…

You were passive-aggressive and pointed. He massively overreacted with his childish hissy fit. You don't actually like each other, do you?

what concerns me is that his reaction indicates he is well aware of his 'shortcomings' as a husband. Why else would you take such offence at someone else/a stranger being complimented unless it touched a nerve that this is something you don't do but feel you should/your wife would like it?

Exactly. He knows full well how lacking he is, he doesn't care enough to do anything about it, but don't you dare remind him of it or he'll have a giant man baby tantrum.

Fuck that.

Life is too short to spend it with a giant man baby, and I think the only really he stormed out is because he knows exactly how shit he is at being in an adult relationship.

Run for your life.

I haven't RTFT but what concerns me is that his reaction indicates he is well aware of his 'shortcomings' as a husband. Why else would you take such offence at someone else/a stranger being complimented unless it touched a nerve that this is something you don't do but feel you should/your wife would like it?

If he's so aware of what you would appreciate, and that he isn't emotionally supportive or compassionate to you, then why doesn't he step up and fulfill those needs? No, instead he lashes out at you and gives you the silent treatment.

I don't think it sounds like you like each other very much any more, which in my experience is a lost cause.

Another one here wondering why you had to say anything about it at all. It seems such an odd thing to point out even without the overarching circumstances.

If, in what is by your own admission a less-than-rock-solid relationship, you comment positively even once on other men's behaviour then you run the risk of him joining the dots in his head. Rightly or wrongly.

His reaction sounds OTT but he's not around to tell us how he feels about either what you said or the state of your relationship overall. You could have just kept it to yourself; you're not blameless here.

How you communicate is one of the indicators as to whether your relationship will last with about a 90% accuracy. Silent treatment is classed as a relationship killer, it is abusive because it is an attempt to train someone never to do anything that upsets the sulker. It is also an awful example he is setting to his children about relationships.

Do you point out the nice things that your Dh does? Do you look for those? I would tell him that you want to talk to him about moving forward and you will not be talking about what happened yesterday. But I would tell him that he needs to think about what it is he wants from you and that you will think what you need from him and you will come together later to talk about it.

You need to be explicit, tell him what you need, this all about positives. Acknowledge what he does that you love, then ask for some more things. I would tell him how much you want to make this marriage work and that you love him. You need to tell him that it is rude to storm out of a room/restaurant etc that you can disagree but it doesn't then come with some sort of punishment. I am sure he doesn't do that at work.

It is all about phrasing, I would like it if you can stay in the room even when we disagree about something rather than don't do X,Y,Z.

I think the comment would have been fine if your relationship was in a good place, but it sounds like it isn't. A person is more likely to take offence if their SO compliments a characteristic in another person of the opposite sex if it is a characteristic their SO has told them they are lacking. So if you have told your DH that he can be thoughtless and then you compliment someone for being thoughtful then it will feel like you're being passive aggressive.

I have to agree with other posters in that I would have taken this as a bit passive aggressive and nit picking from you. Especially as you then ended the conversation by saying you needed him to be more emotionally supportive & compassionate, so that sort of confirms that your initial comment wasn’t random or a throwaway comment, it was a dig at the bigger issues you have in your marriage. So you are the one that brought that up during date night, not him.

I think it’s fair enough to maybe both take some breathing space today alone and then try and have a proper conversation about it at some point.

Your relationship doesn’t sound healthy.

You should be able to make remarks about others to your dh without causing offence.
Unless offence was intended ( passive / aggressive), in which case, why ?
For him to feel defensive and take offence shows that all is not well in your relationship.
I can see both sides. However in a solid relationship this would not have arisen.

Something is lacking.

Sulking and silent treatment are red flags too.

I think he was certainly overeating by storming out. At the same time, it really does sound like you were trying to make a point to him. I really can't imagine a occasion where I'd see two complete strangers and start telling DH what a caring boyfriend the bloke was.
If DH randomly told me that some woman he saw in a restaurant looked like a lovely, caring partner I'd either think he fancied her or was comparing her to me. I wouldn't storm out but it would piss me off a bit on a date night

You can't go through the rest of your life refraining from saying anything positive about anyone who is male for fear that your husband will take it as a dig at him. You need to tell him to grow up, and also point out that storming out and sulking are things he should have go over by the age of 15.

As I was reading your post I thought passive aggressive before I even read the comments. As in you said it as a dig to him.

But he sounds like a big baby, who storms out of a restaurant ffs.