Is this an "able-ist slur" ?

I'm not 100% sure what an ableist slur would be or even if it's wrong. If you saying you're sick and tired of taking up the slack that seems a reasonable reaction. I think the problem is his struggles are non quantifiable. If a partner had ME would it be OK to say you're sick and tired of them always wanting to rest?
I guess it is a stab at his disability ie his lack of executive function however the question should be is that OK. I think on this occasion is was perfectly reasonable to snap and perfectly reasonable for him to be defensive and hurt. Long term you need to decide as a couple if you are compatible. That depends to a large extent on how you manage conflict.
Suggest that maybe HE is being ableist by expecting you to always be in control your emotions when his behaviour is causing you mental ill health! You need to agree how this occurances will be handled (coz they'll happen again) rather together, or separately.

YANBU I have ADHD and that means having to manage and adapt to life not just opting out.

No book recommendations but a couple of tips from a spouse and mum…

You can’t reach the end point of him reliably pulling his weight without going through some pain as strategies are implemented. So buckle up. Beware of losing attraction to him- mothering a man is a killer to your sex drive. Warn him of that.

When planning together, and he agrees he will do something, ask what strategy he’ll use to remind him- google calendar or alarm? Post it more on his phone? Whatever works. But build in ‘how will you remember’ to the process.

Ask him what ADHD resources/support groups he’s using, so you can get on board (shifts the responsibility to him while you are still being supportive).

Google calendars are great- multiple colours and options. Ask him to set up a family one so you can all coordinate together.

Lastly, there will be times when he is genuinely, remarkably, clueless and catches you out. Try and find the humour. Things like ‘checking if the cake is done’, and then walking away without taking said cooked cake out of the oven or turning the oven off are a thing. It happens.

As someone with ADHD, I really dislike that the narrative is around how everyone else needs to support and accommodate the person with ADHD in a one-way manner. It feels like advice for parents extended to partners.

It’s not fair to the people around us. And we are not children - our partners should not have to become our mothers and take on the burden of everything for us.

This helps no one. Yes, some empathy about why things are hard goes a long way. As does understanding that I am at least as frustrated with myself as anyone else might be.

I think better advice would be around setting fair and reasonable expectations for everyone. Those of us with ADHD do have to take responsibility for working around our issues with executive function. Many of us do it at work and it is not fair to go home and take the piss with the people we love in the basis that we are ‘unmasking’.

Unmasking does not mean weaponising our incompetence. It does not mean expecting everyone else to do everything and just put up with all the problems we cause. It means being open about our challenges and issues and working with the people around us to mitigate the effects of things - it’s taking responsibility and figuring out how to all live together so that everyone is ok.

A burnt out, overwhelmed partner always having to pick up the slack is not ok. And isn’t actually a partner - presumably they’ll start to recognise this and decide their life would be much easier without an adult to have to look after, especially one who creates so much extra work for them.

I’ve drawn a blank on that front. I’m very aware overfunctioning to support my partner has an impact on my own physical and mental health so i do try to have strong boundaries but even that uses a lot of energy and makes my life harder. I make sure i have a lot of breaks away alone, its the only way u can be “off duty” and recharge.

This and I say this as someone with ADHD. There is nothing stopping him writing it down is there?- that's what I do. He sounds lazy and like he's using this as an excuse for you to pick up the slack

No it's not ableist. I have ADHD and other disabilities.

Did he actually say abelist slur? I suspect not. You did call him out though on his lack of executive function though....and it's OK to express your frustration sometimes. If say you had mobility problems or needed to stay close to a toilet, you might not really like going out. I'd consider it OK for your OH to say one day....oh but you promised we'd go out tonight. You just had to pace yourself/be careful what you ate, then you'd probably be hurt and either sad or angry. It's unreasonable to expect someone to blindly accept everything and I'd hope that within the confines of a good marriage you should be able to let off steam sometime.
BTW, don't assume hecalways expects you to pick up the slack. Maybe he doesn't. Next time something similar occurs (and it will) just sigh and say Ah well, no beer tonight. You might find you can let it go more often than you realised. Only give if you're doing it will good grace. You're not his carer.

following for ideas :-)

I don’t think that’s ableist. I have a physical disability (so slight difference) but my partner has complained about me asking for help doing stuff before and it’s been totally valid. For example, sometimes I’ll organise my day badly and then at 9pm, I ask him to help me into the bath. Sounds easy but after helping me in the bath and to do my hair after etc, he ends up going to bed later than he wanted so he will get annoyed! He doesn’t usually refuse (altho he will only brush my hair and plait it if I do this, nothing fancier like straightening)!

