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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Question things after?

34 replies

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:31

Hi, a few weeks ago I asked my husband to leave. I was tired of him going out all the time and not helping me with the kids and around the house. After a few weeks he told me that he fancied somebody at work and it really bothered me, to the point where I have started questioning if I did the right thing. He has stayed over the odd night and it has been really nice, kids have adjusted really well etc. I really do think we could work on things as we do get on, I am just worried that things will slip back to how they was and the only reason I am doing this is because I dont want somebody else to have him. He told me he only said this to get at me but it still plays on my mind. Another thing that bothers me is that he is extremely sexual, I cant bend over without him smacking my bum or walk past him without a cuddle and it is draining, I do love him, he has asked me to come over tonight but I really dont want to go because he will pester me for sex, I just feel he cant keep his hands off me which maybe some women would absolutely love, but I loathe it.

OP posts:
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FictionalCharacter · 21/12/2023 18:07

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:11

Before we split, I went to my MIL for advice as we have always been very close. She told me that she does everything around the house too and so does my SIL and unfortunately this is part of being a mother/wife.

Look. Stop it. He treats you like dirt. You can’t stand him. All of us here understand why you can’t stand him. He’s horrible and a twat, his mother and sister are also twats. Stop listening to them.

As a PP said, stop being a wet lettuce. You keep on with this “why do I feel jealous” stuff. It isn’t because he’s good for you and it was a great relationship. It’s because you’re grieving for the great relationship that you never had. It’s because he might be starting a new relationship and you don’t have one. Taking him back won’t make you feel better.

GodDammitCecil · 21/12/2023 16:33

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:43

I really didnt want to bring the kids up on my own, they havent even questioned why he has gone and when I suggest staying with him they dont want to. I remember always wanted my dad around when I was younger so this is alien to me. AIBU to find being constantly felt up draining, he just pulls my bra down randomly etc I literally hate it. If I dont retaliate he feels unloved and he said most women would love this.

There are lots of threads on here from women living with sex pests, and every single one of them, without exception, hates it.

couchparsnip · 21/12/2023 16:21

I wouldn't listen to anything his family say to you to be honest. None of them sound reasonable.
Presumably he doesn't harass SIL so she doesn't have all the information. Neither does his mum or anyone else who is telling you you're in the wrong.

Listen to yourself. You know you did the right thing.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 16:15

I also dont think putting ONE set of clothes in a bag outside was unreasonable and nasty? maybe I am wrong though?

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 16:14

Its really bad, he literally has a constant erection, I cannot keep up with it. He plays with the kids really well but they do not miss him when he isnt here, they never ask for him. It just isnt how I thought it would be, I wanted a solid family unit for my children. My SIL said that she would be very happy for her kids to have a father like H as although he isnt perfect, he isnt out meeting other women, doing drugs etc. Is the bar really that low that I should just put up with it?

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Whataretheodds · 21/12/2023 15:00

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:12

Yes I suppose it does, I just completely crumbled when he mention this OW

Which is how he wanted you to feel. He told you (or made it up) so you would let him back in again. But you want to actively avoid walking past this man.

That's not a marriage. It's not a partnership.

Whataretheodds · 21/12/2023 14:59

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:11

Before we split, I went to my MIL for advice as we have always been very close. She told me that she does everything around the house too and so does my SIL and unfortunately this is part of being a mother/wife.

NOPE

pretzelbreath · 21/12/2023 14:55

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:55

I know but I think he feels entitled because of that, and makes me feel like I should enjoy it when I really really dont.

No one is entitled to touch your body! It doesn't matter if you're married to this loser or not. He's sexually harassing and assaulting you! Bin him!

auburnglow788 · 21/12/2023 14:48

There is no other woman, he used that to get at you and it worked. Once you split up and you gain control over your own body and space again, you can work on building up your self confidence. Eventually, there may well be another woman in his life, but she'll end up going through what you're going through now and you need to remember that that's sad for her and not something for you to be jealous of.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:26

I asked him if he fancied the woman from work and he said what do I want to know for, so I can go back to not wanting him again?

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:22

A few nights before I kicked him out, he told me I would have to pay all the bills etc myself that month, following that I put his work stuff in a bag and put it at the front door and locked the door so he couldnt get in. I woke up to abuse of SIL saying how evil I was and imagine somebody did that to my son. I on the other think it was quite tame.

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Ilovemyshed · 21/12/2023 14:16

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:09

Gaslighting how? Im really not sure what that means. Thanks everyone I need to hear this

Gaslighting because he is denying your opinion all the time, even though you have a right to i and your own choices.

Ilovemyshed · 21/12/2023 14:15

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:11

Before we split, I went to my MIL for advice as we have always been very close. She told me that she does everything around the house too and so does my SIL and unfortunately this is part of being a mother/wife.

What an utterly dysfunctional family.

Ilovemyshed · 21/12/2023 14:14

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:50

I know but I am his wife arent I?

Its still sexual harassment if it is not consensual, same as it is rape if he coerces you to have sex if you say no.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:12

Yes I suppose it does, I just completely crumbled when he mention this OW

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:12

I was strong enough to make the decision in the first place I need to stick to it,

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Thementalloadisreal · 21/12/2023 14:11

Sounds like very blurred boundaries if you’ve asked him to leave but he’s still coming round and touching you up.

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:11

Before we split, I went to my MIL for advice as we have always been very close. She told me that she does everything around the house too and so does my SIL and unfortunately this is part of being a mother/wife.

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 14:09

Gaslighting how? Im really not sure what that means. Thanks everyone I need to hear this

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ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 14:05

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:51

I literally cant even walk past him. I try to avoid it all costs and am relieved when he leaves again.

Good grief.

FUCKING LISTEN TO YOURSELF! Can you seriously not see how dysfunctional this relationship is? Stop being such a wet lettuce and tell him to fuck off out of your life forever. He's horrible and you feel harassed by him in your own home. He's gaslighting you and essentially sexually assaulting you EVEN AFTER YOU'VE SPLIT UP. Have some bloody dignity and stop being so passive.

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 14:02

He isn't going to change. He isn't going to stop going out, he isn't going to start pulling his weight around the house or being a better dad, and he isn't going to stop groping you.

Not really sure why you've continued to sleep with him after dumping him. He's using you for sex.

MahShinyShoes · 21/12/2023 13:57

he said most women would love this.

You don't & you're the only one that matters here.
(FWIW I certainly wouldn't love it one bit.)

Look, he made you jealous & it worked, but in reality nothing has changed.

You don't enjoy his sex-pestering to the point of avoiding him, he's a lazy arse & ultimately you're messing with the kids heads whether they seem 'well adjusted' or not, it must be very confusing.

What have you gained by him coming back?

Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:56

Why was I so hurt about this woman he fancied, it completely threw me, I couldnt stop thinking about them together after that and thought it as maybe because I still loved him?

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Original poster
Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:55

I know but I think he feels entitled because of that, and makes me feel like I should enjoy it when I really really dont.

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FictionalCharacter · 21/12/2023 13:53

Sheilaswheelz · 21/12/2023 13:50

I know but I am his wife arent I?

This is not making sense. Do you think that because you’re his wife he has the right to grope you incessantly?
You asked him to leave. You don’t have to be his wife any more, that’s why divorce is a thing.