FIL comment Christmas Day

Am so sorry for your loss. Christmas is an especially difficult time if you've lost someone. My sister is terminally ill (alcoholic, mid forties with end stage liver failure and NC with any family). Christmas, especially the run up to it, is very sad. You have my sympathy. I think that it was a thoughtless blurted out comment. Ignore the poster saying that you were spoiling for a fight. That was just a very odd comment designed to hurt. You have to wonder about people who post things like that.

I'm sorry you experienced such an awful loss @meegsmalone He I'm sure said it without thought and not meaning hurt. I am not surprised you found Christmas hard.

Yabu. I am sorry you were feeling your sister's loss today (doesn't Christmas just evoke all the feels?) but I don't imagine your fil meant any offence. He probably wasn't thinking about what you've been through...and why would he be? He'll be thinking about his own Christmas and goings on.

Fizzadora, while I understand what you are saying, I don't think it's 'self absorbed' to be sad about the death of a sibling only 5 months after the event.
My in laws are my family, so my sister's death mattered to them too, in the same way that I sympathised with my MIL when she lost her own sister.

He probably didn't mean to put you on the spot. Was it a family group? If so they might be all quite close and see you as family but forget that doesn't mean you might want to share your feelings with everyone

I’m so sorry for your loss, he may not have been thinking before he spoke. I have a few men of a certain age in my life and they would absolutely make this mistake but would be horrified when they realise their mistake. Someone else should have pulled him up on it in private so he could apologise to you x

The first year of events is always hard after someone has died, especially if its in difficult circumstances but you need to remember this is hardest for you and your sister's immediate family, not anyone else.
I am not sure why now, long after the event, you feel more annoyed about what your FIL said and why has it made you feel so uncomfortable?
Presumably "everyone" that you refer to was your DH's family so your family by extension and people who care about you but they are his family, not yours and simply not affected by your sister's death. They are aware of it, but it is some months ago now and it's likely they have not even really thought about it since it happened.
You simply cannot expect others to be aware of your ongoing feelings about something that really has nothing to do with them.
It sounds a bit like you are trying to find something to fall out about. I hope not because he sounds quite caring to me.
Perhaps also remember that older people can tend to be less self absorbed and emotive and far more pragmatic about life, death and hardship than younger generations and are more used to "putting a face on" in front of others.
As others have said if you had responded truthfully that you were missing your sister, you might have elicited some sympathetic words or a consoling hug and you would be thinking about the whole interaction in a different light, if at all.

I'm sorry for your loss. My sister died in traumatic circumstances 4 years ago and I still find Christmas hard. I think he was just being thoughtless.

Sadly OP you’ll get this. My beautiful sister died last year and some days I just can’t face it all. I have had people say the most stupid things to me. I just say “it’s hard to be happy all the time with an empty chair at the table” and then I compose myself and move on. People aren’t trying to be nasty, I think they just forget that you are suffering and grieving and that there is no quick fix for a life without someone so important to you.

sending hugs OP.

Perhaps he was being sympathetic 🤷‍♀️

Sorry for your loss OP. I doubt he was being mean or deliberately thoughtless. I'd give him a pass on tbis one. What did your partner say?

It does suck. Everything sucks when you lose someone close.

Everyone loves that 'stop the clocks' poem and there's a reason. You want everyone else and everything else to change because your life has changed out of all recognition.

So sorry OP

I personally think losing someone near and dear to you in questionable circumstances is incredibly hard and even more so during this time of year.

It would have been more thoughtful to have approached his daughter in law privately instead of openly publicly shouting out "you don't look happy!" It was totally unnecessary and inappropriate.

Was it his way of asking if you were okay/wanted to talk?

Most (if not all) people are thoughtless at least some of the time. He was unlikely to be thinking about your sister or your tough year.

For you it was an embarrassing calling out. For him it was a kind checking in.

It's not worth thinking about anymore.

How have you come to that conclusion? We've been told one sentence that he said with no extra context

Don't ruminate on it. He called out a comment without thinking and you deflected it.

Put it out your head now and give it no more thought. It's not worth it.

Agree with this

I think he’s just not made the link and didn’t do it with any bad intention

Some people are really thick headed. If someone looked down, calling it out in front of everyone is absolutely never the right thing to do! My condolences 💐 I hope you have good support around you 💜

Why was he? He was concerned about OP. Why is that out of order? Nobody called anybody out

Your grief is at the forefront of your mind, but not his. He made a stupid comment but it doesn’t mean he is intentionally trying to hurt you.