The fact is, I could set an alarm to remind myself or have discussed with him when a good time would be. There’s loads of examples of things like this. He’s able bodied and NT and I can think of times his inconvenienced me! It’s part of every relationship and each person should ensure they do their best not to inconvenience the other (to the best extent that they can)… he isn’t even trying to do that?

Nope, he is wrong.

Everyone forgets things & it could be part of his issue, so he needs to find work arounds. As a disabled woman my whole life involves work arounds.

If his focus is that bad, he should set alarms on his phone.

People who use their health as an excuse bother me. He should take some responsibility for his health & being part of a family.

Hi OP, another vote for you definitely NOT being unreasonable.

I also have ADHD. In fact, I'm currently on 18mg over the maximum recommended dose (being closely monitored by my prescriber). So I'd say I have it pretty extreme.

And while ADHD definitely does cause executive dysfunction and can make tasks more difficult to achieve... what your husband is doing is using ADHD as weponised incompetence.

I acknowledge that everyone experiences symptoms differently but id like to point out the a HUGE symptom of ADHD is not being able to forget. It's knowing you have this task to do. It's thinking about the task, it's hyperfixating on this task and feeling anxious and guilty about doing it, but being so overwhelmed that you physically can not do this task. But you don't forget about it. You're not having a nice little rest and it goes to the back of your mind, you're literally stressing about this task.

DH is an adult. He could have spoken to you about the dysfunction about the beer instead of just not doing it.

If it was ADHD, He could have set reminders, delegated to a friend/guest, used his big boy words and communicated to you that he was struggling with completing the beer task...

It was weponised incompetence. And you're not abelist. Infact, DH is giving us ADHDers a bad name!

@SALWARP2023

I don't think 🤔 you have read @WelcomeToMonkeyTown Op thread here properly,

He expects her to run 🏃‍♀️ around after him constantly like she is unpaid maid,

He can't rember things it's like he has premature Dementia,

She has multiple times on loop repeatedly ask him things to do this or that and then he forgets,
She has to think for him

He sounds like hard work emotionally extremely draining 😳

'Leave the poor bloke alone'?! Seriously ??

I deal with this all the time, it drives me nuts, i am also ND and physically disabled but my DH will let things slip just long enough that i will have to pick them up, then says i’m petty if i refuse. Its easy enough to say (esp in this beer/party example) that they should face the natural consequences, but in many scenarios its me, my kids or other people i care about who end up dealing with the consequences so it WOULD be a dick move to not step in. Essentially in the early days you want to help and support and it’s genuinely no hassle to pick up the beer last minute, but then kids, work, etc responsibilities pile on and its just too much. You have my sympathies OP, i wish i had an answer.

Talk about missing the point.

Are you the husband here?

Theres absolutely no indication that the OP has imposed this party on her husband. He is a grown up and can contribute something to organising the party he is hosting.

This is a grown man with a job. Not a child. There’s no ‘leave the poor bloke alone’ here. Instead there is a lot of ‘the lazy bloke needs to pull his weight’.

This isn’t an ADHD issue. It’s a patriarchal bullshit and men getting away with contributing nothing issue.

Mind you a morning activity with the DCs on party day, I can't see why you couldnt just relax until party prep time instead of having a full-on morning. Maybe you need to drop some things too, as an aid with stress relief

OP I'm in the exact same situation.

For Xmas I left 2 things to DH. One was one present he had to buy and the other was sorting out the oven for Xmas dinner.

While he did sort the present out (while I sat there watching him do it), he never sorted the oven out. On Xmas eve I had to call his dad to come round and sort the part of it I couldn't do while I deep cleaned it. I was furious with him but he just shrugged it off with "well it's sorted now isn't it".
The reason he couldn't do it on Xmas eve was because he was present shopping as he hadn't done that yet. He always blames his ADHD.

⬆️

Abelist slur, my wobbly ass

He didnt forget to ask you to pick up the beer on the way back though, did he? Funny, that.

Hes taking the P. Tell him he can cope at work so, cope at home. He can work through strategies. I dont know how you cope with the mental load of someone who doesnt want to help themself because 'oh she'll do it'. I could not and would not. I do feel sorry for the poster (on this thread I think) who's in similar situation due to husband's ADHD, but he's not on meds - she is, due to the stress of it all.

You need to step back and take care of your own physical and emotional health. He will cope if he has to. Have a talk with him - direct to the point and not a long drawn out conversation. Then he can take it from there can't he

I'm idly wondering how many women would get away with ADHD which somehow means their partner has to think of, plan and do everything because, you know.. ADHD