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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is rude?

39 replies

Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:12

For context, my DSis lives 10 minutes from my mum. She uses my mum as a third parent and my mum is expected to drop everything at a moment's notice.

DSis refuses to host mum at Christmas and will only see her in laws. The in-laws have a great relationship with mum and always ask for her to be invited.

DH and I always host mum. She's due later. This year she booked her Christmas invite in JUNE because she hates being alone.

I've just phoned her and she's really upset. Not even a text from my sister.

I've raised this before in previous years with my sister and the response I get is that mum is not required at Christmas!!

Am I being unreasonable to be really upset about this?

I'm not going to bother raising it with DSis again.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Spencer0220 · 26/12/2023 12:31

BluebellsForest · 26/12/2023 08:20

Why are you still in any contact with your sister? You can only start by putting in appropriate boundaries yourself, and then try to help your mum find her own.

Believe me, I intend to go NC once mum dies. But I don't think stressing mum further is fair.

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ZombieGirl86 · 26/12/2023 08:27

Your sister is a d..k. You can't change her, but your mum needs to be firm with her.
It's sad but I don't think either of you are missing much from her anyway, totally selfish person.

BluebellsForest · 26/12/2023 08:20

Why are you still in any contact with your sister? You can only start by putting in appropriate boundaries yourself, and then try to help your mum find her own.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 23:28

Just finally had a very generic merry Christmas text off my sister.

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Cherrysoup · 25/12/2023 18:56

Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 18:51

Absolutely!! Mum won't go because she doesn't want to be looking after the kids tomorrow.

She's just left here. She thanked us for a lovely day. Loved her dinner and gift.

Could have done without DH setting the kitchen on fire! But that's another story...

Show quote history

😱🔥

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 18:51

Hodge00079 · 25/12/2023 17:20

She would probably be back pedalling like mad if mum had taken her up on late invite for Christmas Day.

Perhaps sister is unhappy because won’t see mum on Boxing Day. Or maybe because mum will not be around to be the third parent to her kid(s).

Absolutely!! Mum won't go because she doesn't want to be looking after the kids tomorrow.

She's just left here. She thanked us for a lovely day. Loved her dinner and gift.

Could have done without DH setting the kitchen on fire! But that's another story...

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Hodge00079 · 25/12/2023 17:20

She would probably be back pedalling like mad if mum had taken her up on late invite for Christmas Day.

Perhaps sister is unhappy because won’t see mum on Boxing Day. Or maybe because mum will not be around to be the third parent to her kid(s).

Eekmystro · 25/12/2023 16:11

Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 15:56

I have just asked DM.

My sister gave her a late invite after it was known mum was coming here.

DSis invited her tomorrow and mum has declined because Boxing Day is a day off from her work, as she put it. DSis unhappy.

I’m not surprised.
your mum wanted an invite, now she got one and has declined. The calling it “work” is odd. If she considers needing tomorrow off from “work” then why would she want to go to to “work” Xmas day anyway.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 15:56

I have just asked DM.

My sister gave her a late invite after it was known mum was coming here.

DSis invited her tomorrow and mum has declined because Boxing Day is a day off from her work, as she put it. DSis unhappy.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 25/12/2023 14:42

Maybe your Dsis has mental health issues or a personality problem that makes it difficult for her to recognise appropriate behaviour and kindly respect for others.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 14:36

Hodge00079 · 25/12/2023 13:54

If sis hosts every man and his dog perhaps embarrassed by mum. Seems like treated more like hired help (without pay) than family.

Does mum know that you had to practically beg your sis to help her when unwell?

Probably be damaging to your relationship if you moved home and constantly seeing mum treated like a doormat.

Is sis getting money off mum like she has being trying with you in the past?

Defo agree you need to have chat and then step back.

I don't know why she'd be embarrassed by mum. Mum is lovely. She doesn't always understand social cues though, but DH and I put this down to her not being from the uk. We just tell her straight when she gets it wrong, and usually we incorporate her traditions as best we can.

Definitely won't be moving closer. Where we are now suits both of us year round. DM is only 45 minutes drive away and she comes every 2-3 weeks for a meal. She helps us with small tasks, but the difference is we don't expect her to come. We always ask and almost always invite her for a meal. We also pay petrol if her visit to help is the main reason she drove over. If that makes sense? Usually she is coming to visit as a guest and suddenly a lightbulb needs changed or a pet needs cuddling to clip nails etc. things we wouldn't ask her to come for, but because she's here anyway and extra pair of hands never goes amiss.

I don't think DM gives her as much money as we used to. She doesn't have very much!! DM did buy the most expensive gifts this year though.....

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 25/12/2023 14:34

Aquamarine1029 · 25/12/2023 12:18

Your mother needs to take some responsibility here. No one is forcing her to be your sister's doormat. I'd be telling your mum to stop allowing herself to be taken advantage of and to step way, way back from your sister. For most people, shit behaviour like this has consequences. I suggest you show your sister what they are.

This 💯

Hodge00079 · 25/12/2023 13:54

If sis hosts every man and his dog perhaps embarrassed by mum. Seems like treated more like hired help (without pay) than family.

