Three year old calling my child uncle’s stepchild

Another thing my eldest dd is the only step child in the family. She's been in the family since she was 2 years old and absolutely no one has ever treated her any different in all the 29 years. It wouldn't even be mentioned.

I'm so glad I have the family and friends I do. No child would ever be made to feel unwelcome no matter how short notice. Why didn't one of the adults give up their pudding or within the 2 days notice to and buy/make another one. How can any feeling person hand over gifts to two children and leave a third one out! Crumbs it's horrible to think how she felt. THiS would be my issue more than what the little boy said. Although that just tops off what the grown ups really think. Poor girl. Sorry one more thing 😂 As for the lack of chairs, in our family we've always improvised. I still have the Lloyd loom laundry basket that my absolutely darling MIL would get from the bathroom for a seat at the dining table. Along with other sort of seating as the family grew! There's 21 of us now (dhs family) and we all still manage to meet up together at in-laws house though the chairs are mostly matching now 😂

How much notice did you give that dd was coming?
Does she make lots of noise or take over play?

My kids have a cousin who is my SILs step child. We call her a cousin but my kids also know she's their aunties step child as sometimes she doesn't come to family gatherings if she is with her mum so we have to explain why one cousin (step child) won't be there but the other one will (bio child). I don't think it's derogatory. I wouldn't be impressed about the present/dessert situation though.

I don’t think this is enough OP, not “next time I’ll check”

you make it completely clear, 100% crystal, that if your daughter is ever treated like a second thought / poor relation / inconvenience then you will not entertain his family in any capacity and that if he doesn’t back you up you’ll be reconsidering the relationship.

There is no chance I would ever stand someone treating my child like this. (Not talking about the 3yo, he is clearly just repeating what he has heard).

No matter how beautifully BIL and SIL behave or perfectly they do things, they have it within themselves to exclude a 7yo girl. That makes them ugly.

Make it clear to DH that you will not accept anyone treating your dd like a second class citizen. Don't accept any furthe rinvitations or invite them until BIL/SIL understand this.

They don't have to love your dd like a niece but they do need to treat her like part of the family.

That is horrible. She might be a step child but I assume she’s been in op dh life for 4 years at least so since she was 3 herself or younger? How could you not bond with a child that age? She might not be his but I would be concerned that he didn’t stick up for her/you or even realise how shitty they’ve been to your child and you in turn. This is this sons SISTER not a random 7 year old he found on the way there.

id avoid them in future tbh. Tell your husband if he and his brother are that ‘close’ then he needs to respect his family. I could not behave this way to a 7yo child she’s just a little girl and not to get her a gift at all? So your husbands brother and wife have never bought her anything? All my ex family gave to my kids and our kids and did even after we split they call grandparents grandma and grandad

She’s seven, they were hardly going to leave her home alone were they? She did not have to be expressly invited. They were probably happy that she was going to have been with her granny on the day in question, and annoyed when that fell through, as they obviously want to ignore her existence. It was absolutely out of order for them to be going round telling their three year-old that she wasn’t invited.

That said, no 7 year old girl wants to be sent off to play in another room with two 3 year old boys. Would have been better to have taken an iPad for her or something.

OP, you should be having a serious word with your husband about the value in which he and his family hold your daughter. He should have torn his brother off a strip as soon as the chairs thing came up, and the dessert and presents should have provoked a reaction too, not just sending you off out of the way. What a pair of shits the brother and wife are, but I would not be surprised if they are taking their lead form comments made by your husband to them in private.

I don’t think I’d trust them to be kind so I’d limit how much my child saw there’s and try to be the host rather than the guest. I’d always bring extra dessert for everyone when I visited to “help” and if there was ever a chair issue give my child the chair and bring a very uncomfortable looking stool for myself.

OP - What happens when it’s your dd’s birthday? What happened last Christmas?

Exactly this, they could have gone to the local Tesco & bought her a little toy or a book or gone on Amazon & had something delivered the next day. Unless they live up a mountain in the middle of nowhere there is really no excuse for leaving a child out like this

@Notimeforaname
While I agree it was cruel to not include her in the presents, she wasn't invited and you took her along anyway.
OP gave them two days notice her DD would coming, plenty time for extra dessert and a wee gift, they were nasty and petty to a young child.

I think next time there is any invitation I am going to establish whether my daughter will be treated equally

While I agree it was cruel to not include her in the presents, she wasn't invited and you took her along anyway.

These people dont seem very nice and they dont seem to be thinking about a relationship with your daughter.
I would not be bringing my child back there again to sit through that.

