Xmas aggro

Yet another Aibu where op is an idiot/martyr/ attention seeker. Why bother.

OP I know you've said you've not come on to talk about your DH, but honestly I couldn't just ignore this.

He does not have you over a barrel because he earns more. Is that what he tells you? That's abuse. Plain and simple.

What would he do if you put the heating on when he was in the house? Reading between the lines it sounds like you are worried about what his reaction would be. This is not OK.

Your poor daughter suffering. What does he say about that? That it's causing her pain?

Honestly I'm so shocked that you just casually put the heating bit in there as if it was normal. It's not OP.

Wouldn't that be much worse?

I remember being 12 and having chilblains, it was horrible. The doctor gave my mum cream for me too. They still hurt every day. The difference being that it was 1960 and my mum didn't have the option of having a warm house. Remembering how miserable it was would make me fight for my child and would be a hill to die on

He'd just say how unbearably hot he is and turn it off. He justifies it by saying about the rise in energy costs🤷🏼

And you then say how unbearably cold you and your dd are and turn it back on again. I bet your GP would advise you to keep your house warm if they knew, rather than giving out cream for your dd's toes which isn't going to help if they're blue with cold.

My mum was like this. Nothing was ever good enough. She moaned about everything. In the end I came to accept that nothing I did would ever be right and just stopped trying.

I would tell your mum very calmly that your friend has told you what she said, and you are very hurt and very angry by her comments. But you agree totally with her wishes never to do that again. And from this year you will be having Christmas with your partner and children as a family. You will try and pop in over the festive period work rota permitting, but as she found this Christmas so hard she can sort herself out this year. DB can stock up her freezer before he goes on holiday…

She might be your mum but she chooses to behave like that, and actions have consequences.

This would be a dealbreaker for me

Yeah - I suspect we have a DH problem rather than a DM problem

Not at all. Just clearly not as straight forward as saying this is all on the Mum. My opinion is allowed isn't it?

OP I suspect your mother dislikes your H because they are birds of a feather.

Perhaps your new year's resolution should be to convince yourself that you deserve to have a happy life, and work out how to achieve it. Maybe some assertiveness classes or something.

Be the one who dictates how you live your life. Don't let the controlling bullies bring you down.

This! Is it his house, is he the only one paying the bills?

I see you are intent on twisting this around. The dm sounds like a nasty woman. Both her child feel obligated to her, one doesn't even want to spend Xmas with her and the other feels it's a miserable thing she has to do - do you think a good mother would have children like these ??
Op , I don't blame your dp one bit for having a go at her for what she did. I would have blasted someone who put my child in danger and found it funny. Confront her about what you heard and let her know it was just as miserable for you. Just because she's 81 and alone doesn't mean she can't hear the truth.

Stop trying to please anyone but yourself, then. It sounds as though your DM and your DP don't make any effort to please you.
Honestly, I would do as PPs suggest and announce now that you won't be either visiting or hosting your DM next year. You'll get a hard time whatever you do, so you may as well make yourself happy.

Sounds like your mum and partner don’t get along because they might as well be the same people with their controlling moaning tendencies.

Either way though you don’t have to go there for Christmas you just don’t. You also don’t let your daughter freeze to the extent are toes are blue for a man.

Your partner is abusing you and your child.

You are complicit in his abuse of your child whilst you allow his behaviour to continue.

You have unhealthy relationships left right and centre.

You are risking your daughter’s health and she will grow up wondering why you didn’t protect her.

You don’t want to discuss it or deal with it and that’s your choice, but you are in denial and ignoring it makes no difference to the dysfunction you are imposing on your child(ren).

Are you sure your Mum isn't feeling like this because of the cooking arrangements? No matter how well meaning, I would hate it if my daughter bought all the food for Christmas Day, and then took over my kitchen to cook it.

it would be helpful if you learned some self assertiveness. both your dp and dm are treating you very badly. I think you should look for external support, counselling or personal development classes, then figure out how to change things. No one has you over a barrel, you just think they do

Don't tiptoe around this - tell her what you've heard. Confront her with it calmly and ask her for an explanation (if she denies it, ask her why xyz would tell lies).

Next year, I think I'd have other plans at Christmas.

Nice lazy Christmas in a freezing cold house.

At least she's warm at her mum's!

@Bluebirthdaycard why the hell are you cowtowing to an unappreciative mother like that??? I would not be visiting for christmas or having her at mine. Your brother obviously feels like he does enough if he lives with her. I would leave her to stew on her own and have a lazy christmas with your partner and your children. your family also need a break from her at christmas! she might realise how awful she is to be around!

Reading your posts responding to suggestions, it seems absolutely nothing you could do would please her. Therefore I would forget it and just please yourself, dp and dc and do exactly what you want next year. Don’t let the guilt of failing to please a curmudgeonly woman ruin your life.

So his comfort comes above the comfort of your child? I can’t say i’m surprised if your mum (however challenging she is) doesn’t like him if that’s reflective of how he behaves. Have you shown him the guidance about how homes should be heated for children?

From what you've said you'd get grief whatever you do so just do what you want to do, rather than what you feel you ought to do.

‘Unfortunately a lot of old people get bitter like this, so I would do what suits you.’

unfortunately a lot of younger people love to make sweeping ageist remarks 🙄

Christmas aside I came in to chime in about my horror that a) he doesn't allow heaing on b) you have children in that cold house and c)you actually think this is unavoidable because you work part time so earn less.

Where has this belief come from? Aren't you two an equal partnership, collaborating in a home and a family rather than business partners? You make it sound like he's the bigger shareholder of a company so has control over it. His money is your money and vice versa, do you work part time to do childcare as this is even more heinous on his behalf if so?

It is so unhealthy not to heat the home, yeah cost of living situation is shit and I'm feeling the pinch myself in an old stone house needing heating on tons to avoid damp- but warmth, food and shelter are the three necessities that can't be compromised on. Not saying heating needs to be on all the time but the house should be warm, there are so many health issues from cold living environments.