To ask for help to sort this mess out?

Slow habit reforming. Make your plan to delete all the unhealthy things and replace with healthy things. Set your goals and mini goals. Now is the absolute best time you can do this.

• Ghost and block the User Guy, he can't be that good in bed, (get a decent vibrator, they can't emotionally abuse you.) Make plans to enjoy your time with your daughter instead, all the fun things you can do together.

• Make a finance plan that you can move forward with and what you'd like to do when you are financially stable.

• work towards eliminating the alcohol and drugs and increase nutrition and exercise. The exercise high is pretty amazing and completely guilt free.

You have a lot of work to do (as do we all) and it may seem like a mountain but it's small incremental things. Envision your life this time next year as you carry on down this path and then visualise the best version of you you want to be and keep that in mind. Fuck off the self doubt and negativity and boost those positives. You have all the tools, you know it already, it's your job. Be your own patient and success story. 🙌

I had a cocaine and alcohol problem for a few years in my 30s.

I moved 40 miles away to a town where I didn't know any dealers, which really helped me knock the coke on the head. Once I wasn't doing the coke, I cut down on the drinking but was still pissing it up a fair bit for another 10 years or so, until perimenopause meant that a skinfull gave me crippling migraines that were not only agony, but made me puke my guts up every time I ingested so much as a sip of water for 8-12 hours. And I found drinking

I do wonder if it might be easier to give them up one at a time though. Imo, alcohol and cocaine go together like nothing else. Get too pissed, a line of coke will sober you up a bit, get too wired from the coke and a big glass of wine will take the edge off.

It's 25-30 years since I last did some coke, and even now I could still fancy a line or two.

Good luck with it, OP.

Write down all the feelings you feel after you take drugs/alcohol.

On a separate page write down the feelings you feel when you spend time with your daughter doing something fun.

Write down long term goals that you want (limit to 3).

Ask yourself which page is most likely to help you achieve your goals. Keep the pieces of paper. When you get an urge to drink/take drugs look at what you wrote about how you feel once you have done so.

I would recommend getting rid of the man first. Even though its not official, any loss can trigger a relapse.

Get rid of any alcohol in your house at the moment. And drugs.

Get to Holland and Barrett and get yourself some Trip drinks for any urges.

Keep yourself busy. Always have a plan as to what you are doing in the evening.

Seek out professional help for yourself through addiction charities/support groups.

So come back later and tell us your 2 steps today...

Good Luck!

Just wanted to say well-done for taking a big and brave step in sharing this. One day at a time 💐💪
My username means basically we all make mistakes in life. We learn from them and we move forward x

@lopertee your to-do list might be a little overwhelming..is there just one small thing you could change to start with? What change would be achievable and have an immediate impact on your wellbeing/quality of life? Just to start to build momentum? You don’t have to change everything for everything to change.

Also remember, you're human, I’m sure you help a lot of people as you have first hand experience of addiction issues. I think working with addiction is the one job role that really benefits from having lived experience.

I don’t have much experience with cocaine, but could you keep a log of how much/how often and cut down very very gradually until you are down to nothing at all? Is that a possibility?

You've made the first big step today. There's loads of sound advice in the responses. Things will get better for you and your daughter if you remain focused and determined.
Wishing you both the very best xx

Oh, you poor thing. You MUST go to counselling, for you and your daughter's sake.
Best of luck

You have absolutely started something positive for yourself here !

Absolutely first is fet rid of this man dump / end it make sure to block him after.

Try do something nice with your daughter so you know in your heart you are there for here and going to get better

Good luck you've got this <3

Using your own professional advice...

Get rid of the man,
therapy,
recovery groups/social groups,
self help books,
healthy eating,
exercise,
loads of self care

Can you commit to make 2 points of progress on this list each day...

so today you have
✔️ sought details of therapy
✔️ made steps in a social support network here on mumsnet.

