Advice for husband moving out please

In terms of the meeting with his parents I'd be worried it might be 3 against 1, pushing you into something you aren't happy about. Do they currently provide regular childcare when you & Ex work? If so then I guess you do need to talk about that and if it would continue on days that would be 'yours' after you split. Otherwise it's between him and his parents if they agree for him to move in.

If you can keep it civil then 'nesting' might be a solution. Meaning kids keep bedrooms and stability and you & Ex are the ones that move in and out. It needs a lot of emotional intelligence on both sides though.

So either you find a flat and share that on rotation (tricky but possible), or if they agree, you each stay with your respective parents on the 'off' days. Ex's stepfather might be willing to do that, it may be having the (loud, messy) kids in his space he's not keen on rather than one working adult part time. Obviously you'd both need to contribute to the parental household bills for the 3-4 days a week you are each living with them, and pull weight on cooking/cleaning. If you think it would work, maybe that's something to suggest to Ex and see if he can propose that to his mum & SF.

I hope you work something out as simply as possible, even if that ends up with selling and paying the ERP's.

No further advice to add except that if his parents do turn up tomorrow wanting a chat, make sure you have someone there for you, to fight your corner. Don't be 'ganged up' on or bullied.

I'm finally at a place where I don't want him here

I think you would be justified in that attitude if you owned the house outright, but presuming it’s a joint mortgage, that obviously isn’t your decision to make. If I was him, I would also want to stay in my house with my kids until something was sorted.

I think engaging a solicitor and looking to sell the house and split the proceeds is the only way forward here.

You both need legal advice, you should have taken it before now. Financial settlements need to be fair regardless of what individuals are prepared to accept.

From what I have read it seems that the deal is that he still pays half the mortgage after moving out which will obviously limit the money he has for funding another place to stay. It also sounds like he has been led to believe by his mother that he has a place to stay but that his mother hasn't ensured that the step-dad is onboard. The reality is that it will be difficult to force him out and you'd be better off trying to be constructive in helping him find solutions to the issue that get him out of the house rather than being snarky and obstructive. Promises made months ago mean nothing here.

Exactly this.

It’s not as easy as just setting boundaries when it comes to living arrangements like this. That house is both of their homes, OP is actually just relying on his good grace to move out, if he doesn’t want to then he doesn’t have to. Hence why I do think there is a need for wider conversations hence, not necessarily with his parents but definitely between the two of them.

I'd be very firm on what you want, what your boundaries are NOW

If she decides she wants him to go, but his plan of moving rent-free into his mum’s house isn’t an option and he can’t afford to rent, he will have to stay in his/OP’s joint house-no matter what her ‘boundaries’ are. It’s as much his house as hers.

I'm unsure why you would be part of the conversation, if I'm honest. It is up to him where he lives and if that's at his parents house, that conversation should be between the 3 of them.

Only you know what you are comfortable with in regards to when each of yiu have the children and who pays for what
But it doesn't spund like you are going to be splitting everything (payments/childcare and costs) 50/50? If that is the way you like it, continue on. If not, you two need to have an in-frpth conversation about what this split entails, especially if you are going back to work FT (i.e, he takes the kids more than 2 nights a week and pays half the bills).

Also, if the plan was for him to move put this week, he'd better get on it, Covid or no. He should have planned better/more advance. I'd be very firm on what you want, what your boundaries are NOW so that you aren't taken advantage of anymore.

Seeing a solicitor may seem like an expense now - but trust me going through a divorce with legal advice can save you thousands in the long run.
All solicitors will offer a free 30 min consultation and if you're both amicable there's no reason for sols fees to escalate hugely.

As i'm sure you know accepting lower housing standards is part and parcel of getting divorced (i'm speaking from experience)

Speak to a mortgage advisor about how much you can afford to loan. Some mortgage lenders will accept benefits and maintenance payments as income so you may be able to borrow more than you think (but you will need someone to advise you on your specific circumstances).
Also consider all your assets incl pensions when you're working out if you can buy out your ex. I know that you can opt to let him keep his whole pension in place of more equity in the house (only if he agrees Obvs) Everything is worth considering but you need professional advice to steer you tot he right solution for you.
You can also arrange for your ex to stay on the mortgage as a guarantor until the children are independent - then sell the house much later and divide assets then. This is a very long term plan and wont suit many but could be worth considering.

