Three year old calling my child uncle’s stepchild

The 'stepdaughter' comment on its own I might have overlooked, but the fact it was combined with pointing out that she 'wasn't invited' (again not typical 3 year old phrasing or thinking) to me strongly implies that he is repeating a phase he's heard his parents say. Again the lack of dessert and worries about space I might overlook, but coupled with excluding her from the presents I think there is a clear pattern of exclusion.

Ok I get that they weren’t expecting her. But don’t make up bs about chairs, just say ‘of course she’s welcome, but I got the boys presents!’ Then they either find something to wrap up for DD or you offer to, or you hold off on the presents.

douchy remarks were not needed. People that can’t love step kids like kids are monsters. I’m sorry you’re stuck with them.

totally worth the row. Icky feeling your husband isn’t standing up for your daughter.

You've been together at least 3 years so this can't be the first time you've noticed that your DD is being treated differently. I'm more shocked by your DH though. He has known your daughter since she was tiny, presumably she doesn't really remember a time when he wasn't the father figure in her life. But he doesn't regard her as his daughter does he or he wouldn't have stood for this.
You have a DH problem.
Put another way. DH is part of a family tribe, you are accepted as his partner, your DD is barely tolerated. Are you ok with that for the rest of your lives?

Sorry to be blunt but you know who I thinks to blame…you.
You took you oldest daughter and offered to take a chair where she was clearly not invited or welcome. How on earth could you do that to her!!
Id never allow my child to be treated like that, no present..she’ll remember that humiliation forever!
Also my husband would never allow it comment… 😂
take your children and run your been brainwashed that this is normal.
Id not get a poll of if I was unreasonable I’d of kicked my husband out to live with his much loved brother and family.

Aww you poor child - does DH not consider her his child.

I agree. You don't make any children feel excluded just because they're not your blood relatives or you hadn't planned for them.

Yanbu, they treated her SO badly. I would never ever have them around her again. This is one fight I would be willing to have with your dh. They sound really, awful to do that to her.

YANBU
’Other’-ing anyone is unkind. Doing it to a child and teaching kids to do it too is appalling. TBH I don’t care what the nature of a relationship is in this case, adults should not act like this.
If there is a specific reason why having your oldest child attending was a problem they should have been explicit and worked with you to get around it. Your DH needs to man up and stop this bullying of a child.

Definitely a non inclusive vibe. Not cool. Rude to you and your daughter.

If I was the BIL/SIL the step niece would have been bought a present regardless or whether she was going to be present on Xmas day or not.

and the response to the plan change would have been how lovely. And between everyone seats would have been sorted.

If your husband won’t speak to his brother. You can hold a boundary of not doing family events together where possible.

It is bad hosting to not make a person in general feel welcome, and just bad human-ship to let a child feel less-than. Quite ironic as Christmas is all about providing for an unexpected child's arrival.

Your DH needs to set his DB straight, that DD is a full and equal part of the family, not the surplus spoiler of their 'boy cousins growing up together-fantasy' they seem to perceive her as.

I can’t work out my mother’s side of the family. One baby was apparently left in a basket outside the door with the milk (?) so… one of the boys was the father. Not the one who actually raised her I think. Then the whole extended clan I believe maybe from a previous marriage and nothing to do with the uncle. So I actually think we probably aren’t blood related.
doesn’t matter, we were cousins. That’s all there was to it. They wrote essays about their cousin who lives in a desert and visits them and I wrote essays about having cousins who live in the snow. I’m 43 now and we never bothered to untangle all of it

How often do you and your DD see your BIL and SIL? Is it usually just your DH and DS that visit?
I ask this because if the nephew doesn't know your DD he could have been asking where this new cousin has suddenly appeared from.
Also I don't think you should make too much fuss, you say you'd SIL likes everything perfect which means she probably has everything planned and prepared way in advance.
The better thing to do rather than add another person to a dinner party 2 days before would have been for you and your DD to stay home and do something together. After all it is you changing plans not them

This.

I have a (2nd?) cousin who was fostered by my cousin when he was 8. He's the oldest of that generation and 5 years older than the first "bio" child me and my cousins had. He came into the family when eldest was 3 and my ds was 1.

