To think he should maintain current contributions?

You are a very bitter woman and I pity your children

get therapy and move on

he left you not the children!

You seem to know am awful a lot about their life and likes when you haven't had more than communication by app... 🤔

You know, I feel quite sorry for the OP. I remember a poster (years ago) who said that she had quite a lot of resentment for her ex. He’d been a bit of a waste of space and she’d battled to get him to be any help at all. Then he met a new partner and turned his life around.

From what I remember, he and his new partner were fairly condescending towards the poster - they made a real point of managing her and would talk to her using a slow, calm “explaining” voice. This drove her crackers because he’d been a total fuckwit until a year before but she was meant to totally forget about that.

She didn’t mention money - apart from that the ex and his new partner were better off than she was.

The OP reminds me quite a lot of that poster.

The thing is, OP's bitterness aside, practically, you will always be worse off aka find things tight financially, if you are hoarding the kids. A xmas with dad means, you only buy gifts and off they go- that's a massive amount of money to save whilst they are at dad's. Also, you will have time to look after yourself, work more and make more money etc etc. Many sensible parents would like equal time shared with the other parent.

Wait till they are teens/teenager and eating for England. You will regret hoarding them.

The only other thing I will say to the OP @Polewire - having followed the thread but not posted as was having Christmas- is that, why have child number 2 with a man who won't marry you and now you are so bitter that he is marrying his new gf? Do you really want us to tell you that he did not want to do the things you wanted him to do for you- none can force anyone to do what you want them to do. And by the sound of this, the new woman sounds a lot more attractive as a partner than you are. So use the time kids are dad's (50/50) to work on yourself and you will need to beat off the many quality men who will want to be with you.

Yes, kids will say what they think will make mum happy- they live with you. You already admitted dad's home is a happy home. And yes, dad needs to fuss over the baby because he is helping out his new gf- it doesn't mean your big kids are being ignored.

I didn't think so.

I really hope for their sakes that he goes for more access next year.

@Chocolatebuttonns yes I totally agree. My father’s child refuses to have them half the time but I would much prefer that arrangement, despite the fact he pays fairly for dc.

He is paying for his children. I think the OP is gearing up for another fight before she even knows what he is going to do

@LorlieS its genuinely great you have provided for your dc alone. It’s incredible actually.

But let’s not suggest @Polewire needs to prove anything. Her children’s father should provide half of their cost. She shouldn’t struggle and then try and appreciate that struggle because she’s achieved the goal of providing for them. He should pay for his children, no exception.

Life's unfair but is there anything you could do personally to financially provide for your children? I think you said you work - could you up your hours at all?
I have never to this day received a penny from my ex-husband and no government support but actually a part of me is pleased I'm supporting my sons on my own - it's a bit of an "up yours" to him and proof I never needed the complete idiot to live a happy life!

@Polewire however hard I think you need to let go of the bitterness. Let go of what your coupleship/he wasn't and just be where you are now with 2 healthy dc.

I'd suggest a conversation with him as best you can, have someone read it before you send it. You haven't had contact since the split? How when you are handing children over? It sounds like a very horrible situation with your young children paying the price. I see it is he who left but this is your chance to do what he couldn't, communicate well and think of how that's better for your dc.

Keep your communication light but clear. Don't use emotion or resentment but clear language that doesn't demean him/them. Again yes he has hurt you & the dc but what happens next takes both of you thinking of them.

"Hey X Hoping you and the family had a good Christmas. The dc enjoyed spending time with you and the baby. I'm sure you are looking forward to the wedding in 2024. I'm happy for you all.

I am trying to set a budget for the dc for 2024 and would like to have a good conversation about maintenance going forward especially with any changes. I want to make sure I know what to expect so that I can ensure things the children need are covered between my wage and maintenance. I also know you've offered to purchase things in the past and wanted to get some clarity around what that means.

I know things have been hard between us, but I'd like to start the new year as a way to go forward. is there a time in January we can meet to discuss maintenance, we could do this in person or virtually, of course could do it by x app too, but really don't want it to be awkward between us. It's in the best interest for the dc for us to be able to co-parent well no matter what happened between us. I'm willing to put a lot of hurt behind me in order to make this happen because at the end of the day I want all the dc involved to have a happy, healthy life and not look back and feel their childhood was damaged by strained relationships.

Looking forward to hearing from you. Happy New Year."

Do the kids do alternate Christmasses at Dad's?

Legally he is only obliged to pay the amount as worked out by the CSA. It's annoying that he has landed a well off partner and you're struggling. Probably won't end well for them by the sound of it.

Christ OP. You’re pretty messed up. And you’re going to mess your kids up.

The trouble is though, the kids might not feel displaced by the new baby if mum gives dad a chance but again, I've seen situations where the resident parent has fed and planted those fears by saying things -
"Remember dad has a new baby now, he probably doesn't have time for you.." etc etc. and that it where the feeling of displacement comes in. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where the resident parent upsets the kids by telling them that they should be worried. Then they go around telling everyone how upset their kids are about it all. Hmm I wonder why?! I'm not saying it doesn't happen where the kids do feel pushed out but I'm saying that in this particular case, a dad who has gone to court to fight for more access to his kids...that take on this situation doesn't really add up to me. Sounds like OP is just bitter about dad having a new baby with someone else.

