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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get the ick over this

35 replies

nomorebuttonuppjs · 23/12/2023 18:17

My partner is a lovely guy in his mid 30s. He is an only child and very close to his widowed mother. He lives in his own house and holds down a responsible job.
All fine and dandy.
She likes to buy him his clothes - most of them - and he lets her.
I do worry there are some boundary issues. She is lonely and of course he adores her, but I think she has forgotten he is a grown up (and maybe he has too?)
Today she bought him button up pyjamas.
AIBU to feel rather turned off?

OP posts:
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C152 · 23/12/2023 20:18

Run. A man who can't be bothered to buy his own clothes is not a keeper.

Olika · 23/12/2023 19:58

This might be the thing that makes your relationship not work down the line. If she keeps being over attached to him (and other way around) you and any future kids might never become priority. She might the one 3rd wheel in your relationship and that will destroy it. So I think it's fair that you think of these things now as it's better to talk away now and you have more time to meet someone else.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/12/2023 19:50

DreamTheMoors · 23/12/2023 19:03

@TomatoSandwiches

Adam Sandler is worth $hundreds-of-millions.
He can dress any way he chooses.
He doesn’t need anyone’s approval.

Show quote history

I am a big Adam Sandler fan but it is renowned that he has a serious lack of fashion sense, which is why I used him as an example.
I think everyone should feel comfortable enough to wear what they want but I find being dressed by mother as an adult off putting.

No one needs any others approval really.

TodayForTomorrow · 23/12/2023 19:45

I wouldn't have a problem with things like PJs and the odd tshirt. My mum always likes to get my DH a jumper or something at Christmas, but he usually chooses it. Some jokey Star Wars PJ bottoms would be fine.

If she is totally curating his wardrobe though then that's a bit strange. It would make me think that she was either a bit controlling or that he is so useless, that she feels she has to do it because he would never buy anything new.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 23/12/2023 19:39

It is, it's a symbolic thing. Of course it's nice for families to be close, and to buy gifts. It just all seems a bit enmeshed, if you know what I mean?

Mine is a very early relationship (2 months) but I'm already having trouble seeing where I might "fit in", if that makes sense. There's no space I can occupy, no need I can fulfil - his mum is there to do everything already!

I think keeping your independence is a very good idea, I intend to do that too.

Original poster
nomorebuttonuppjs · 23/12/2023 19:31

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight I know. And it is not a problem with parents and adult children being close, of course that is fine, as are gifts!
When we met they still lived together.
I am cautious - waiting to see how it all develops. He is great in many ways, so that is hugely in his favour, but I am a little concerned his mum has no desire whatsoever to live her own life, so I am keeping my independence.
I think the pyjamas were just symbolic! (get me , going all GCSE English teacher!)

OP posts:
Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 23/12/2023 19:14

I'm in exactly the same position, apart from he does actually live with her.

Ours is a new relationship but it's starting to give me the ick too. Like you, I really value independence. I moved out of home at 15 and have lived independently since, so for the last 30 years. I can't help but see him as very childlike, even though he has a mature personality, a career and is solvent. His mum is even doing him a stocking (he's 44). I know it shouldn't matter but it creeps me out. So you're not alone!!

HaddawayAndShite · 23/12/2023 19:09

TheChosenTwo · 23/12/2023 18:28

People using the phrase ‘giving me the ick’ is personally one of my biggest turn offs… are you 8?

Yes. It seems to be a trendy thing now, to scream about a mundane thing.

They’re pyjamas. Unless they’ve got A picture of his mam in compromising pose on them, what’s the problem?

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 19:05

Buy him an item of clothing for Christmas see if he wears it. If he doesn't there imo is the answer..

DreamTheMoors · 23/12/2023 19:03

TomatoSandwiches · 23/12/2023 18:49

I'd rather any man I dated have the fashion sense of Adam Sandler than be dressed by mummy.

@TomatoSandwiches

Adam Sandler is worth $hundreds-of-millions.
He can dress any way he chooses.
He doesn’t need anyone’s approval.

