To think this probably isn't salvageable?

I think my triggers are if there is a change in his tone over texts or I'm getting less texts that day.
triggers and saying you have an attachment style, is that the excuse for being abusive and controlling?
Your behaviour is way out of order; demanding his phone and constantly questioning him, if this was posted in reverse OP would be told to run a mile.

What does "avoidant" even mean apart from one of the latest labels. He just sounds like a normal bloke to me.

Honestly I don't think it will ever work for a very anxious like yourself to date an avoidant. I have been both in the past but used to be very avoidant and he can not give you the level of reassurance you want, which will make you even more anxious. You will both end up feeling like you're not enough. As others have suggested I think it's a good idea to move yourself closer to being secure (through self esteem building and therapy) then go for someone who is either secure or slightly anxious too. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like this is the guy for you

You sound like a nightmare OP. You also sound very like my big sister who has never had a secure adult relationship and she’s now 50. She’s a nightmare to be in a relationship because she’s touchy paranoid volatile and easily offended. They always end in flames.

Beware.

get therapy. you’ve been together for five minutes and he’s clearly already got to watch his words with you - totally unacceptable.

I don’t think you should be dating anyone until you’ve had some therapy. I don’t mean that in an unkind way at all btw.

Actually I would edit my post above to say the guy doesn’t sound like a waste of time at all, just normal, but you seem to be wanting someone who is a lot more needy and demonstrative than the norm, to match you. There are guys like that out there but they tend to be damaged, possessive and a nightmare to be with.

I really would advise you to work on yourself and build a belief of your true worth before you try again. I would tell your boyfriend that you need some time to work on your issues and you will be in touch in the new year. If it is meant to be, he will wait, and if he doesn’t, then he wasn’t that great to start with, and certainly didn’t deserve your love.

OP he must really like you if he's putting up with all your nonsense. If a man needed half as much reassurance as you do, let alone accusing me of not loving him because the tone of my messages changed while I was busy at work, or demanding to read my conversations with friends for any reason at all, I would run a mile.

I have an anxious attachment style and he is avoidant.

I've read this sentence so many times on MN. Is there a correlation between people who know about/believe in attachment styles and people who still somehow find themselves in completely incompatible relationships?

Needing this much reassurance is not an "attachment style" or something innate in your personality, it's a toxic character trait that is deeply harmful to those around you.

Do you know what I've realised?

My anxious attachment is only an issue with avoidant, inconsistent people who aren't proactively meeting ny emotional needs.

With some people it feels like an emotional rollercoaster and like I am always "too much".

And then, other people EASILY meet my needs because they are great communicators and I am carefree, secure and relaxed.

This is simply an incompatibility issue.

We get dopamine from the breadcrumbs that avoidant people give us, this feels great.

The other kind of people can feel too safe and boring.

That is the work we need to do.

Also, he may have a point with his message, but the way he said it is awful and I personally don't like his communication style.

I also don't like the fact that you had an emotional ultimatum conversation and then it has been sexual all day rather than reconnecting.

If you were my best friend, I would tell you that you aren't compatible with him and that he isn't good for you.

I mean this kindly @cockadoo

you are a million miles away from being in the right place for a relationship

the ONLY way you can potentially save this is by stopping all your crazy shit NOW.

he drives an hour to see you? Think about it. Would you drive an hour to see someone you didn’t want to see?

he tells you - or has told you already - how he feels.

Write it all down on a list in your phone and the next time you feel like you’re spinning out of control open up the list and read it to yourself while looking in the mirror

and chill! You can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do, any more than you can make people do what you want them to do.

nothing you can do or say will make someone stay with you if they don’t want to, but if you keep on with this utter nonsense then you’ll drive him and everyone else away.

The other thing to remind yourself is that you are a good person and when you’re not being batshit crazy, people like you.

people come into our lives, some stay, some leave, but whether they stay or go, we carry on. If this relationship doesn’t end up being the be all and end all, that’s perfectly ok and you will be fine.

whatever happens you will be fine

You are asking way too much of him, too soon, and also of yourself! Bin the attachment style nonsense, take a big breath and a huge step back.

You do not know this guy. Can I repeat - you do not know this guy. You don’t know if he is good enough for you or not. You don’t know how he would react in a crisis, you don’t know whether he is truthful or not, you don’t know if he has your values or if he’s a player. For every relationship you have, you need to value you, first.

You are coming across as so desperate to be liked by him (or anyone), to fit into some preform that would make him like you, and that is not what relationships should be. Look at him critically and ask yourself what might he bring to your life (other than a warm body and a hard cock, which is super easy to find). What makes this particular human better than all of the others? Will you both get enjoyment out of what you are doing? Does he make you feel like you, just being you, is the best thing ever? Do you feel absolutely comfortable with him all the time?

If you don’t know, or the relationship is not giving you what you need, then end it, and find another that will. This guy sounds like a waste of time, chalk it up to experience, don’t contact him again, and move on.

