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AIBU?

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Original poster

Uninvited from Christmas

36 replies

anonforthis87 · 19/12/2023 17:49

DH and I are both only children. DH's parents died years ago so it's literally just my parents left. They are in their late 60s/early 70s and in fairly good health. We live quite far from them (full day's drive, about 8 hours.) We have two young DC (1 and 5) and we both work full time, so we don't visit very often - usually 3 times a year including Christmas. I've always felt guilty about that but we can't manage more often. We would happily see them more often if they visited us, but even though they are retired whereas we are constantly busy and feeling like we're juggling too many plates, it has always been "our job" to visit as I was the one moving away and they will not stay with us..

Since retiring and Covid, my parents have basically become recluse, they don't see anyone, refuse to do video calls (despite us buying them a smartphone and showing/explaining how to use it) and when we tried to invite them on holidays with us they bailed at the last minute leaving us with their bill. However they complain that I do not call them often. I really struggle with voice-only calls especially as I'm always walking on eggshells not wanting to say something that will offend them in some way. Still, I have never missed Christmas with them (except during lockdown when they told us not to come) as it's important to me and now to my older DC.

Yesterday I got an email from my father saying he came down with the flu on Saturday so they are cancelling the Christmas get-together as the contagion risk is too high. I said I hoped he would feel better soon, but as we're all vaccinated against the flu and not at risk we're happy to take our chances - anyway hopefully he will be better after a week! Of course DH and I offered to cook, do groceries and stay at a hotel as we suspected it was the additional work they were worried about - no problem with doing any of these things.

They still don't want us to come and the reasons they give (without going into details) don't really make much sense. I wouldn't mind so much if they were honest about why. As it is I just feel sad. My 5-year-old has been looking forward to going to "grandpa and grandma's house" for Christmas. From a purely financial standpoint it's also too late to cancel the cattery so we'll be paying that anyway. AIBU to be sad and annoyed? I don't remember either set of grandparents ever cancelling Christmas when I was a child.

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Iloveshoes123 · 20/12/2023 00:35

I think it will be transformative for you staying at home with you husband and kids and you won't ever want to travel away again.
I know everyone is different but why you would want to travel 8 hours each way around Christmas is beyond me.
For me this would be a win. I know it may seem hurtful but your DF isn't well. My parents are in their 70's and they just don't have the energy to do much with my kids whereas 15-20 years ago when my sisters kids were small they were so much more able for them.

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 20/12/2023 00:27

Your father may not feel better after 1 week if it's actual flu! It can take 2 weeks or more to clear and leave you weak and tired for further weeks after.

I don't blame then for cancelling for this reason, assuming it is flu. The last thing I felt like doing when I couldnt get out of bed with flu a full week after contracting it was to play host and pretend I was OK, when I actually felt like I was dying. And I was only in my 30s then, while your father is twice my age!

In your shoes I would let them off this time and make my own plans for Christmas, but if it keeps happening and it is clear they're making things up, I would talk to them about it.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 19/12/2023 23:09

I wouldn't want visitors if I was unwell. Unfortunately it's landed on Christmas.

Your kids will be fine. They will probably prefer staying at home with new stuff anyway. It doesn't need to be a big deal for them.

Try and plan something else for the new year or something so you've still got something to look forward to.

MrsElsa · 19/12/2023 23:04

The 5 yo will be easily redirected and not think much of it assuming you take the lead in normalising the situation.

"Poor granny and granda are feeling ill so we can't visit them for Xmas, how about we make them a nice card to say get well soon?"

I get that you're feeling personally hurt but that hurt is yours, no need to transfer it to DC. Go with the flow and enjoy a free Xmas.

Allwelcone · 19/12/2023 21:38

Have you rung them and spoken to your mum?

Tomatina · 19/12/2023 21:26

This is obviously disappointing for you, but flu can last a lot longer than a week. Flu - ie real flu not just a bad cold - is a serious illness. I've had bouts of flu when it took three weeks to feel right again, and for older people it can be even more serious, with prolonged weakness. One other thing - I don't understand why you "struggle with voice-only calls". Why? And lots of people hate facetime calls (me included, I don't want people seeing me looking ratty and unmadeup with untidy room in the background!)

WhichOneGoes · 19/12/2023 21:17

I think it could be a genuine reason to cancel. Even if they are over the flu it's the fact they won't have had time to prepare. My Mum would want to cancel if she was in that position.

I don't think your son will mind if you present it to him carefully. Big up Christmas at home and say you will go and see your parents soon.

Livelovebehappy · 19/12/2023 21:12

If it is flu, as opposed to just a very bad cold, then it’s absolutely debilitating. I had flu last year. Thought I’d had it before when I’d had a cold, but definitely hadn’t as it absolutely threw me. Took me a couple of weeks to recover.

caringcarer · 19/12/2023 20:39

Theunamedcat · 19/12/2023 18:05

Speak to the cattery they might have people looking for a last minute space and can sell yours on

This. It's really disappointing but the flu can floor older people. I can remember my Dad having it for about 3 weeks and losing over a stone and a half in weight. Maybe you could go after New Year for a weekend if they felt better.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 19/12/2023 20:28

If he's got flu he will be feeling dreadful.

I wouldn't be able face hosting guests along with all the cooking and cleaning if I had flu. And he might be unwell for weeks.

Have a nice Christmas at home and make arrangements to go for Easter instead.

Toddlerteaplease · 19/12/2023 19:24

My parents uninvited me a couple of years ago. Ad my sister was getting married soon after new year. And they were worried about me giving them Covid. It really really hurt, I made the best of it and did things I enjoyed, but it was just miserable on my own.

