I trashed the house

Do not feel sorry. Yes it probably wasn't the best choice of words or way to deal with it, but the issue remains.

Going forward you need to sort out an equitable share with your husband (and also children) and stick to it.

I do zero life admin for my husband. No family presents, cards, thank yous, reminders, his car is his to deal with as are his appointments. I don't provide him with information he can't find out himself nor do I arrange things with the inlaws. Harsh but honestly so worth it. You do have to sit with the uncomfortableness of it though, but you have to ride it out (I'm a people pleaser so I found this very hard at the start). My inlaws probably think I'm a bit of a bitch but they did everything for my husband and as such he never learnt to do these things himself. If they didn't train him on things they find important, then that's their issue.

Plus if you can afford it, buy things to make your life easier. We have a washer dryer and heated airer. When I find clothes that fit nice, I buy 2 (or 3) of the same so I always have clean/dry work trousers etc.

Teens need to take responsibility too. It's sad that things got to that point, you aren't wrong at all. I do hope they took it to heart and start managing some of the load. My DD was 12 when my now-18mo DD was born. My elder is ASD/ADHD as well. She has been like a second mother in the home, watching out for me and her sister, asking if I need anything, does chores when I ask, and even my 18mo has learned to pick up after herself. She'll walk around the house and find anything that should be in the garbage and throws it away herself. If my special needs DD and toddler can do this I know a grown man can do even better. He may not care to but he can. By now a teen should too without being asked, depending how you raised them. You're not crazy!

I’d go on strike. Make yourself a sandwich and leave them to do it all. YANBU

Get yourself to bed for a kip and let DH take over for the day. You sound in dire need of a proper rest.

Have a peaceful Christmas, @kate1996 , as best you can.

Sounds as if it was needed to shock them out of their complacency in letting you carry the load. You’ve apologised, now let them pull their weight and gp have a lovely Xmas.

This might go down in family folklore if it was a one off “Remember the year mum lost it and we realised we had to pull our weight”

Keep them contributing in future now.

Happy to read you update & that DH has bucked up & you put things right with teen. Have a lovely Christmas & please look after yourself you have an awful lot on your plate as it is x

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas, OP. We all lose it from time to time, and it sounds like you have a lot on. x

Where has anyone said the 13yo should do more housework before the father lifts a finger?

OP wanted the teen to clean her room and for DH to help with housework.

Don’t feel terrible. Seriously. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your DH has neglected you for long enough, it’s a form of abuse. No wonder you lost it.

But the teenager can tidy her room and DH can clean the house instead of only getting off their arses only when OP breaks down.

Just because there are 2 babies in the house doesn’t prevent from teen and DH doing their share of chores.

Don't feel terrible for losing it. Your teenager and DH won't be permanently scarred and it's made them both realise how much strain you're under. Try to get help sooner in future - pass some responsibilities over to DH completely.

I had DC2 when DC1 was 19 months old and remember very little of those early months. Neither child was particularly difficult but I broke down weeping in front of a Health Visitor once, oddly enough I felt much better as soon as I did.

You’re honestly good OP don’t worry & stop being so hard on yourself. Even now in 2023 us women have sooo much pressure on us to do everything for everyone and it’s not fair. You’re human no wonder you burst! Im stressed with one child here never mind your two really young ones- a teen- and a lazy bastard husband!!!

Men need to pull their fucking weight I’m sick of them thinking going to work is enough!!! They -men generally-do hardly anything unless asked & then you’re a “nag” 🙄

OP concentrate on yourself & baby and get DH to do the rest & pull his fucking finger out!! Don’t worry about house not being tidy either your guests know your situation! As a guest I actually am pleased when I go to an untidy house as it makes me feel less guilty about mine & makes the host seem more human!!
Just make sure you look after self & baba & have a lovely Christmas x.

And not just this.

it is not a females job to clean. Saying the 13 year old girl should do more housework before the father should lift a finger is sexism. She should clean her room, of course. But housework? No the lazy git father needs to be doing far, far more.

My comment about work was in regards to a conversation I was having with a poster about wether Christmas was causing the issue or not.

Then they added a bit about most people not being at work 10 weeks pp. I wasn’t saying wether she works or not has nothing to do with the situation.

But wasn’t relevant to the conversation with that poster before that.

I’m the DH, and I’ve definitely taken a lot more on this year too - it’s not just a thing for women to do 🙂

Agree with this 👆

Because if DH works and the OP doesn’t, to some extent the OP will need to be doing more housekeeping / parenting.

Not all of it, just more (so I agree there’s a problem) but the working status of them does factor into the equation.

The teen didn't ask for mum to have 2 siblings under 2! It's not their job to act like a personal assistant to facilitate this choice. Sure I'd expect them to do the basics eg clean up after themselves and put clothes in the laundry basket but otherwise it's on the OP and her husband to parent the other children that they chose to have

Just seen your update OP. Which is really nice. Sounds like they have taken notice and both are making an effort. Hope it all goes well. You were overwhelmed but you've sorted it, so well done.

Oh I'm completely with you and have all the feels. But not the babies. Just the teens. Both upstairs on their screens. Me and dh downstairs trying to be Christmassy.
I just want to throw their stockings at them saying 'merry Christmas ya filthy animals'.

Don't feel terrible! You've apologised, that's enough. Let the pair of them see you're not a bloody robot.

Or, DH does more? Fine to scale down the stress and work but why the word ‘women’? My DH is doing the lions share this year due to circumstances.

This. I've snapped before. Sometimes it gets too much

Sending positive thoughts. Saw your update & am glad you talked with your daughter, may be worth having a proper chat with her later - there are lessons here for her later in life, sadly.

Fwiw - obvs yes you were unreasonable but also it's TOTALLY understandable. Both things can be true at the same time.

Re hubby - he's got to step up. Apologise for the freak-out, that you do love him but things have to change.

Oddly I just this week spoke to eldest son about not leaving his partner to do all the Christmas shopping by herself cos it might be fine at first but she WILL resent it eventually.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas day

Seriously? She should apologise to her child for swearing at them? What is wrong with people on here? It’s not the teenagers fault that her mother chose to have babies close together and married a lazy sod.