I think you need to seek some therapy.

I demanded to see the text thread

It is not OK to demand to read your partner's texts because you saw a completely inoffensive text about enjoying a drink. It's not just needy/anxious, it's controlling and emotionally abusive.

my triggers are if there is a change in his tone over texts or I'm getting less texts that day. Even though I know he is busy at work

Again, if you are giving him grief and questioning him because he hasn't texted you enough times (especially during the working day, ffs!) that's controlling. He needs to be able to live his life and have a normal day without worrying about whether he's texted you enough times to allay your paranoia. Your boyfriend is there to be your boyfriend, not the outlet for your anxiety problem.

Imagine if a woman on this site said: 'My partner demanded to read my texts because for some reason he thought my friends and I were laughing at him, and also if I don't text him enough when I'm at work, he accuses me of going off him and I have to tell him over and over again that I still like him. He has been told he has an 'anxious attachment style' and he says that's just the way he is and he needs that kind of constant attention from me for that reason. When I said that I just want to have a normal relationship without having to reassure him all the time and without getting grief over every tiny thing, he called me 'avoidant'. AIBU?'

Every poster would be saying 'Run for the hills - his anxious attachment issues are not a licence for him to control and manipulate you like that, and it's gaslighting to call you 'avoidant'. He needs therapy.' '

He's not very forthcoming with his feelings so when I ask for reassurance he will say you know I'm interested, you know I like you, I drive an hour to see you.

How much more forthcoming do you want him to be? Jeez.

It will be really hard to have a relationship with someone with avoidant attachment style unfortunately

OK, that's next-level paranoid, not just anxious. You're inventing scenarios, demanding to read his phone and expecting him to contact you during his working day.

You very much need to work on yourself. You will be so much happier as a result.

Overcomiong Low Self Esteem by Dr Melanie Fennell is basically a CBT course in book form. Working through the chapters might be a good help in the time until therapy starts.

You can never be happy or stable if your self worth is entirely dependent on other people, and if it's linked to just one person, the burden becomes impossible.

When you accept that you are a valuable, loveable, worthwhile human being in your own right (and you are), relationships are more rewarding and healthier.

Best of luck, OP

Your anxiety is palpable OP and I really feel for you.

It’s impossible to know the dynamics of your relationship. I know several people on here have told you that you are too needy, I guess implying that you are at fault. However, I find his text a bit unkind, almost bullying. But nobody here really knows. No bunch of strangers can tell you definitively who is behaving reasonably and who is not.

What is for certain is that you have a problem between you right now and that won’t be solved by either of you changing personalities by force of will. It’s just not possible.

Ideally what you should do is tell him how much he means to you but that you need a break to process some feelings. Then, work with a therapist and with yourself to find out what’s going on for you. If he is really keen he might wait for you.

Easier said than done, I know.

If I'm honest I'd have wanted to know what he'd said to his friend about me for the friend to say that, so I don't think that's that 'crazy'. I was going to ask the same as above, do you think you might have deliberately chosen someone avoidant? It's difficult but you have to try not to obsess about things because you'll end up creating stories for why he's behaving a certain way, when they're just that - stories.

I just think I've came across as very needy and the attraction will stop.
Self fulfilling prophecy. Keep doing it and it will happen. Will you then say "I knew this would happen!" And blame him? .

Yes you are coming across as needy. Leave him to it and stop bothering him into answering you exactly how you would like.

Demanding to see his text is also controlling.

Have you considered that you've deliberately chosen someone who is avoidant?
It may be better to be single, do the work, then think about getting into a relationship.

His 'attachment style' isn't avoidant fgs, he's just normal. You sound really hard work and needy. I would have run for the hills after the first argument so at least he's given you a chance. You need to work on yourself here.

Oh OP due to my childhood I’ve been you.

If this guy is the right person for you, he won’t finish it for this reason.

It’s more likely that he will get the ‘icky’ ’ for want of a better word so do your best not to question his commitment because it isn’t fair to him.

I have an anxious attachment style and he is avoidant

Then it's obviously not going to work, is it? You're not compatible.

It's more constant reassurance 'does he like me?' 'Is he going to go off me?' 'Is he laughing to his mates about me?' 'Why hasn't he text me?' Etc.

If someone was constantly asking me for reassurance like this, it would drive me absolutely mad and I would end the relationship. It's incredibly draining to the be person on the receiving end of that (and I am not by any means 'avoidant').

If you need constant reassurance like this, the other person in the relationship feels like they're walking on eggshells all the time and it's just stressful and suffocating.

To be honest, I think you need to work on your attachment issues before you embark on a relationship, because it's really not OK to keep asking for endless reassurance like this. It is paranoid to carry on like that.

He may go off you, he may laugh at you to his mates, he may not.

You u cant live your life wondering what he is thinking and doing and asking him for reassurance that he wont.

You take the man at face value or you leave him alone.