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Original poster

CF Sister in Law

283 replies

DailyMailHater · 17/12/2023 21:04

SIL has been having a hard time recently, end of long term relationship and made redundant and is struggling for money , she called DH yesterday to say she has no food in the cupboards and no money.

Dh and I each pay 50/50 on household bills etc and then all other finances are separate , DH said he didn’t have much to help her at the moment, but I said I could as I have some extra this month due to Xmas bonus… so suggested we do an online food shop for her to be delivered this week, (she lives 3hrs away) , my view is she is family and if you can help out, you help out.

DH spoke to her and she said that would be really appreciated and then proceeded to send an extensive list through (first hint of CF!)

I managed to get a delivery slot with her local supermarket for Tuesday afternoon and added everything off her list - mostly tins and frozen foods so long lasting and should keep her going for a while, I then added a few extras like her fav biscuits, a bottle of wine and some flowers just to cheer her up as she is really down at the money in total it came to almost £200

DH text her and confirmed delivery date and time etc (was surprised to get a slot - Xmas week!) all good.

She has then called today and asked if we can see if we can change delivery to Tuesday morning as she has booked a last minute 2-day spa break (about 1.5hrs away from her home) to relax and de-stress from all the recent upset and needs to leave at lunch time on Tuesday to “make the most of it”

I am shocked that she feels it is ok to do this after pleading poverty - i said DH should ask where this money suddenly came from considering I have just done her food shop for her he says it is none of our business….

I am happy to help family out but this is totally taking the piss isn’t it?

OP posts:
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Dominoeffecter · 11/02/2024 15:18

BMW6 · 11/02/2024 13:48

Start a new thread instead of hitchhiking on an old one !

Waah waah

BMW6 · 11/02/2024 13:48

Start a new thread instead of hitchhiking on an old one !

WildDreamer · 11/02/2024 09:44

My sister in law copies everything i do and it’s starting to get on my nerves.
she is my boyfriend’s sister ive allways had a good relationship with her she never used to copy me but now since weve both had kids my two boys are 6 and 4 and she had a 5 year old son and 4 year old daughter she has started copying everything to the way i dress the way i decorate my house and she buys everything the same as i do for my kids if she can afford it but if she cant she will say something like she doesn’t like it and i have quite a unique style i wont buy clothes and shoes that everyone els has but she will get everything that i have a few weeks or months later, even her sister and our other sister in law has said they have noticed, ive even noticed she follows all my friends on social media’s most of them she doesn’t even know. This seems like more of a rant but i just dont know what to do

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 23/12/2023 14:06

pinkyredrose · 23/12/2023 11:02

Or, to frame it the other way, somebody whose husband has just died and all she can think about is to use it as an opportunity to pretend she's struggling to afford the essentials, so that people will give her money that she can go on a shopping spree with.

Seriously?

Yes, seriously - if you read my whole comment and not just the first part that you quoted.

Pixiewoo · 23/12/2023 13:16

Exactly id wonder if she had form before and that's why he doesn't seem bothered really!

Vonesk · 23/12/2023 12:05

I should not engage further with her at all. Otherwise it would be draining experience leading to depression. This is what I would have to do. As I have experience if dealing with people like this.
I once took a ex work colleague off the street from near homelessness. Once In my spare room, continued with asking for extra items, did not pay rent only half the time, laid in the bath for hours using ALL hot water up, then continued to moan, complain!!!!!!!!!!!! Not surprisingly, I had to grey Rock, then one month notice to quit. I COULD NOT BELIEVE HOW UNGRATEFUL A B IT WAS.

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/12/2023 11:27

ConsistentlyElectrifiedElves · 18/12/2023 16:42

I would most definitely be amending it to remove the "treats" I'd added! Flowers, wine, etc, should save you about £20!

It does sound as if SIL has realised the error of her ways and the interim solution of your DH paying you back then letting him and his family argue it out amongst themselves is the perfect result for you.

Hopefully your spa day is even better than hers!

Show quote history

It does sound as if SIL has realised the error of her ways

Realises she's got caught out, more like!

I do feel slightly sorry for her, though - a bad relationship breakdown can leave you feeling worthless and unattractive. Maybe she's trying to fill a void - this doesn't excuse her actions, but if the is unusual behaviour for her, it makes it a bit more understandable.

Agree with keeping the shopping to the basics, but I wouldn't cut off contact as long as this stayed as a one-off.

pinkyredrose · 23/12/2023 11:02

Or, to frame it the other way, somebody whose husband has just died and all she can think about is to use it as an opportunity to pretend she's struggling to afford the essentials, so that people will give her money that she can go on a shopping spree with.

Seriously?

Rewis · 23/12/2023 10:49

Based on the updates the SIL was CFish. Not a totally lost cause. She might have learned her lesson

BowlOfNoodles · 23/12/2023 10:26

Yes it is NEVER offer again

Awittyandclevername · 23/12/2023 09:25

I would be inclined to check how this has been paid for.. it’s possible she’s taken out a dodgy loan or credit card? Or has she done like a buy now pay later? Getting into debt? Maybe approach it from a place of concern perhaps everything she has told you is still true. Very kind thing of you to do to send that shop 😌

Meeesh · 23/12/2023 09:09

Before you do anything hasty find out the facts. If she is pulling the wool then, while cheeky, be the bigger person (if it doesn't significantly impact you financially)... it will be the last time you help her out I'm sure! Merry Christmas 🎅

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 23/12/2023 09:08

Fucking hell, I was reading the OP thinking it was going to be about how much food she asked for, when you said about the spa my jaw literally dropped!!

