Three year old calling my child uncle’s stepchild

They are putting a divide between your children and your DH is looking the other way because he (understandably) likes that he and his brother have matching sons.

It can be hard to accept when people you love do shitty things, I think that's why bad behaviour gets explained away in families so often. But the dessert, the gift, the factor that a 3 year old sees a little girl as "uncles stepdaughter" is not something DH should be getting on board with. He married you and your daughter, there needs to be his priority. If the family treat you well the cousin relationship can still blossom, but it can't be put above the family DH a has primary reposibility to (and that includes your son too because it's a terrible lesson for him to see just lovely sister get sidelined by family).

I could cry for your daughter OP. Fucking horrible people excluding a child like that!!

You have a DH problem

Bil/Sil sound horrible, your DH is the one who needs to speak to them and explain that you're a family and if they cannot treat your DD as such you won't be visiting again.
What a disgraceful way to treat a child that they've know for 3/4 years.

Your daughter was treated very poorly. I would absolutely bring it up and I wouldn't give 2 shits if it caused a row. I also wouldn't be honoring their invitations ever again if they can't treat your daughter equally. She's a child ffs.

Also, I'm surprised by your husband's reaction to be honest. It's a bit suspect to me how nonchalant he's being about this. You need to explore that further OP.

Your poor dd, what a horrible way to be treated.
The child is just picking up on what the adults are saying.
How can anyone decent exclude a child like this? How cold and calculated.
No dessert? What kind of people only make enough for the number of people coming? What if someone wanted seconds? Not enough chairs? Ask a neighbour or go to Argos and buy a folding chair! What terrible hosts!
As for the not buying your dd a present that’s plain nasty. Even if your dd wasn’t going to their house they should still buy her a gift. Any decent person would have a gift wrapped and ready - she’s part of the family too. Do they buy her birthday gifts?
Your DH needs to say something. In the meantime I wouldn’t be making any effort with these people.

They didn’t even make her a dessert? And the gift!! I’d be fuming!
This does need addressing before it gets worse and your daughter picks up on it, she’s a member of their family and they should treat her the same as her little brother.

How does your husband view and treat your daughter? He needs to impress upon his family the children must be treated equally.

I'd be upset by this whole thing, and with DH's attitude. Does he not treat her like a daughter? His lack of seeing this as an issue goes to show that his family do not see her as part of the family.

I'd be having talks with my DH about this and would also tell BIL/SIL how disappointed you are to have treated your daughter as an outcast, or words to that affect. Shame on them treating a child like this.

So if your mil referred to you as dhs wife and not your name it wouldn't bother you?

You're right to be upset. He wouldn't call your 3 year old Uncle's Son would he? It's excluding a rude.

Also they should have got her a gift. I know it was last minute her coming but surely they could have quickly grabbed something.

You have a DH problem here. My IL were never like this but my DH would never have stood for it if they were. Does your DH not see your DD as family??

A three year old wouldn't refer to someone as "uncle Sam's stepdaughter" unless that's how she is referred to by others. My 4 year old calls his much older cousin "aunty" because that's what he hears other kids call her. He wouldn't even know to think about "steps" come to think of it, because we don't explicitly point it out.

This OP if your dh does not put a stop to this he is as bad as they are. Your poor little girl. They are horrible people.

I don’t understand how he even knows that your DD is your DH’s stepdaughter given that you have clearly been with with your DH since before he was born. I don’t understand why he doesn’t just think of them both as his cousins. The only explanation is that the distinction has intentionally been explained to him. If that is the case then why? If not to just “other” your DD.

I agree with you, this would all leave a very bad taste in my mouth and I would have to either say something or distance myself completely.

That is appalling behaviour from them. I would invite them over and serve everyone desert except either BIL and SIL, whichever isn't blood related to DH. Then give everyone a box-of chocolates, apart from BIL/SIL.

Your poor DD, what utter arseholes.

Really???

Also, forgot to say that your husband sets the tone for the relationship going forward. If he accepts it now, expect to keep being treated in the same way. Like the PP said row or not, he needs to deal with it. Even if it's a simple comment that suggests it would have been nice if they'd included X (his step daughter) as she's only little and is hurt, he treats her like his daughter and so should they. It doesn't need to turn into a row, just state facts.

No one else was there and there's usual body language, tone of voice etc that aids in your decision to feel offended by something or not. I'd trust your gut and say that your husbands family are being twats and he's chosen you, and your daughter- it's a package deal and if his family are going to treat her differently he needs to deal with it. Does he treat her differently?
I'd urge you to nip this nonsense in the bud; insulting your daughter is insulting you- and if that's not enough for your husband to take a stand, it's going to be a long road of drama from his family and him not standing up for you, let alone your daughter.

You need to nip this in the bud now, row or not. They clearly did not want her her there and were not subtle about it; the no chairs comment, no dessert, no gift. All could have been easily provided for if they had made a slight effort.

Two days is plenty to have fitted her in.

Even though she wasn’t originally going to be there, I would have expected them to buy her a present for you to take home to her. And even if not, 2 days gives time for an Amazon delivery of a book or two.

The pudding may have been already planned/made, but she could have quickly made or bought a “children’s pudding” so it didn’t look like anyone was missing out.

They may not have had a spare chair (sometimes squeezing every one in is tricky) but making it a big deal is off. They could have just asked you to bring one of your dining/kitchen chairs. (I know you offered, and it seems chairs weren’t an issue in the end, so a bit of an insincere objection.)

The “step daughter” thing might be innocuous. But with everything else added up, I’m not surprised it felt hurtful to you.

Speaking to your DH at the time probably wasn’t the right moment. I would speak to him about it now, as you will want him on board for fielding this kind of situation in the future.

It may be that your BIL and SIL never accept your DD as one of the family, and you can’t make them, but you can make sure she doesn’t suffer too much because of it.

She was definitely sidelined by the adults.

DH cant actually atop you raising it with them. If it creates and atmosphere at least you know where you stand and can make choices to avoid hurting your daughters feelings.

@JaneBingleyNetherfield

You need to allow your DH to know just how much this has hurt you and your daughter. That he needs to decide whether he agrees with his brother's attitude or not.

You need to know. Your daughter deserves the father figure in her life to actually like her enough to stand up for her.

Your ILs are nasty people and nobody hearing this story would blame you for harbouring resentment and wanting to distance yourself and your daughter from such unpleasant twats.

Hopefully your DH will come to his senses. Shit like this can become poisonous in a relationship. Don't let it fester.

This 💯, who would do that to a 7 year old .. I'd be more upset their did this that a three year old calling her a step child .. don't sound like nice people at all

I'd have said something at the time. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. My DH would have backed me up. To give the other 2 DC gifts and not your DD is unforgivable and as for not giving her a dessert it's just plain rude. I'd have matched out with her to a shop and bought her a dessert and taken it back to their house. No one would treat my DD or any of my DC like that and get away with it. My DC are from my first marriage. My youngest was 8 when I married DH he and his whole family have always treated them as if they were his DC. I wouldn't have married him if that would not have been the case. I told him early on in our relationship that me and my DC come as a package deal. He and his family were always happy with that. My DC are adults now and my MiL loves it when one of my DC pops in to see her. She is 82 and not good mobility and my son's drive 150 miles each way to take her for a cream tea. My DC have never forgotten my PiL kindness to them.