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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral dilemma

42 replies

Funeral101 · 20/12/2023 16:04

I think iabu and need my head a good wobble, my Nan died a few weeks ago. She had a lot of health conditions and it wasn’t a surprise. My Nan was not a nice person, she was abusive to the ones she did not like (myself included).

The funeral will be next month due to a backlog and prior commitments. I’ve been told I will not be able to ride in the funeral cars as there is no space for me. Despite my cousins and their partners, uncle, my parents, my siblings and my nieces and nephews riding in there. I’ve been told to get a taxi to the funeral if I wish to attend.

Aibu to feel a little bit hurt over this? It’s causing all the feelings of being a child and told I was not good enough.

Would you attend the funeral?

OP posts:
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Terrrence · 20/12/2023 19:18

I wouldn't care less about the funeral car. I also wouldn't be going to the funeral. You despise the woman even in death. I would not be paying respects to a narcissistic abuser I did not like on any level. Go out with your friends. Have a good night.

PermanentTemporary · 20/12/2023 19:13

I'm so sorry you are facing this.

I think you should focus entirely on whether you want to be there or not, either for your own reasons, or to support someone else. If I felt that I wanted to be there, I would go (and would slightly welcome the ability to be completely independent from others about when arrived and left). If you don't want to be there, don't go.

I do think they've been clumsy and rude to you. I got into a tangle with funeral cars at DHs funeral - they do cost hundreds of pounds each and it suddenly looms very large in terms of who is going into which car. I ended up making someone very angry when I was just desperately trying to get a very frail uncle who recovered from an illness in time for the funeral into a car with someone who could help him in and out of it. I regret upsetting the other person very much. It's not something you think about beforehand.

So I would ignore it. Decide if you want to go separately from that issue.

Dacadactyl · 20/12/2023 19:07

I'd be ringing my mum and dad up asking wtf they're playing at.

ChrisPriss · 20/12/2023 19:03

Funerals are mostly for the benefit of the bereaved family and you are being treated badly by yours.
I think you have done the right thing by deciding not to go and I wish you peace and happiness.

KaySararSarar · 20/12/2023 18:33

I appreciate your dilemma, your ‘family’ have now put you in a position where you can not win either way.

  1. You tell them you’d feel humiliated with travelling separately from your whole family = you are making a fuss over nothing…have you no heart?
  2. You don’t attend because of their behaviour = you are disrespectful and have no heart.
XmasPartyhat · 20/12/2023 18:29

I don't think your nan was the only member of your family who was abusive towards you by the looks of it.

Princessfluffy · 20/12/2023 18:24

Could you either drive yourself or get a lift with someone else?

MulledWineBeMine · 20/12/2023 18:18

FlyingCherub · 20/12/2023 16:54

I don't have any contact with most of my extended family after my Dad passed away this year. All they did was cause me stress and heartache, and didn't offer one single ounce of support. The final straw was arranging a funeral that wasn't really what I felt Dad would have wanted and they were still causing waves - so I put my foot down, arranged a private cremation and laid Dad to rest with the people in his life that he wanted round him in his final days. Fuck the lot of them.

I don't regret it for one moment. People who make you feel unhappy have no place in your life Flowers

Well done you!!

@Funeral101

Good decision!!

YOU should have been a priority for a funeral car, not cousins partners.

Your parents not treating you & your siblings differently is shit, but I expect this isn't the first time! As for them not treating you right then tell you not to make a fuss....

when they react to you not going, just say you're doing as asked and not making a fuss, if they want a fuss they can have one & Id let loose with their shit treatment!!

Do something nice for yourself on the day (take the day off work 'for the funeral' process her death & how fucking awful your family are treating you and then go as low contact as you can with your parents & anyone else responsible for this!! Or anyone else who is a twat!!

your cousins may not know that you've been left out, so don't blame them all, stay in contact with any nice ones!!

Americano75 · 20/12/2023 17:58

Would I fuck go.

sixthvestibule · 20/12/2023 17:35

I was in your situation. I went to the funeral and asked to say a few words. I chose them carefully!

Topseyt123 · 20/12/2023 17:30

I think you are doing the right thing by not going. I wouldn't go either. I don't see why you would want to spend any time at all with these people who clearly don't respect you.

Original poster
Funeral101 · 20/12/2023 17:25

@fairislecable oh I wish I could do this!

Im going to hold my head high and not attend. I won’t forgive or forget what has happened though. I now know I’m ostracised from my immediate family and I don’t think I can get over that hurt.

I will say though my Nan was a narcissist, before it even became popular and it’s sad how it has continued.

OP posts:
fairislecable · 20/12/2023 17:19

I would hire a very plush car and drive myself, ( large or sporty). I would also be dressed in amazing designer clothes (hired).

Do not explain anything if requested just smile.

