Page 5 | Xmas aggro

AlisonDonut · 29/12/2023 08:23

OP you are in a mire of disfunctional relationships. You can't unpick all this yourself, but I'd start with asking if your partner is your husband, if you own or rent your house and is he the father of your kids?

AlisonDonut · 29/12/2023 08:21

itsgettingweird · 29/12/2023 08:19

Depends where you are!

Ive has the windows open this past few days and the heating hasn't even kicked in (or I'd shut them!) and house is a comfy 19° inside.

So refusing to put heating on might be refusing to have a hot house?!

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Her daughter's toes turn blue so no, it isn't that.

Original poster

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 08:20

Whataretheodds · 29/12/2023 08:12

Do you and your DP not have shared finances? Uou said YOU are hard up.

You should definitely have asked her for a financial contribution (petrol, food) .

You need to switch the heating on.

We have a joint account - I put X amount in and he puts X amount in every month, the rest is our own.

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · 29/12/2023 08:19

LonelynSad · 29/12/2023 06:17

Hang on, your partner is refusing to put heating on? That's not ok..

Depends where you are!

Ive has the windows open this past few days and the heating hasn't even kicked in (or I'd shut them!) and house is a comfy 19° inside.

So refusing to put heating on might be refusing to have a hot house?!

Original poster

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 08:18

pickledandpuzzled · 29/12/2023 08:15

Bless you OP, I know exactly how you feel. DM comes here. It’s a big undertaking, everything is planned around her. Travel, timings, what we do. We are desperate to watch the dr who special and a couple of other things but there’s no point- she’ll snore or talk through it, grumble about ‘made up imagination nonsense’, an wants to talk or snore through variety shows instead.

again, wants the best of everything but no financial contribution.

How is she with your DB? Does he deserve a medal for living with her, or does it actually suit them both very well?

A bit of both, a medal for living with her but it comes very cheap, the last I heard he gives her £15 a week👌

OP posts:

pickledandpuzzled · 29/12/2023 08:15

Bless you OP, I know exactly how you feel. DM comes here. It’s a big undertaking, everything is planned around her. Travel, timings, what we do. We are desperate to watch the dr who special and a couple of other things but there’s no point- she’ll snore or talk through it, grumble about ‘made up imagination nonsense’, an wants to talk or snore through variety shows instead.

again, wants the best of everything but no financial contribution.

How is she with your DB? Does he deserve a medal for living with her, or does it actually suit them both very well?

Original poster

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 08:14

Supertayto · 29/12/2023 07:58

OP, he does not have you over a barrel. You contribute financially to the household, live there, are his wife, are the mother of his children, are another human being. Turn the heating on and tell him to stop being a [insert expletive of choice].

He does have me over a barrel as he earns more so he pays more towards bills. My 12 year old daughters toes go blue and itch (doctor gives me cream) but it's obviously to do with the cold, he knows this but tells her to put socks on with her slippers. He's just like his own control freak father who would buy a brand new car every 3 years but let his son stink as noone bought him a can of deodorant🤦

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 29/12/2023 08:12

Do you and your DP not have shared finances? Uou said YOU are hard up.

You should definitely have asked her for a financial contribution (petrol, food) .

You need to switch the heating on.

Whataretheodds · 29/12/2023 08:06

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:06

Good idea although the grief I'll get will be enormous

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More or less than the grief you get if you host her/cook at hers? Drop the chain, let your brother sort it out.

I like the way this poster put it:
I would tell her calmly that you have heard about what she said and sorry it felt that way for her. But not to worry- your family have decided to go away for Christmas next year so she should make plans with your brother instead

How can she possibly give you grief when you're taking her fedback on board? If she mentions it just smile sweetly and remind her she didn't want to do it again.

Original poster

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 08:05

Nicole1111 · 29/12/2023 07:57

It’s very concerning that you live in a house with children and it’s cold enough for your friend to comment on it being freezing. Not allowing you to heat your home is abusive. Has your partner always been so controlling? How on Earth can he justify that decision? What happens if you just put the heating on?

He'd just say how unbearably hot he is and turn it off. He justifies it by saying about the rise in energy costs🤷🏼

OP posts:

Howbizzare22 · 29/12/2023 08:03

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:10

That's a good idea too, but then I'll get grief how she had to spend Xmas night on her own. Sorry if I'm sounding negative but if you knew her well you'd know why I do.

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So let her moan. Water off a ducks back. Perhaps her kids both going away from her for Xmas will give her a wake up call & help ger self reflect . Well I suspect not she sounds like a narcissist. You can still be civil though whilst firmly protecting yourself from her BS.

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 08:02

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:06

Good idea although the grief I'll get will be enormous

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it sounds horrible, OP, i sympathise.

But you have to decide what is worse, getting the grief about not doing it again or doing it again. If she and your DH always rub each other up the wrong way, it's predestined to happen, especially at Christmas. So in your shoes I'd get it over with now and say that you are doing Christmas at home with only your DH and DCs for company. Remind them in summer, and again closer to Christmas.