What a cheeky fucker!!

I'm glad it's sorted and she has, sort of, admitted she messed up.

My SIL did similar, pled poverty and then went to Iceland (the country, not the supermarket). Luckily DH and I hadn't given her money, and we wouldn't because we know she is shit with prioritising her spending. Weekends away instead of her mortgage payment for example.

user1492757084 · 23/12/2023 08:51

Next time order her a dozen cans of baked beans, 1 pkt Weetabix and some powdered milk.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 22/12/2023 13:02

pinkyredrose · 22/12/2023 12:43

A 'CF' who's husband had just died. Would you be thinking clearly if that happened to you?

Have some compassion ffs.

Show quote history

Or, to frame it the other way, somebody whose husband has just died and all she can think about is to use it as an opportunity to pretend she's struggling to afford the essentials, so that people will give her money that she can go on a shopping spree with.

Maybe I'm being unfair, and she was genuinely worried about being able to pay the bills - but then, as she wasn't thinking straight, when people gave her the money she did need for those bills, she went and splurged it all on treats, and probably deeply regretted it afterwards, when the bills still couldn't be paid. I don't know.

I've lost numerous family members, and I found it enough of a challenge to keep things together enough to make sure that the mundane things - such as buying food - got done. Certainly, going on a bumper shopping trip for clothes would not have been on my radar.

pinkyredrose · 22/12/2023 12:43

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 22/12/2023 11:29

Mabe you should've told her what she was 'meant' to do with the money. Why shouldn't she treat herself?

So somebody is saying how skint they are, expressing great concern about what they're going to do for money - which is clearly going to be understood as buying food, keeping the house warm, paying bills etc., as it isn't normal to be panicking about how you're going to be able to afford wholly unnecessary luxuries - and then people respond by giving you money.

Only a CF would spin somebody's kindness in stepping up to meet an expressed need into an opportunity to go out on a shopping spree and 'treat yourself' big-time.

A 'CF' who's husband had just died. Would you be thinking clearly if that happened to you?

Have some compassion ffs.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 22/12/2023 11:29

Mabe you should've told her what she was 'meant' to do with the money. Why shouldn't she treat herself?

So somebody is saying how skint they are, expressing great concern about what they're going to do for money - which is clearly going to be understood as buying food, keeping the house warm, paying bills etc., as it isn't normal to be panicking about how you're going to be able to afford wholly unnecessary luxuries - and then people respond by giving you money.

Only a CF would spin somebody's kindness in stepping up to meet an expressed need into an opportunity to go out on a shopping spree and 'treat yourself' big-time.

Ulysees · 22/12/2023 10:34

pinkyredrose · 21/12/2023 10:47

I don't see what's wrong with that. It was your choice to have a whip round, you can't dictate what she did with it.

Her husband just died ffs.

Mabe you should've told her what she was 'meant' to do with the money. Why shouldn't she treat herself?

Show quote history

If you can't see it then you're most likely someone who would also do this

Ulysees · 22/12/2023 10:33

Jem57 · 21/12/2023 09:18

We did a collection in work only 10 of us for someone who lost her husband.
She was telling everyone how skint she was,didn’t know what to do.
We gave her £500 and she came in with a bunch of River Island bags showing us all her new clothes.It was meant to pay bills etc,the girls were fuming

I did something similar. Gave a friend a lot of money towards a funeral of someone close and she spent it on her house. Her choice but she bought silly things not necessities. I wouldn't do it again.

Cactusmad · 21/12/2023 20:07

Pinky red rose , the reason the people did a whip around is she was saying she was skint . Going in river island and coming out with bags full isn’t a priority.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 21/12/2023 16:56

I have close relatives like this like this… I feel your pain! The answer these days from every facet of our family shall forever be a resounding ‘No’. One bitten, never again!

pinkyredrose · 21/12/2023 10:47

Jem57 · 21/12/2023 09:18

We did a collection in work only 10 of us for someone who lost her husband.
She was telling everyone how skint she was,didn’t know what to do.
We gave her £500 and she came in with a bunch of River Island bags showing us all her new clothes.It was meant to pay bills etc,the girls were fuming

I don't see what's wrong with that. It was your choice to have a whip round, you can't dictate what she did with it.

Her husband just died ffs.

Mabe you should've told her what she was 'meant' to do with the money. Why shouldn't she treat herself?

Diddlyumptious · 21/12/2023 10:41
  1. Definitely a CF
  2. Handled really well you stood your ground 👏
  3. Well done DH for coming to his senses and taking extra shifts to pay you back ASAP. Spa here you come 🤣🤣
  4. Go your MIL! glad she sees what a CF her daughter is
And breathe 😀
Jem57 · 21/12/2023 09:18

We did a collection in work only 10 of us for someone who lost her husband.
She was telling everyone how skint she was,didn’t know what to do.
We gave her £500 and she came in with a bunch of River Island bags showing us all her new clothes.It was meant to pay bills etc,the girls were fuming

Cactusmad · 20/12/2023 17:06

Some people are takers , some are in genuine need. She doesn’t have much pride , that showed when she sent a long list. She used to being enabled. Think would she treat anyone like this as in passing it on . If not she’s a taker and not trying to dig her way out. The bit that gets me is the husband, would he do this for your siblings op?