Same every year

My family are awful too in much the same way. After Covid and a couple of virtual Christmases we decided to bite the bullet and change our routine. Previously we'd gone for the whole day and it was awful, now we go for a couple of hours and we agree before we get there what time we're going to leave.

The first year we got all sorts of recriminations and frankly abuse - like that was going to make us want to go there?! This year was much calmer, but they seemed annoyed we'd had a nice day prior to coming to theirs.

Honestly life is too short to put up with the crap - change your plans for next year, deal with the fallout and have a much nice time.

What are they going to do? Beat you up? Steal your money?

They have no power over you. I know that's difficult to realise, but you are the one with the power here, and you are willingly, voluntarily and unnecessarily giving it away and making yourself miserable because you don't realise it.

So they'll throw a colossal strop if you do something else for Christmas. So fucking what? You don't live with them, so hang up the phone, don't read the texts, don't arrange to see them. Leave if they have a go at you. They throw colossal strops anyway, don't they? Them not having a colossal strop of some sort is not an option on the table. So you might as well have an actually nice Christmas and let the strop happen somewhere you're not.

The LAST time my mother came for Xmas Dinner she stood up in the middle, clutched her chest and had phoney choking episode. My three sons all looked at me to see if I was panicking, when they saw I wasn't they returned to eating their turkey dinner, they knew what she was like by then. I had literally just sat down as serving everybody else and she insisted on being taken home (50m walking distance but couldn't possibly go alone despite being fully mobile). Didn't matter that I was in the middle of my dinner...........it was attention seeking behaviour brought on I'm pretty sure as she didnt like seeing me running about after my sons paying them lots of attention rather than her (all young adults one from abroad so I'm happy paying them lots of attention).

I totally understand the playing the 'unwell' card as she's done it all my life, she did not get invited again, now we just have a chilled relaxed time just the four of us! It's worth the fallout 💐

Thanks all. It’s not a usual relationship where you can be honest with each other I am afraid. If I said how I feel, this would cause all sorts of issues including my mother ‘getting unwell’.
I had a mother like this OP although sometimes she would say my father was 'unwell'. She would stop talking to me for weeks or even months if I didn't do as she wanted. I had a nervous breakdown in my 40s as a result and went NC afterwards. No regrets on my part but my DDs who were 8 and 12 at the time remember their 'mad' grandmother and her actions.
Just stop entertaining your parents for Christmas. You and your family will be all the better for it.

I don't see how any fall out with 11 months notice is going to be worse than another shitty Christmas Day

This. If you give them a year's notice, she can't pretend to be ill for an entire year can she? 😂she's going to look like a right twat doing that

Tell them in January that you're doing something different next Christmas. Eg out at a restaurant or that you'll come to theirs with food on Boxing Day for a celebration.
I don't see how any fall out with 11 months notice is going to be worse than another shitty Christmas Day. You are in control as a grown woman you know that don't you? You sound totally helpless but next year can be soooo much better.

Why can't she just 'get unwell' and deal with it? Offer paracetamol and remind her that 111 is available every day of the year.

When you stop having them over at Christmas. It's not compulsory.

Same! Our Christmases used to be awful. My grandmother would sit there with a face on her all day, wouldn't help at all (completely physically capable too, so not as if she couldn't), complaining about everything. My aunt was super religious (nothing against that, I have a faith too but hers appeared to be verging on puritanical) so would frown and tut about anything deemed remotely "fun" as if it was a mortal sin to enjoy oneself.

My other nan would pretend to help but didnt really, just flapped around arguing constantly with my mum about how things should be done. My grandad would sit there like a grump expecting to be served everything and never actually spoke a word to anyone, not even so much as a thank you. The only thing he'd actually talk about were war films, which noone else liked.

None of my memories of Christmas were pleasant, they were just year after year of misery, obligation and constant criticism and I could never understand why people enjoyed Christmas as to me, it just seemed an utter relief when it was over and they all went home. They're all dead now and I love Christmas. I won't ever host Christmas to anyone ever again. This is my time to enjoy it now and I make sure me, H and the kids actually have fun. We don't even eat turkey because none of us like it! If that had been suggested back then, WW3 would have started. Its so lovely to actually enjoy Christmas now.

We endure PIL (with BIL and SIL) who have never done 'fun' or 'silliness' and certainly don't now they're in their 80's. Warm Vimto and cheap food is the order of the day. Think two £1 Morrisons cheesecakes for ten adults including four teenage boys. There was no heating on yesterday.
It may well be FIL last Xmas so we endure.

This.

been there. MIL and her sister and SIL

never contributed (physically helped, played with the young kids, offered to buy turkey etc)

now they’re all dead we love Christmas again. We never host and never will

So your childhood Christmas was awful and YOU are giving your dc the same? Can you see that? It's up to you to change this. You've given them 50y of control over you, you've done your fair share. Go away next year, plan for this and then that will break the pattern. And then the year after do it your own way.

If you continue to host people with whom you have ‘a strained relationship’ and who don’t enjoy Christmas food and drink, then no, it won’t get any better. If you don’t enjoy each other’s company on a normal day you won’t enjoy it at Christmas either.

Food too fattening? “Oh well. Eat less mum?” Have plenty of wine and good cheer, ignore the cat’s bum mouths. Plonk them in front of the telly and have a glass of something nice in the kitchen with DH while cooking. Book their taxi home for 6pm latest.

Only you can change it OP - I’m lucky in that my mum really didn’t enforce any rules about Xmas with regards to who we spent it with, she was always of the mindset that as long as she saw us some time over the holiday then that would be fine, I’m the same and our adult kids know that and so far they’ve chosen to spend it with us.

No obligations works for us.

Tenerife

Stop being a martyr.
If you don't want to host, don't!

So they are sort of low level miserable parsimonious types. My MIL is a very earnest hand wringing type.

I would get rip roaringly drunk and just do what I like, if they want to flounce off then that’s up to them.

@CurlewKate they are probably the sort who would disinherit the poster, I say life is too short to worry about that.

Best thing we ever did.

The parents' Christmas present from us was a short Christmas break in a hotel, while we went skiing. We had my brother on side too, including chipping in for the cost (he didn't want to host either) , so we had an informal "family buffet before Christmas" the weekend before. Less stressful for everyone - and as it turned out, a huge success.

Rent somewhere next Christmas, even if it’s a caravan at Jaywick (I like Jaywick - fresh sea air, walks to St Osyths, Frinton and Clacton, you can go shark tooth hunting at Walton, a bus ride into Colchester see all the Roman stuff), have a immediate family Christmas together, do what you want - and enjoy.

Book a holiday cottage by the sea that sleeps only your family.

Lone voice here: lots of people endure grumpy relatives on Christmas day and it isn't all of nothing. You can make it manageable / not ruin your kids' day by limiting it to say 2hrs. Invite them for a certain time eg 4pm and make up a white lie for why they need to leave at 6, maybe having to drive to a relative's. I also like the idea upthread of having some healthy option and fill your own plate to avoid that particular moan.

@checkedcloth "I cannot even begin to start to describe the fallout if we suggested we were doing something different next year."

What can they possibly do to you?

I understand what your saying re upset it would cause.

But honestly OP your inflicting a miserable Christmas on you and more importantly your children so as not to have a row.

The row is needed, put your family first.

I am in my later 30s and tend to go to my parents for lunch. I do load of helping and buy stuff. So it's not one sided. They also don't really get into the spirit and it's stressful for me. They are absolutely not natural hosts as they just don't do well at thinking about others. This sounds bratty I mean it for others too and having done lots of hosting myself. I need to do things differently next year.