Tomorrow you could look at other areas to progress:

• making sure you drink 2 litres of water each day
• walk 1000 more steps than you did yesterday / get to your 10000 a day
• start to read your favourite self help book
• mute the man in all forms of contact

Etc...

1 or 2 steps at a time. You will likely increase the pace once you get started... but 2 steps every day will give you an aim and something to track especially on the rough days.

You’re brave for sharing this OP. Well done for saying it out loud.

Agree with PPs that some time off work could be really helpful- but that you need to get some support in place first (NA/AA/therapist/friend). I have come up against a number of addictions in my life and can well imagine how easy and tempting it would have been for me to get signed off work without telling anyone the real reasons why, and then use that alone time to lose myself in my addictions.

But that time can be used to help you recover and get the support you need. It sounds like you have been able to support others with similar problems to you, so hopefully you can have faith in the treatments available and know that recovery is possible. All the best 💐

Also look at the addiction boards on MN - loads of support there. And I am sure reading recommendations too....

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/substance_addiction_

I thought a lot of recovery workers had lived experience. I’m no expert but I wouldn’t expect them to judge.

Definitely look at therapy and maybe some online groups - eg AA/NA. You can stay anonymous but get the support.

Posting here is the start for you. You can see where you want to be and it isn’t too late to turn the spiral back upwards. Good luck.

Go to cocaine anonymous OP. Don't tell anyone who would have a duty to report you.

You can sort this out. You have BPD, get to CA, get into a routine, start walking your dogs again. Delete all the numbers out your phone. Get a DBT workbook and work through it to refresh your dbt skills.

I don't think you'll dump the user guy without something else there for you. The loss of attachment will be too much. Instead of cutting him and everything else out try adding as many good things first.

I would also say that lots of medical professionals, including therapists/MH counsellors as well as medical doctors have addiction issues I think their rates are higher than the general population probably due to access and stress. So, even if if feels like the worst thing in the world to get found out, you won't be the first or the last, and there may be more support than you think. Don't let those fears stop you changing things, and there are also private therapists and support clubs online (e.g. Soberistas) that can be there for you.

Find a therapist and get some help. Make sure you choose a well qualified and experienced one. It won't affect your job. Read "the myth of the untroubled healer" by Marie Adams. I really wish you well with your journey.

You sound very insightful and intelligent, but you yourself know you are doing self-destructive things (we all do from time to time, overeating, drinking too much and so on). I think having a therapist privately would be a very good idea, because at the moment there's a mismatch between your intentions and your actions and I think that accounting to yourself and to a therapist would help you start to match those up. It may be you can't do everything all at once as well, perhaps quitting one thing first, or tackling the relationship issue first might be a big step in itself. Staying off work to drink won't help anything, so I'd make sure you get some help in situ before you leap, if you can. Good luck with it all.

Also maybe use this thread to record your progress. If you relapse - come here and write it down. No judgement but you may feel that you are a little more accountable to someone (we will be kind). But if you keep a record of your progress, we can also cheer you on :). Obviously only if you feel you want to. Just might be good to have an anonymous support network.

Well done for posting, it can’t have been easy.

Easy for me to say but there’s no way I would jeopardise my job at this stage. I would be absolutely determined to sort this myself. I appreciate we’re all different though & might not be possible for you.

The very first thing I would absolutely do (I have high self esteem so again, easier said than done) is dump this man. Block him, erase him from your mind & never ever look back.

I would then find the very best therapist to help with your alcohol/cocaine addictions.

Definitely speak to a therapist. They wouldn't breach confidentiality over this. But before you start with them you can ask them what's they would break confidentiality over so then you know.

You've already started by getting to this point. Well done!!
Make the next step a little one. Maybe contact a therapist?

I'm so sorry. Sounds awful. Start small. Step by step. Have your daughter in mind everytime you find it hard. There's a very real chance you could be put on a child in need or child protection plan with social services if it got out and that is definitely something to avoid. To me, it seems like the starting place is to get rid of the man. Be strong! 2024 is your year.