ClottedCreamScone · 23/12/2023 19:02

You can’t really control what gives you the ick. This sounds pretty innocuous to me but if it turns you off there’s not much you can do about it.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 23/12/2023 19:01

SALWARP2023 · 23/12/2023 18:34

Beware, you may end up as the other woman in your relationship. My MIL was widowed aged 39 and DH was 24 and ended up a surrogate husband. Really strained our marriage. It attracted me to begin with because he seemed so mature and sensible but once the DC arrived I found it waring to come second she also crossed numerous boundaries with the kids which he never sided with me over - such as she decided to wean, potty train, and how to dress them.

So she was 15 when she had him? Possibly 14 when pregnant? No wonder issues in their relationship!

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 19:01

Big question is has she bought herself matching pj's...?

NorthernGnashers · 23/12/2023 18:58

There's nowt wrong with button up pyjamas, if he doesn't usually wear them, they may come in for a hospital procedure/visit.

I know a mother who chased after her son's honeymoon departure, the car was winding down the lane after leaving the evening reception, and she ran after the groom, shouting, in all seriousness,
"Stuart, luv, 'av yer got yer pyjamas for tonight?"

YoureALizardHarry11 · 23/12/2023 18:58

Nope, wouldn’t put me off. If it makes her happy to buy his clothes I could tolerate this, as long as she isn’t overly involved in other aspects of his life, it’s a very minor thing to me.

If you went out shopping for the day and he saw a nice shirt or something, would he buy it or ask his mum’s approval? This also makes a difference to me.

ActDottie · 23/12/2023 18:56

Would be the ick for me! Do men even wear pyjamas anymore? Does he wear them or plan to?

Original poster
nomorebuttonuppjs · 23/12/2023 18:52

@Gozdilla It's a difficult one. I think it does overstep the boundaries .
It is great for kids to be close to their parents and care for them, I fully agree.
We do get time alone because she doesn't live near currently but is looking to move closer next year.
She is a nice lady, but her whole life is based around him, he discusses all his decisions with her, and when they are together he defers to her completely.
He lived at home until recently.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 23/12/2023 18:50

Well yeh I think you just aren't right for each other then.

Tribblesarelovely · 23/12/2023 18:49

This would give me the complete ick. In fact, I don’t think I could continue with the relationship.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/12/2023 18:49

I'd rather any man I dated have the fashion sense of Adam Sandler than be dressed by mummy.

Gozdilla · 23/12/2023 18:45

nomorebuttonuppjs · 23/12/2023 18:41

@Gozdilla Yes, it probably is nice for her and I shouldn't dismiss the importance of that.
I reckon I am partly unreasonable, I think I am a bit worried that they are a little too dependent on each other. She has no other social connections and won't do anything without him there, but treats him like he is a teenager.

I think the bigger picture is important.

If they lived independent lives but had normal visits and she bought his clothes it wouldn't bother me.

If she's heavily involved and they do alot together socially I'd be a bit more reserved.

Having said that I would hope my sons want to spend time with me when I'm older!

Not at the expense of their relationships though.

I guess only you know how deep this goes, does it make you uncomfortable? Do you get time alone?

Wallywobbles · 23/12/2023 18:42

That would give me the ick. No the pjs but the totally intertwined lives.

Original poster
nomorebuttonuppjs · 23/12/2023 18:41

@Gozdilla Yes, it probably is nice for her and I shouldn't dismiss the importance of that.
I reckon I am partly unreasonable, I think I am a bit worried that they are a little too dependent on each other. She has no other social connections and won't do anything without him there, but treats him like he is a teenager.

OP posts:
Gozdilla · 23/12/2023 18:38

I don't think it makes him dependent.

I mean before you learnt that fact did you see him as having an inappropriate relationship with his mum? Are there other red flags?

Does he have his own home? A job? A car?

Gozdilla · 23/12/2023 18:37

Does he look good?

I mean why does it bother you? Some men just don't have an interest in fashion. My husband would be in the same clothes from 6 years ago if I didn't buy him clothes. They just don't register with him.

Try seeing it a different way? It saves him money?

It probably gives her a sense of still being needed and enjoyment?

I mean if she was tucking him in at night and brushing his hair for him I'd be there with you. But it seems pretty harmless really.

And he doesn't have to wear what she gets him, especially the button up Pj's. Though I think my DH would look quite cute in them at Christmas!