Bit sad after seeing ex

33 replies

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 08:32

I ended a 4 year relationship almost a month ago as my ex was hesitant about any sort of commitment despite living together for several years, wouldn't agree to a small registry office a year from now, hesitant about a mortgage together etc. and I'm approaching mid-30s, he couldn't give me even a vague timeline so I took the difficult decision to leave.
Anyway in unexpected circumstances he ended up in hospital with something potentially life-threatening, I was really worried, luckily it wasn't the thing initially suspected and thankfully something less serious, discharged that evening and so I went to help him at home as soon as he was discharged and help him out with shopping etc.
He seemed really happy to see me as was I, it was bittersweet I guess. We have been in contact prior to this but I know I cannot go back.
He doesn't seem to have changed his mind in any way, at one point a couple of weeks ago he texted saying 'Can we not make a plan?'. I said yes, what sort of plan? And he never replied to it.
He seems to have accepted things which is good but no signs of wanting commitment still.
The thing that hurt a bit was that he was talking about how he's got the deposit for a house, so he obviously does want to buy a home, he just didn't want that to be with me I assume.
Anwyay he had previously said he misses me, but he hasn't taken any actions to show he wants to commit so I know it's the right decision.
He was trying to cuddle me a lot but I know that doesn't mean anything, he likely just misses the affection as do I, my abusive previous ex also tried to do that.
Anyway it's not an AIBU just feeling a bit sorry for myself.. I don't know what I was expecting tbh. I am focusing on myself and moving on, I know I'm definitely not going back.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 09:12

Thank you everyone

OP posts:

Tandora · 19/12/2023 09:10

Hi OP, I saw your thread a few weeks back. You did everything you could to try not to leave, but he made it clear that he was not going to commit. His behaviour has been pretty shitty to be honest- dangling little bits to manipulate you, but never following through. the “can we make a plan” text is the latest of these antics.

YWVU to go help him out of hospital. These are the kind of benefits that come with being in a committed relationship that he doesn’t get to take advantage of if he’s not going to reciprocate with providing the things you need in a partner. If he knows he can have your support on tap whenever he needs it, without offering anything in return, he’s not going to value it, because that’s the kind of selfish and entitled man he seems to be.

It is totally understandable that you feel sad- the deposit on a house is especially a kick in the teeth, since he’s been feeding you the line that his lack of commitment is to do with finances.

You need to go no contact and move on. Sending strength 💪🏻. You’ll feel better with time and much sooner if you are disciplined about no contact.

Pinkyhere · 19/12/2023 09:09

You did the kind and decent thing to help him out.
Like other pps have said it's especially difficult at this time of year but don't let yourself be drawn back in. You were together for long enough for him to decide. He's shown you he can move forward with the house if HE wants to.
Him texting and then leaving you hanging and the cuddling is him wanting his cake...
If you don't want to block him, archive him or mute him so you don't feel the urgent pang to answer. He's a grown man. He doesn't want what you want. Don't let him hold you back.

Original poster

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 08:59

His family live far away and no friends were able to come and help him, I didn't want to leave him. I think him talking about the house deposit hurts particularly.. also saying can we make a plan and then not replying is frustrating.
I am confident that I will move on in time. I guess many of us have been there at some point, I will try to not take it personally.

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Cadenza12 · 19/12/2023 08:57

You did help but it seems that were hoping that he had changed his mind. He hasn't. You may be sad for losing the relationship that you want, not the one that you had with this man. It's perfectly natural. If he chooses to live alone then he has to take the good and the bad. The bad being in hospital with no-one to mop your brow. Find someone who wants what you want.

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 08:48

That is sad, especially this time of year. It was kind of you to help him.

💐

Original poster

Sandstorm33 · 19/12/2023 08:45

I only went to see him because he was in hospital, otherwise I haven't and will not be otherwise.. but you are right, it'll have to be no contact even though it's tough.

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Ablondiebutagoody · 19/12/2023 08:43

You are not unreasonable to feel sad, its perfectly natural. What is unreasonable is all this contact with him. Stop it. The texts, the meets, everything. Literally no contact. Zero.

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