Does mum know that you had to practically beg your sis to help her when unwell?

Probably be damaging to your relationship if you moved home and constantly seeing mum treated like a doormat.

Is sis getting money off mum like she has being trying with you in the past?

Defo agree you need to have chat and then step back.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 13:50

@daisybe her kids are expected to be gone at 18

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Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 13:49

Testina · 25/12/2023 13:41

“Earlier in the year when she was very unwell I had to insist my sister check on her and get shopping. DSis most outraged she was asked.

DH and I not able to go as we couldn't drive.”

Your mum’s choice to be a doormat for your sister is on her. You’re not winning any awards yourself for that though!

What did you expect me to do? We aren't local and both disabled. We literally couldn't get there to help.

I phoned multiple times a day to check on her and organised my local sister - albeit unwilling - to fetch what was needed.

OP posts:
Testina · 25/12/2023 13:41

“Earlier in the year when she was very unwell I had to insist my sister check on her and get shopping. DSis most outraged she was asked.

DH and I not able to go as we couldn't drive.”

Your mum’s choice to be a doormat for your sister is on her. You’re not winning any awards yourself for that though!

daisybe · 25/12/2023 13:35

Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:24

Not as far as I know, or mum knows. Just that she's not needed.

Mum calls going to my sister's her work.

Earlier in the year when she was very unwell I had to insist my sister check on her and get shopping. DSis most outraged she was asked.

DH and I not able to go as we couldn't drive.

Show quote history

Ok, your sister is clearly using your mum as free labour and treating her as a servant, not mother.

I do feel you ought to tell your mother she should probably no longer go out of her way to help out since she's seen as a burden unless "needed" and is not thanked in kind for her efforts in some way.
That's awful and very poor behaviour from a daughter to her mother.
Your mum won't be around forever. She deserves better.
She's lucky to have you at least but sister.... I'm shocked! I'd never treat my mum like that.
I help mine more than I help myself sometimes and I pay her back in some way if she does something for me. I sort her prescriptions, pop to the shops, buy her stuff she asks for that she wouldn't know where to get otherwise etc simple gestures but it's a respect thing. I'm sure your sister wouldn't want her kids to treat her that way later!

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 13:28

Eekmystro · 25/12/2023 13:18

“Your DMum is an enabler for your DSis, as many parents are for their adult DC and has consequently become a doormat. You can't fix it and, as you've realised, there's no point raising it. “

^
I agree with this. your mum is allowing your DS to treat her this way and the only thing that will change it is if your mum starts having boundaries. As you say there is no point talking to your sister.

In your shoes I think I would speak to DM in the new year and suggest she might want to look at her own behaviour and how she manages demands from DS. What is she scared will happen if she says no? Does she know how to say no? I would only try once with DM though and then step back. If DM chooses to let the situation continue that is, sadly, her choice.

Great advice thank you

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CommonSenze · 25/12/2023 13:28

“I'm already somewhat LC, she won't give me the time of day because we won't give her anymore money”
this setting off alarm bells for anyone else. DSis is a user. Probably giving DM a good old sob story.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 13:27

Sureaseggs44 · 25/12/2023 13:05

That’s awful . Can your mum not move closer to you ?

Unfortunately she wants us to move back home!

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Eekmystro · 25/12/2023 13:19

Is there any wider context. What was DM and DS relationship like when you were children?

Eekmystro · 25/12/2023 13:18

“Your DMum is an enabler for your DSis, as many parents are for their adult DC and has consequently become a doormat. You can't fix it and, as you've realised, there's no point raising it. “

^
I agree with this. your mum is allowing your DS to treat her this way and the only thing that will change it is if your mum starts having boundaries. As you say there is no point talking to your sister.

In your shoes I think I would speak to DM in the new year and suggest she might want to look at her own behaviour and how she manages demands from DS. What is she scared will happen if she says no? Does she know how to say no? I would only try once with DM though and then step back. If DM chooses to let the situation continue that is, sadly, her choice.

Sureaseggs44 · 25/12/2023 13:05

That’s awful . Can your mum not move closer to you ?

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:58

Hodge00079 · 25/12/2023 12:37

If my mum was being treated like this by a sibling I would be upset.

However, mum needs to sort this. Perhaps with help from you. Perhaps focus today on having a good time today and say perhaps lets discuss after Christmas. If mum doesn’t even get a text today if were her I would not be answering texts/calls next time sis has a crisis. However, at the end of the day mum needs to make that call. Perhaps discuss a strategy.

Does sis host or her ILs? If it is ILs have they invited her directly?

Hosts in laws every year. Including sibling, partners and dogs.

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Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:57

WYorkshireRose · 25/12/2023 12:33

Your DMum is an enabler for your DSis, as many parents are for their adult DC and has consequently become a doormat. You can't fix it and, as you've realised, there's no point raising it.

However, personally I'd want nothing to do with a "D"Sis who behaved that way towards our DMum so would likely be low/no contact already, but that's just me,

I'm already somewhat LC, she won't give me the time of day because we won't give her anymore money

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