Maybe the way forward is letting your husband take son there from now on and on those days you do something lovely with your daughter so she doesn't have to deal with that again?

They aren't very nice people OP

I was a stepdaughter from age 3-13, stepdad was from a massive family and I was always treated the same as my younger siblings (their real blood relatives) by everyone in the family. I was always cousin, niece, granddaughter and never called "step" anything. I was always invited to all the party's and houses to play, got Xmas/birthday gifts and when my mum and SD split I was treated the same.

I feel extremely sorry for your poor DD, how can they basically ostracise a small child? It's hardly her fault she's a "step" child. I'd have to say something and if they continued with their shitty treatment of her I'd have nothing to do with them.

You need to sit your H down and remind him in plain language that your daughter is part of his family, and that you expect him to remind his brother and brother's wife of that fact.

Tell him you expect your two children to be treated as equals by him and by his extended family - as a mark of respect for you.

Tell him anything less than complete equality of treatment for both of your children is completely unacceptable, and you expect him to convey that message to his brother.

YYY to this.

A three year old referring to a 7 year old as uncles stepdaughter is learned behaviour.
SIL and BIL obviously have a problem and their little one has picked up on it.
The fact that your husband doesn’t see a problem is fucking awful.

It wouldn’t have been hard to run out and get a box of chocolates for an unexpected guest.

If you want to stoop to their level you could start referring to your nephew as your husband’s nephew to his parents.

I would understand it was a last minute and they felt a bit thrown. But the chairs excuse is ridiculous as is not having enough dessert and the presents were cruel.

I'd be furious, it would be the only time I put my dd in that position. And if my dh didn't call them out on their behaviour I would be fuming with him too.

It's not about treating your dd the same, it's reasonable they have a different relationship with her. But to blatantly display that infront of her and clearly behind her back is unacceptable.

@SapphireOpal
he's being factual
a 3 yr old never dreamt up 'uncle johns step daughter' rather than just say Sophie, he's heard that from his nasty parents who cannot use a child's name, a child who has been in the family longer than their son has been alive!

The stepchild comment has come from the parents. I have been with my partner since his niece was 3. She is now 11. It’s only recently that she has realised my DP is not my eldest’s dad, she asked why my DS doesn’t call him dad so we explained. It’s just never come up in conversation around her my DS has always just been her cousin.

In regard to the gift they could have given her some cash, run to the shop and got her a voucher or even some chocs! It’s just rude. The chair comment is bizarre and quite clear they didn’t want her to come

OP you are not being overly sensitive at all.

Your DD was treated terribly by BIL's family and was dehumanised.

I have been both step child and mother of a child from a previous relationship and my DH would never treat my child or allow my child to be treated like this.

Your primary responsibility is to protect your DD and show her that you will never stand by and let her be treated badly.

I would tell DH that, from now on, neither of your children will have contact with BIL and his family unless they apologise.

If he doesn't agree, I'd divorce him. And that's the honest truth.

I'm so sorry that you and your DD were treated so unkindly.

@JaneBingleyNetherfield oh your poor daughter

No gift, and not even making sure there was enough dessert?

Yeah, I'd be really angry about that.

They are shitty people. You don't do that to a child.

I would have to say something to them.

Doesn't have to be aggressive, just factual.

"Hey,

That was really disappointing.

You've made your feelings about my daughter not being a blood relation quite clear. But to have a 7 year old child in your house at Christmas and not get them a small gift, and leave them to watch while the other kids open theirs? And to not even have enough dessert so that she has to share?! Come on now, I thought you were better than that.

I'd hope you would come to your senses and offer a sincere apology for this. Otherwise we will obviously have to co-ordinate future events so that my daughter is not in your company again.

Let me know how you would like to proceed."

Sorry they were so shitty, big hug to your daughter

Come off it. No three year old calls a relative a "step child" unless that is how they commonly hear the child in question described when around their parents.

I only responded to another poster before, to point out a 3 year old really wouldnt naturally refer to her as "uncles step daughter" but now I keep thinking about it. Your poor daughter. I've realised I'd also be absolutely livid that this is the example being set to your younger child too. Every child should think they're special, but not superior to their siblings which is how this would have danger ending up.

My paternal grandparents always made it obvious my brother wasn't "family". He was younger than me but had to come when my mother took me to visit. I actually remember thinking "If I can see it as a kid this must be horrible for my mum". I didn't like them for it, but i wouldn't expect a 3 year old to see all that!!

The whole thing sounds awful. Why couldn't they make the desserts stretch? No chair? No present? My god.

The small child has obviously heard them saying that your daughter wasn't invited!! Absolute arseholes, how bloody awful.

You are not being unreasonable.