Yes it would cost me but it would give me so much pleasure it would be worth it 😁

FlyingCherub · 20/12/2023 16:54

I don't have any contact with most of my extended family after my Dad passed away this year. All they did was cause me stress and heartache, and didn't offer one single ounce of support. The final straw was arranging a funeral that wasn't really what I felt Dad would have wanted and they were still causing waves - so I put my foot down, arranged a private cremation and laid Dad to rest with the people in his life that he wanted round him in his final days. Fuck the lot of them.

I don't regret it for one moment. People who make you feel unhappy have no place in your life Flowers

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2023 16:49

VWT5 · 20/12/2023 16:45

Was your Nan the mother of your father or mother?…….I would be wanting to have a one to one chat with whichever was my parent.
You also presumably want to support your parent in their loss and they support you in yours.
It sounds like a practical decision has been made by the family (re number of vehicles) - rather than an emotional decision - taking into account your actual feelings perhaps?

If my only option was to go by taxi, I would probably do that, but deliberately not engage with anyone, be seen, and be seen to leave alone directly after.

So what support would that give anyone?

It would just make the OP feel even worse!

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2023 16:48

Funeral101 · 20/12/2023 16:04

I think iabu and need my head a good wobble, my Nan died a few weeks ago. She had a lot of health conditions and it wasn’t a surprise. My Nan was not a nice person, she was abusive to the ones she did not like (myself included).

The funeral will be next month due to a backlog and prior commitments. I’ve been told I will not be able to ride in the funeral cars as there is no space for me. Despite my cousins and their partners, uncle, my parents, my siblings and my nieces and nephews riding in there. I’ve been told to get a taxi to the funeral if I wish to attend.

Aibu to feel a little bit hurt over this? It’s causing all the feelings of being a child and told I was not good enough.

Would you attend the funeral?

No. Not a chance

And I'm sorry you're being treated so badly

VWT5 · 20/12/2023 16:45

Was your Nan the mother of your father or mother?…….I would be wanting to have a one to one chat with whichever was my parent.
You also presumably want to support your parent in their loss and they support you in yours.
It sounds like a practical decision has been made by the family (re number of vehicles) - rather than an emotional decision - taking into account your actual feelings perhaps?

If my only option was to go by taxi, I would probably do that, but deliberately not engage with anyone, be seen, and be seen to leave alone directly after.

iljafjpr · 20/12/2023 16:40

I see you have decided not to go.
You don't have to go to any funeral you don't want to go to. It sounds like your nan was horrible to you so why go along to a funeral celebrating her life etc. There is no need for you to go.

Why are your parents excluding you from the funeral car? Because they are presumably the ones organizing this? Maybe you need to look at these relationships too?

LlynTegid · 20/12/2023 16:37

In a way, would your nan wanted you to be there, had she made her wishes about her funeral known before her death? Though the same could be said about others in your family, and singling you out is unreasonable.

Original poster
Funeral101 · 20/12/2023 16:34

@Spencer0220 yes I’m the only one.

@Inertia I have no idea, all I have been told is not to make a big deal about it. It would cost too much money for another funeral car. the worst thing is my nieces and nephews did not even know her.

When I talk to my parents I can’t even say how I feel as even though they were abused (I can’t say which family member as it’s too outing). They just say that she was their mum and they have lost their mum and how hard this is for my sibling who was one of the golden children.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 20/12/2023 16:30

Inertia · 20/12/2023 16:27

Why don't your parents have your back over this?

It seems breathtakingly cruel that your parents and siblings would exclude you.

This!

Op I'd be reevaluation relationships with them all.

Inertia · 20/12/2023 16:27

Why don't your parents have your back over this?

It seems breathtakingly cruel that your parents and siblings would exclude you.

Grimpo · 20/12/2023 16:27

toomuchfaff · 20/12/2023 16:16

Just because someone died, doesn't mean you have to go to the funeral. You attend a funeral to celebrate the life of that person, to say goodbye, to comfort the ones left behind, to share the stories of old, to see people celebrate the life of the deceased and see them in their eyes, to share your grief in a safe space where everyone is grieving the loss etc.

If you didn't like the woman; if she was nasty and abusive, then why would you go? Especially as it seems you're being ostracised from the family group.

If it was me I'd have other plans that day, from what picture your story paints I'd not be going to the funeral.

Have they explained why people like cousins' partners get to go in the funeral cars and you don't?

Spencer0220 · 20/12/2023 16:25

Are you the only family member not allowed in one of the cars?

henrysugar12 · 20/12/2023 16:24

toomuchfaff · 20/12/2023 16:16

Just because someone died, doesn't mean you have to go to the funeral. You attend a funeral to celebrate the life of that person, to say goodbye, to comfort the ones left behind, to share the stories of old, to see people celebrate the life of the deceased and see them in their eyes, to share your grief in a safe space where everyone is grieving the loss etc.

If you didn't like the woman; if she was nasty and abusive, then why would you go? Especially as it seems you're being ostracised from the family group.

If it was me I'd have other plans that day, from what picture your story paints I'd not be going to the funeral.

This is so true. I didn't go to my grandmothers funeral as I felt it would be hypocritical.

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