Regarding financial contributions: have you ever actually asked? IME some people rarely offer, but if asked they're happy to contribute. Others not so much. I wouldn't use this as a reason for not doing christmas with your mum, unless really really pressed. Just say you want to focus on a relaxing time for all, and that includes your mum, which means it's better to celebrate separately. And maybe a call or video call on the day?

ehb102 · 29/12/2023 08:01

If someone is going to be miserable, make sure it's not you.

MassageForLife · 29/12/2023 07:59

There's a recent thread about someone having to spend Christmas in their own home with people they don't get on with - and pretty much everyone was saying cancel the invitation (but they wouldn't).

I am with your mother here, honestly. I wouldn't want someone I don't get on with to come and spend Christmas Day with me in my home.

I think it's good that you've heard what she has been saying. Now you can have a conversation - tell her that you are sorry she felt that way. That obviously you are going to spend Christmas with your partner, so would she rather you didn't spend Christmas together next year?

Supertayto · 29/12/2023 07:58

OP, he does not have you over a barrel. You contribute financially to the household, live there, are his wife, are the mother of his children, are another human being. Turn the heating on and tell him to stop being a [insert expletive of choice].

Nicole1111 · 29/12/2023 07:57

It’s very concerning that you live in a house with children and it’s cold enough for your friend to comment on it being freezing. Not allowing you to heat your home is abusive. Has your partner always been so controlling? How on Earth can he justify that decision? What happens if you just put the heating on?

Original poster

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 07:47

MoleseyMom · 29/12/2023 07:40

Could you see her on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day instead, just for the day? Then you get Xmas day with your own family. She sounds a challenge but I understand the feeling of responsibility and not wanting to leave her on her own.

It's possible but it still won't be good enough. Also, I work in a supermarket so don't know what my days will be next year, I got lucky this year but maybe not next year, putting my hols in on the 1st!👌

OP posts:

MoleseyMom · 29/12/2023 07:40

Could you see her on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day instead, just for the day? Then you get Xmas day with your own family. She sounds a challenge but I understand the feeling of responsibility and not wanting to leave her on her own.

Original poster

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 07:28

Greenpolkadot · 29/12/2023 07:12

Whos told you that she said this as youv no other family and your dB is away ?
Maybe they'd like to look after her instead next year

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My friend told me, who ironically did look after her last year with myself and won't be doing it again.

OP posts:

Ifeelsolow247 · 29/12/2023 07:23

I agree with maybe it would be a good idea to go out for Christmas lunch next year.
Less pressure on all of you then.
It might also calm the atmosphere.

Newchapterbeckons · 29/12/2023 07:16

So next year - you stay at home.
DM can stay with you or at a nearby hotel. Dp can collect her and you can drop her home on Boxing Day. Dp can go out for a walk or play with dc.

Conpromise with one hour only of soaps. Or give her a lap top and headphones. Go out for Christmas lunch so the work is minimal..

Greenpolkadot · 29/12/2023 07:12

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 05:39

gggg😩my 81 year year old mum is impossible to please, nothings ever good enough. On Xmas day myself, dp,ds and DD travelled there and spent the day, stayed over and left boxing day late morning. Unfortunately she and my dp do not get on, so there were some testy moments but no arguments. I've now heard through the grapevine that's she's said she's not doing that again and felt like a stranger in her own home. Bear in mind that I paid for the food, took it there and cooked it and that this crap happens every year with her and my db🙄 swans off🙂on holiday every Xmas leaving me to it. I feel like I have to do this as she has no other family but when I hear she's saying these things I really couldn't care less anymore. Sorry about random emojis, I'm having problems typing and I can only do it if I put in an emoji first.

Whos told you that she said this as youv no other family and your dB is away ?
Maybe they'd like to look after her instead next year

Unicorntastic · 29/12/2023 07:12

Start doing what you want, not what your DM or DP want. Your DM can get a taxi to yours or see her for less time and your DP needs to put the heating on, especially with a child in the house!

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 07:11

Plan for no one to stay over.
Your db will be away always as he has to live with M all year.
Your mother will always goan. Tell her you heard she did not wish to have Xmas again and give her options.
Give your mother a choice of..
..having Xmas by herself or going out by herself
..eating out at a local restauant with you and your family
..having you arrive on Xmas Day and cooking and leaving
..being picked up on Xmas Day by you and having Xmas with you all then being driven home by you while Dh cleans up

Remind all of the choice committed to from time to time and you will need to turn on the heating for a few days.. and save extra for fuel in the Xmas budget.

AGoingConcern · 29/12/2023 07:09

Is your mother cognitively impaired?

Unless she's incapable of controlling her words or behavior, you absolutely do not need to be subjecting yourself or your family to her if she can't be pleasant and appreciative, especially on Christmas. She's a grown woman and accountable for her own actions and words.

Let her and your DB know that you'll be planning your family's Christmas at home (or on holiday or wherever) next year and why. Start setting and sticking to boundaries for other visits, calls, etc. For example, "I'm not going to stay if you continue to make comments about X" and then if she does it again you get up and leave right then (or hang up the phone).