They remember no different and none of the children born after that ever knew any different and didn't really pick up on the fact he called her by name until they were much older. The explanation simply was she took him in to be her son when he was 8 as his parents were too unwell to care for him.

He's never been treated any differently and none of the children from this generation or even the adults would distinguish between him and the others.

OP I agree it's clear a 3yo is repeating what he's heard. But that doesn't mean it's been said horridly. He could have just heard his parents say "Brothers step DD". But the tone and the excluding her was absolutely cruel.

The no present for her tells it all.
I get why you are hurt.
They are excluding your DD of the family circle. I would not like that.
Truth is that your DD would get extra presents from her father's side, but I would still get her something and a card. And treating her fairly costs them nothing.

Couldn't have put it better myself. A child- should've been treated better! May also help the other children to include!

Whilst she is, it shows his family have mostly referred to her as the 'stepchild' rather than just using her name.

It's like you always referring to a family member as their place in the family rather than their name.

It's weird.

If a child came to my house on Christmas, doesn’t even have to be a family member, I would definitely make an effort to wrap something up for them. Could be anything, they don’t even have chocolate for her? Don’t go there again for Christmas, they sound mean and horrible.

My nephew has two step-children they are totally adored by the entire family.

I can't get my head around your husband's reaction, OP.

YANBU. Your daughter is just as much as part of your family as your son, and your BIL & SIL are cruel for treating her any differently- you gave 2 days notice, she should have been welcome and not had to share your dessert or missed out on a gift (either get her one last minute or skip gift giving) or their DS allowed to speak to/about her in this manner. I loathe it when people treat stepchildren like this. I have no time for people saying ‘but technically they’re not MY family’ etc.. rubbish, if your brother has a stepdaughter you have a niece- simple. Again else is mean. I’m angry for you OP, definitely call them out for this and make it clear you won’t have your daughter being made to feel inferior again.

They're in the wrong. They had two days to sort out a dessert for your DD. And using "Uncle S's stepchild" is very, very poor form. It's not the 3yo's fault, but he's just repeating what he's heard.

Step-children are apart of a family unit and should be treated as such.

Not giving her a present and a desert was mean but don’t read too much into what a 3 year old calls her.
the comment about your daughter not liking noise suggest that she is maybe a bit awkward when there and makes it difficult for the younger boys to play so maybe they deliberately invited you when your daughter wouldn’t be there to avoid the situation. While it’s not nice that she was excluded if it changes the dynamic a lot then I can see why they might do it.

OP gave them two days notice her DD would coming, plenty time for extra dessert and a wee gift, they were nasty and petty to a young child.
I absolutely agree. I said I thought they were cruel. But it was clear from the outset that they didn't want her there (complaining about extra chairs and food etc.) It would have been obvious to me that it would not be a welcoming time for the little girl.I wouldn't be bringing my child there again.

YANBU at all but if your DH doesn’t see a problem, then he is a problem. Abysmal behaviour from your SIL and BIL. The chair excuse was so poor and they had two days and couldn’t make sure that she had a dessert? I completely agree that their son wouldn’t be referring to your daughter like that unless they did. I think you’re right to address this.

YANBU its horrible behaviour by them. I can also.see why you are upset by the three year old saying his uncles stepchild wasn't invited. He must have picked it up from his parents as most children would just call her by her name or even maybe call her his cousin's sister which she is. It sounds as though the adults have been saying something like we are not inviting X because she is only your uncle's stepchild .
And not buying her a present but giving presents to the other two including their own child is cruel.

The adults have clearly been referring to her DD as the "stepchild" rather than using her name and more specifically stating outright that they hadn't invited her, therefore actively didn't want her there. otherwise the 3yo wouldn't have said it.

YANBU your DD has been a part of their family for a long time, for them to be actively trying to exclude her is fucking cruel. I'd ask them why they dislike her so much tbh. Idgaf any more.

In contrast, I've been with my DP about 6 months. Every single one of his siblings that we've seen this month has given a gift for my 2yo. DPs sisters husbands MOTHER sent a card for him, I've never met her, I've met her son twice. But they've welcomed my son because they're kind people. What excuse does an adult possibly have for deliberately excluding a child from Christmas celebrations?