Page 4 | Xmas aggro

Bluebirthdaycard · 2023-12-29T05:39:06+00:00

gggg😩my 81 year year old mum is impossible to please, nothings ever good enough. On Xmas day myself, dp,ds and DD travelled there and spent the day, stayed over and left boxing day late morning. Unfortunately she and my dp do not get on, so there were some testy moments but no arguments. I've now heard through the grapevine that's she's said she's not doing that again and felt like a stranger in her own home. Bear in mind that I paid for the food, took it there and cooked it and that this crap happens every year with her and my db🙄 swans off🙂on holiday every Xmas leaving me to it. I feel like I have to do this as she has no other family but when I hear she's saying these things I really couldn't care less anymore. Sorry about random emojis, I'm having problems typing and I can only do it if I put in an emoji first.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 29/12/2023 09:39

It sounds like your mum has been emotionally abusive to you and I suspect that it has made you susceptible to abuse from a partner too. If it’s affecting your daughter’s health why can’t you stand up to him? This is not vitriol towards you this is a genuine question about what type of life you want for you and your family.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 29/12/2023 09:37

OP, if you have children and you being part-time has helped with childcare, you have contributed just as equally to the household. Stop thinking you are lesser somehow. Can you maybe increase your hours and just put the bloody heating on? If you can’t because of children then that’s your answer. If he had to pay his share for childcare all these years he would have earned much less. Not having a go at you but it’s a shame to hear you talk like you’re hard up when you are part of a household. He’s taking the mick.

Your mum sounds a piece of work too. I’d say to her now that you heard what she said and you’re happy for you both to do your own thing next year, you’ll stay home. As you say she won’t be happy regardless. So just do what makes you happy next year.

Zonder · 29/12/2023 09:36

WingsofRain · 29/12/2023 09:09

Yes! All these comments about having to have heating are weird and judgemental - not everyone can afford heating, we don’t even have heating so couldn’t put it on if we wanted to.
We all manage just fine without it, and anyone who comes to visit has to manage too!

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It's not fine if her daughter has blue toes. Do you really not use any heating? Not even fires?

Zonder · 29/12/2023 09:35

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 09:02

I know, I do feel bad for her, I put the heating on when he's not there.

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Effectively you are choosing your partner over your daughter and her well-being.

Don't make excuses for him.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 09:25

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 09:17

Apart from the argument years ago which she still holds a grudge over or just bad chemistry I don't really know why she dislikes him so much. I don't speak to her about any private problems between myself and dp so it's not that, have no clue🤷🏼

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I would have thought that it was pretty obvious that he's controlling.

I wouldn't like him either

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 09:24

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 08:14

He does have me over a barrel as he earns more so he pays more towards bills. My 12 year old daughters toes go blue and itch (doctor gives me cream) but it's obviously to do with the cold, he knows this but tells her to put socks on with her slippers. He's just like his own control freak father who would buy a brand new car every 3 years but let his son stink as noone bought him a can of deodorant🤦

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Ever thought of leaving him?

Do you both own your house or do you rent?

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 09:22

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:25

I know. Had a crappy wood burner put in which just about heats the living room but nowhere else. As he works full time and I'm part time and earns more money, he's got me over a barrel. My friend came here yesterday and said it's freezing in here, how do you live like this?🤦

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He's got you over a barrel??

Does your mother have a point as to why they don't get on?

He's not your boss.

Turn the bloody heating on

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 29/12/2023 09:20

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 09:17

Apart from the argument years ago which she still holds a grudge over or just bad chemistry I don't really know why she dislikes him so much. I don't speak to her about any private problems between myself and dp so it's not that, have no clue🤷🏼

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You don't always have to specifically tell people your partner is a controlling dickhead. Often they can tell.

Original poster

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 09:17

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 29/12/2023 09:08

That's a disturbing set up, got you over a barrel cos he earns more? Does he earn more AND do all the childcare, housework, mental load while you just work a few hours or is he actually very controlling and selfish?

Could we be spotting why your DM doesn't like him?

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Apart from the argument years ago which she still holds a grudge over or just bad chemistry I don't really know why she dislikes him so much. I don't speak to her about any private problems between myself and dp so it's not that, have no clue🤷🏼

OP posts:

justasking111 · 29/12/2023 09:14

A few suggestions.

Get a ringtone that lets you know mums calling, preferably a funny one, maybe a witches cackle. And go grey rock on her. Ditto the brother. Speak to them when it suits you not them.

Get a heated throw for your daughter and heated slippers. I sometimes wear two pairs of socks under my slippers being a cold feet oddity.

Go to Ireland next Christmas and spend time with his Mam.

WingsofRain · 29/12/2023 09:09

ohdamnitjanet · 29/12/2023 06:49

I don’t put my heating on. Can’t afford to. It’s fine.

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Yes! All these comments about having to have heating are weird and judgemental - not everyone can afford heating, we don’t even have heating so couldn’t put it on if we wanted to.
We all manage just fine without it, and anyone who comes to visit has to manage too!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 29/12/2023 09:08

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:25

I know. Had a crappy wood burner put in which just about heats the living room but nowhere else. As he works full time and I'm part time and earns more money, he's got me over a barrel. My friend came here yesterday and said it's freezing in here, how do you live like this?🤦

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That's a disturbing set up, got you over a barrel cos he earns more? Does he earn more AND do all the childcare, housework, mental load while you just work a few hours or is he actually very controlling and selfish?