Also as I recall, although OP strongly suspects exh had an affair, exh and wife still maintain 4 years on that they didn't and neither are here to defend themselves. it's just easy and lazy to trot out stereotypes about the 'dickhead and his trophy wife." He might be... but it sounds like he wanted his kids to be there and has not shirked his financial responsibilities to date.

christmas Eve and you are on mumsnet worrying about what your ex and his new wife are doing ?

you slag him off for being a bad dad because he didn’t love you , doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his kids.

YOU are the parent that will fuck your children up not him.

I understand what people are saying but I don’t want my children around him more when he favours the new baby.

They're also his children and unless he's told you or you've seen for yourself first hand that he favours his new baby more than his two elder children it's all in your mind.

If it had been your Ex's turn to have the DC tonight there's every possibility that they'd have been in the photo too.

Your DC may pick up that you're cross when they talk nice about their dad and their new half sibling so are afraid to say anything that may upset you.

I really think the OP is receiving too many unnecessarily harsh replies. So sorry you’re going through all this shit OP. People are ignoring the fact that their children are being “displaced,” as she said around the new baby. Yes, her ex and his new wife are providing financially when there, but OP probably feels like they are being ignored emotionally, hence, the insecurity. OPs feelings are absolutely valid.

He DID betray her and his children. He had an affair, so not like the other woman is innocent either. The time spent sneaking around with another woman, he could’ve devoted to his children. She even said, he didn’t treat her children well in the marriage, nor her, it’s good that he is now a good father, but it doesn’t dismiss that he was shit to his older children. Maybe the OP worries about favouritism being displayed when they’re all together. It sounds like she also wants to protect her children from potential feelings of rejection.

I read that the ex has fought for more custody, but tbh, this doesn’t necessarily prove that he will treat them fairly, and well enough, one can only hope though. The children aren’t toddlers, and if they are now noticing that they’re being “pushed” out in the new family, they will likely remember this.

I’d also suggest OP gets therapy to help process her emotions and come to terms with it. Her ex sounds like an absolute dickhead. Of course, OP would still be hurting profusely. All those years, she wished for him to commit, but instead, he watched her plead, and decided to go off with another woman, leaving them to start a new family. Fucking bullshit.

Anyways, as unfortunate as it is, what’s done is done. It’s good if he can now be a good father to ALL of his children, but I guess the OP is worried that there is no guarantee. I do agree that it’s best to keep the children away from the mess, and not to show the anger towards them. But we don’t know if the OP is actually is, but it’s best she doesn’t. If the ex can somehow prove he will treat his older kids fairly in the new home, then it makes sense for them to spend more time with their dad. He is still their father and has that right and responsibility towards them.

@TwinklingLightsEverywhere ’its just the way it works.’

So we just crack on and do nothing to stand up against such a shambles?

@Polewire he should be factoring in all his children. Giving up some of his hours means he can’t provide for them adequately. I would ask him about it from that angle, don’t mention money from his pot with his woman.

Your children are picking up on your emotions and playing along to avoid mummy going into a meltdown. Why do you not see this?
Judging by all of your posts, he is a caring dad who wants to spend time with his kids. You are the one who is stewing in your own hatred, scouting social media to feed your resentment and feelings of rejection. You need help, OP. You need therapy.
You don't come across well in your posts. Sorry to sound harsh but maybe there was a good reason for him not to be the husband you wanted him to be if he was met with similar conduct while you were married.

@Polewire it's clear to me that you are not ready to hear any advice that contradicts your viewpoint. the more advice you are given, the more you dig your heels in. you need therapy and proper help, not strangers on the Internet.

and also please don't assume that no one here has experienced what you have been through, or worse. I come from a home where my parents used me and my siblings as weapons and it has scarred all of us. my mum was very badly treated by my father, but she let that grief turn into poison and channeled it through us. I read threads almost everyday on here of women being betrayed by their partners in ways far far worse than what you have described. yet they manage to still facilitate a healthy relationship between their children and expartner. just because you are unhappy doesn't mean your children also need to be unhappy.

If you're not careful op he will be taking you to court and accusing you of parental alienation next, because this is where it's heading.
You need to move on and realise unfortunately that isn't your life but it is your children's and you need to be a decent parent and let them see their dad and sibling

Doesn’t sound like he’s suffering at all tbh. He’s happy, in love, she’s providing a great lifestyle for them, they have a lovely new baby, he got the access he wanted. He’s reducing his hours for a better work life balance.

You are suffering but you can do things to reduce it and try to get what will make you happy. Carry on as you are and your children will also suffer a lot too and potentially develop lasting issues which will hurt them and their future relationships for decades.

You should try loving them more than you hate your ex. Trying to punish him will inevitably hurt them. Don’t be that person.