WickDittington · 19/12/2023 19:21

If it is the real flu (not just an ordinary cold) then I'd be wanting to hibernate too. And if I were in my early 70s, I think even more so.

I think you have to get over not liking voice-only calls, and keep in touch with them in the way they fid comfortable.

But yes, it must hurt. In future, make our own Christmas plans - don't rely on anyone else. Have fun, just the 4 of you at home, or go away somewhere interesting.

JumperStars · 19/12/2023 19:05

I'm think you are being unreasonable here. As an isolated incident, I don't blame them for cancelling. I wouldn't want guests either, even if they were cooking etc.

It sounds like there is more to your feelings though, as they seem to guilt you and make little effort. That's probably making this seem bigger than it is.

TheCatterall · 19/12/2023 19:04

I have flu now and doubt I’ll be doing anything on Christmas Day now. I dont want to socialise. I don’t feel well enough. Even if others cooked I have no appetite and I certainly couldn’t bare to be around children or any noise (general chit chat etc). The lights are too bright, I just want to snooze in peace etc.

yes it’s disappointing but flu to some of us absolutely floors us and wipes us out.

cheddercherry · 19/12/2023 18:56

It sounds more like this is the straw that’s broke the camels back. It does sound like you’re more generally disappointed with your relationship that they don’t reciprocate the effort you’re trying to make and they don’t prioritise your family. BUT you can’t change that, it does seem like if they aren’t ill then they are subtly trying to stop hosting (which again is common for people their age) or if they are unwell then I do sympathise. I’ve been ill for days and am struggling with my own five year old around when I feel so rough! It’s a tricky one but I’d just take this as a start to making some traditions within your immediate family and focusing on making it special for you. Ultimately you can’t change what people want as sad as it may be.

Bumply · 19/12/2023 18:35

My PIL once cancelled us visiting them at Christmas just a week beforehand.

I was 7 months pregnant and looking forward to some relaxation.

What rankled was they used the excuse that it was too far for me to travel when that pregnant, which was obviously a made up excuse as I was still doing a 2 hour commute each way to work at the time and the drive to their place was 2.5 hours.

Fair enough if they had a genuine reason. I just didn't like it being presented as doing me a favour. We had to rush out and do food shopping at the last minute as it wasn't much notice.

cheezncrackers · 19/12/2023 18:30

I think a lot of older people get to the point where they don't really want to host Christmas any more (it's a lot of work!) and they don't want to go away either. Add flu into the mix and I expect your DF feels like death warmed up and that's why he's pulled the plug, although if he came down with it on Saturday that's 9 days before Christmas Day, so he'll probably be feeling better by then. I don't know the answer OP, particularly with you living so far from them.

My DM had a hissy fit one Christmas when my kids were little and said she was fed up of doing Christmas and didn't want to do it any more. I said 'Fine' and we've stayed at home ever since. It's been a bloody relief, I tell you and my kids much prefer being at home for Christmas anyway!

MintJulia · 19/12/2023 18:20

If they have flu, I completely understand them not wanting visitors including small children in the house.

Accept that they are poorly and leave them to recuperate in peace. Suggest getting together at Easter.

UsingChangeofName · 19/12/2023 18:17

I haven't voted as YANBU to feel sad, but if they have flu, they ANBU to not want visitors.

It seems sad that, as young and healthy retirees they do not want to travel to spend time near you and their only Grandchildren during the year though.

I don't think the Christmas thing is unreasonable, but I do think the making no effort to see their only family is. Sad

MaggieNextDoor · 19/12/2023 18:10

Create a truly magical Christmas in your own home. The cat doesn't have to go to the cattery. Buy some nice food and drink and start making your own Christmas traditions with your children.

Maybe this is your parents' way of letting you know that they no longer want to host Christmas. Perhaps they are dreaming of a Caribbean cruise next December or raising a glass on a sunny beach somewhere? Also full-blown flu is shocking. I hope your dad feel better soon.

PastorCarrBonarra · 19/12/2023 18:07

I’m in sympathy with your dad, OP. I’m recovering from a very bad cold and I would not have been up for company over the last few days, even beloved DC or grandchildren. It wouldn’t have made a difference if they’d offered to shop and cook. I just wouldn’t have been good company. Sorry.

I do feel for your disappointed DC though. I remember plans being cancelled due to illness when I was a kid, and it’s gutting and difficult to understand.

Notmetoo · 19/12/2023 18:07

It's sad and I can understand why you are upset but flu can last for a couple of weeks and wipe you out completely. Also it takes longer to get over things as you get older.
If your Dad has flu I can understand why they don't want guests at Christmas even if you cook stay elsewhere he probably just won't be up to Christmas and your mum might also come down with it.
Perhaps just enjoy Christmas with your own little family and try and visit your parents in the new year for a non Christmas Christmas when they are feeling better

Ohtobetwentytwo · 19/12/2023 18:07

I dont think you should have pushed back when they made their excuses.

Kindly, its not about you and your kids. They are backing off so just give them the space to do it. None of us know what we will be like at that age.

Theunamedcat · 19/12/2023 18:05

Speak to the cattery they might have people looking for a last minute space and can sell yours on

MatildaTheCat · 19/12/2023 18:05

It sounds as if there are underlying issues that have been brewing for a long time. Let this go and have a fun time at home- no eggshells to navigate.

In the NY I’d be trying to have an honest conversation with them about what is going on and how you miss seeing them. If you never address the issue it will get worse not better.