Good Luck.

He’s trying to be generous, probably as he’s the one wants to quit (is there someone else?), but he’s basing it on his parents who don’t want to do it. He’s basically being generous at their expense, which isn’t on. I think you might need to think of other solutions op. Not least because when the guilt wears off him he will likely start pushing to sell anyway.

It sounds like the whole plan of you being ready to start ‘fresh’ after Christmas hinged on him moving in with people this week, one of whom had no idea this was even happening! I’m not surprised the step dad is pissed off. Was your husband planning on living there rent-free whilst having the two kids piling in there half the week as well?

I don’t think ever really sounded like a good idea. I can see you’re disappointed, but I think there needs to be a plan giving you both a chance to start fresh. The couples I know in this situation (3) had to rent or buy flats and the children did have to share bedrooms. Not ideal but not illegal.

I know very few couples where they’ve been able to afford one moving out and renting. He may have agreed to do that because he was hoping to live with his parents, but will have to change his mind if they don’t want that.

I would imagine the house will have to be sold to enable both of you to house yourselves, especially if he’s going to be having the kids 50/50. If that can’t happen yet as he can’t live with his parents and he can’t afford to rent, then you’ll have to continue the current arrangement till it can.

You can’t force him out if his name is on the mortgage despite what he/you might have said previously

Have you spoken to a family solicitor and a couple of mortgage brokers? Your scenario isn't exactly unusual, so there may be a solution.

Also post in Legal Matters here for advice.

I think this is the best idea, I think it’s called bird nesting? Or something like that, so until 2026 you basically “share” the home. You both pay towards the house and you both pay towards a second place close by, and whoever has the kids stays in the house at that time. It’s really common especially nowadays with housing being so expensive, and prevents the “you have to leave”- the reality is he could move back at any time if he’s still on the mortgage you can’t stop him and it’s not entirely fair for you to keep the house and benefit of your joint initial deposit, where he then has to save one himself for somewhere new. You either need to share until 2026, or you sell now and take the hit on fees then take away your 50% each to find new places.

Can you not still port the mortgage to a new property during the fixed period, but in your sole name? May be a charge to remove his name, but shouldn't have to pay an early redemption charge if porting to a new property? Then you can effectively buy him out of the current mortgage, move to a smaller house, and he will have a deposit for a smaller place?

If he is the one that wants to move out, and is happy for you to stay in the house and take over the mortgage payments until it’s sold it’s reasonable to expect him to sort alternative accommodation out. He needs to look at rentals.

This is correct.
If it's his house too he doesn't have to move.

Is there any chance of you sharing a studio so that the kids always stay at home until you sell the house? That's what we did and it worked out well - but my kids were very young at the time and the separation was amicable / respectful. It meant that whoever had the kids stayed at home and the other had the studio which was only a couple of streets away.
Whatever is best for your kids is the most important thing. Good luck!

If your STBXH has chosen to leave the house - then it's up to him to organise his future accommodation.
I can understand why you want to keep the existing mortgage - but bear in mind that for the next two years the house will remain legally joint owned and as such he can move back in at any point (even if you are paying the whole mortgage). Therefore I would consider biting the bullet and paying any early redemption fees to get the mortgage fully in your name now (and buy husband out so he can start looking for his own place). Might be worth a discussion with your mortgage lender as they may be lenient in the case of a divorce.
You're trying to be nice to your ex and in-laws by keeping things open between you all BUT - they are HIS family and i think you risk being railroaded into agreeing something you don't want if they all gang up on you.
By all means keep the in-laws informed but any discussions should be strictly between the two of you.

I will be paying for everything assume you mean mortgage and bills on the marital home?

Are you in separate bedrooms now?

If he's agreed to move out then he needs to sort out where, and have the kids there or take them out somewhere.

2 nights a week plus every other weekend is nearly 50/50 so why is he the one moving out? Yous both need your own places or keep the family home for the children and each move out to family or whatever when you don’t have them.
His parents are not being unreasonable. Why would they take in a grown man 100% and his children 50%? That’s surely nothing more than a short term solution. It’s up to him to sort his living situation for sure, but they maybe want to include you because they see their son may be getting the short end of the stick and they are the ones going to pay for it just so you aren’t inconvenienced. They probably want to make sure that this is a you and dh issue to solve, not theirs.