Could we be spotting why your DM doesn't like him?

Original poster

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 09:02

Ellie56 · 29/12/2023 08:55

You've got more problems at home than with your mother.

Your friend said it's freezing in your house and your daughter's toes go blue?

Your so called DP is a controlling abusive knob over the heating. I wouldn't put up with that.

Your poor child.

I know, I do feel bad for her, I put the heating on when he's not there.

OP posts:

ClairDeLaLune · 29/12/2023 09:01

Your controlling DP is a bigger problem than your mum. He’s got you over a barrel? This isn’t right in a relationship OP.

Original poster

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 08:58

pickledandpuzzled · 29/12/2023 08:32

So I’m reluctant to start on the DP situation.

You need to do a bit of work there, but it’s a separate conversation from the DM thing.

My DH deserves a medal for putting up with DM. When you’ve got Christmas resolved to your liking, have a think about how you can resolve things at home.

Back to Christmas, don’t bother raising it now. Warn your brother, maybe.

Say to your mum in November ish-
About Christmas- I know you don’t like us coming to you, or when you come to us, so we’ll do something a bit different this year. The kids and I will pop over for the afternoon, bringing you your Christmas dinner.

It’s not ideal but you’ll probably prefer it to the other plans. And- it won’t be many years! She’ll grumble whatever you do.

Does DP have a family you need to fit in as well?

Thank you for your comment, some good ideas, dps mum is also a widow but thankfully most years she goes to Ireland and spends it with her dd, so at least that's not a worry. DM and mil don't like each other either (surprise!). Mother's day with them sat opposite each other (bad move) was so full of awkwardness my bum was twitching!😬

OP posts:

Ellie56 · 29/12/2023 08:55

You've got more problems at home than with your mother.

Your friend said it's freezing in your house and your daughter's toes go blue?

Your so called DP is a controlling abusive knob over the heating. I wouldn't put up with that.

Your poor child.

Mikimoto · 29/12/2023 08:55

BA flights are already bookable for 16 Dec 2024 - just go ANYwhere. Or pre-book a (limited space) Cornish cottage. With central heating!

Avacardo2023 · 29/12/2023 08:48

There's no need to tell your mum now that you won't be doing next Christmas. She is 81 and frankly every Christmas is a bonus at that age so you don't need to create a year of bad feeling. Anyway she said she won't be doing it again next year so problem might be solved.

Can't you take the kids to see her instead of subjecting her to your DP (who sounds absolutely awful) for two days. Or just go for Christmas for a few hours and don't have a drink so you can drive home. You can drink when you get home.

Shoxfordian · 29/12/2023 08:48

There's a podcast you might find helpful called In Sight - exposing narcissism
Also therapy in the new year to extricate yourself from these toxic relationships

Zonder · 29/12/2023 08:46

Definitely just go for lunch. One of you can have a soft drink and drive home. You could be with her from maybe 11 til 4 and then go home.

You could even book Christmas lunch out so nobody has to cook in her house.

Kittylala · 29/12/2023 08:37

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:10

That's a good idea too, but then I'll get grief how she had to spend Xmas night on her own. Sorry if I'm sounding negative but if you knew her well you'd know why I do.

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So don't be a pushover. Just keep reminding her that she said she didn't want to do it again and you gave her a years notice.

pickledandpuzzled · 29/12/2023 08:33

Oops, cross posted

pickledandpuzzled · 29/12/2023 08:32

So I’m reluctant to start on the DP situation.

You need to do a bit of work there, but it’s a separate conversation from the DM thing.

My DH deserves a medal for putting up with DM. When you’ve got Christmas resolved to your liking, have a think about how you can resolve things at home.

Back to Christmas, don’t bother raising it now. Warn your brother, maybe.

Say to your mum in November ish-
About Christmas- I know you don’t like us coming to you, or when you come to us, so we’ll do something a bit different this year. The kids and I will pop over for the afternoon, bringing you your Christmas dinner.

It’s not ideal but you’ll probably prefer it to the other plans. And- it won’t be many years! She’ll grumble whatever you do.

Does DP have a family you need to fit in as well?

Original poster

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 08:32

AlisonDonut · 29/12/2023 08:23

OP you are in a mire of disfunctional relationships. You can't unpick all this yourself, but I'd start with asking if your partner is your husband, if you own or rent your house and is he the father of your kids?

I don't want to sound rude but I'd rather not answer this question as this isn't what the thread is about. I did start a thread regarding dps views on money, work, childcare etc a while back and some of the vitriol I received you'd think I was a serial killer, so I don't want to go down that road again. Thank you for your concern though!😊

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · 29/12/2023 08:24

Agree. I hadn't read that bit at the time. If it's freezing then no, it's not ok here gets to decide because he earns more.

My parents both had different views over the heating and I don't think that's uncommon. But it was never freezing. My dad just didn't feel the cold as much as us. We would put on socks and jumper. But it was never below 18°!