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Original poster

Help - divorcing H due to him seeing escort

43 replies

FreshStart90 · 16/12/2023 20:44

Posting for traffic - name changed but long time mumsnetter.

Please can anyone help or offer advice if they’ve been in a similar situation.

I’m divorcing the B as I found hard evidence he saw and used an escort recently. I feel sick and can never look at him again let alone stay married to him. We have two beautiful children who (unlike me) will suffer the most.

I confronted him. He denied it. I told him I wanted a divorce and I have now submitted the divorce application - he has also received it.

He has thankfully left the home. The issue is he recently talked about quitting his job as he was unhappy there so I think he will 100% do this as he will want to try and avoid providing for the children. (He is spiteful like that). He is going to say to a court that he is too unwell to work (he has always threatened to do this during arguments so I know he will say it). There are various health conditions he can use to try and convince a court he can’t work. He won’t need an income as he’s living with his mum now.

I am on maternity leave and not being paid anymore, so if he doesn’t contribute it will be disastrous and I’m feeling sick and angry that he can destroy everything with his dirty behaviour and then on top of that fail to contribute towards his children.

My question is - if he says to the child maintenance service or the court that he has no income (but I have evidence that he has a lot of savings/investments, and is likely to get a huge bonus from work in a lump sum), what are his children entitled to? Will he have to pay child maintenance from his savings or his bonus or can it come out of income only?

I’m so scared and upset, please help if you have any info or have been in a similar situation, thanks in advance.

OP posts:
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Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 23:46

@Ohtobetwentytwo I can afford the monthly payment as it stands but not sure what the monthly payment would be if I buy him out - will find out what my options are from solicitors soon hopefully. Not sure I could afford any higher a payment than we are making currently

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Ohtobetwentytwo · 17/12/2023 22:57

When you say you can afford the mortgage, do you mean you can afford to pay the full monthly amount as it stands, or that you can afford to remortgage to a higher payment to release equity to buy him out?

I dont think it's as simply as carrying on paying the current monthly fee but hopefully you can get better advice x

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 21:37

@VanityDiesHard I completely agree. Throughout our 15 year marriage thinking back she has enabled him in many ways. She has always been very nice to me but puts him far too high up on a pedestal for absolutely no reason. Not blaming the MIL because he’s a 39 year old fully grown adult who should really know by this point how to behave and treat people, but some people are just sh*ts I guess. And they hide it well for years.

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VanityDiesHard · 17/12/2023 21:31

FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 20:05

@VanityDiesHard She would never put anyone above her son, he’s her prince! Treats him like he’s gods greatest gift, and although she was ashamed and sympathetic when my mum told her what he’d done, I am sure that since then he has told her it’s all lies and made up some excuse as to why I’ve said it

She sounds pathetic and enabling. Obviously, his behaviour is his fault and his fault alone, but she shouldn't enable him.

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 21:31

@millymollymoomoo Thank you: yes I agree blame is really irrelevant, I am fine with the cheating never even being brought up again least of all in court to be honest as it’s neither here nor there, nor is it going to be something a judge cares about. My one and only concern here is the children. And I want to keep the house for the sole reason that it will cause them minimal disruption as DD1 won’t have to change schools. It is bad enough that they are unlikely to see their dad for some time. They don’t deserve any additional upheaval.

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Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 21:28

@Ethylred I understand your point of view, but my technical question was really just a means to find out if anyone had been in a similar situation. For example, an ex H saying he has no income, and what the range of possible outcomes might be in that situation. I’ve received some really interesting and helpful information , which has given me food for thought, so it was definitely worth hearing from the anonymous randoms! Thank you all.

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Ethylred · 17/12/2023 20:10

@FreshStart90 You are wrong to infer that I'm bothered. However, your post was a technical question and listening to answers from unqualified randoms whose experience might or might not be comparable to yours is asking for trouble. Good luck.

millymollymoomoo · 17/12/2023 20:09

Remember op the legal process for divorce and financial settlement does not assign blame, and doesn’t seek to compensate for that.

it will look purely at what’s available and won’t leave one party with nothing nor expect one to be in a bedsit while the other is housed nicely

so it will come down to negotiation and compromise on both sides

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 20:05

@VanityDiesHard She would never put anyone above her son, he’s her prince! Treats him like he’s gods greatest gift, and although she was ashamed and sympathetic when my mum told her what he’d done, I am sure that since then he has told her it’s all lies and made up some excuse as to why I’ve said it

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Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 20:04

Also I’d probably prefer him living with her for free (and like a bit of a loser), rather than spending money that should form part of the marital pot, on a flat for himself, or for more hotels and escorts

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Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 20:02

feeling pretty strong today after all these replies, thank you all.

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Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 20:00

@Ethylred thanks for that input, obviously I’m going to speak to a solicitor tomorrow! In the meantime as it’s the weekend and most people on here are just looking for a bit of reassurance or a hand hold during a difficult time, and since posting I can see there are clearly many others who have been in a similar situation to me, and to see that others have got through it is somewhat reassuring actually, why does it bother you so much that I have asked for help and advice from a “bunch of anonymous randoms”?

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VanityDiesHard · 17/12/2023 19:47

Why is his mother letting him live with her!? If she is in touch with your mother, can't your mother speak to her and explain the true situation? She should be putting her grandkids first, not her feckless son.

Ethylred · 17/12/2023 19:44

FGS ask a lawyer, not a bunch of anonymous randoms on the internet.

mommatoone · 17/12/2023 19:43

Nothing really to add here other than what has already been said. Wishing you all the best OP , ive been in a similar situation (no kids though). What I will say though is that, you will get through this and come out the other end. Leave him stewing on his mums sofa because he couldn't keep his dick to himself. Im sure Shes very proud!

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 19:24

thank you, yes I’m aware nothing is really guaranteed, I guess I just wondered how a court might look at things and what sorts of issues I should raise but I will speak to a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice on all this

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millymollymoomoo · 17/12/2023 19:18

There’s automatic rights to snuthing despite what is often written on here

no one knows if you’ll be able to stay in the house.

this will all depend on total assets available
earnings
lentgh of marriage etc

you are entitled to a fair share which might be 50% but could be more OR less

youll need to discuss with your solicitor and negotiate with your ex

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 18:48

I have another question, can I refinance to get cheaper deals every couple of years without his permission or will he need to agree every time! Even though he won’t be paying anything towards it. Another thing he will probably try to block to be petty.

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Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 11:30

Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate all the input, he is blocked on all platforms so he cannot contact me.

He has no interest in seeing his kids as he’s so far away and hasn’t bothered asking even through our mums who are perfectly fine chatting and have spoken since the divorce was submitted, I blocked him as soon as I found out about the escort as I knew that was the end for me, these are all threats he made before leaving and I know I shouldn’t give it a second thought - but I know he’s spiteful as he’s just changed his Netflix password so none of the devices in the home can connect to it, even though it doesn’t cost him any more if anyone here watches it.

He’s just being vindictive and petty so it gives me an idea of what he’s going to be like going forward. I mean to change your Netflix password so that your child cannot watch something if they wanted to, shows you what a delightful man he was! It’s a good thing I can use a different Netflix account and no one here is bothered by his bizarre actions! It’s just a bit sad and pathetic of him. I would almost feel sorry for him if he wasn’t such a philandering loser.

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WorriedMum231 · 17/12/2023 11:12

I wouldn’t worry until he actually does the things he’s threatening to do.

You’re allowing his words to have way too much power over you. Stop discussing it with him, he probably loves the attention and power and talk only about access to the kids. Money, property and divorce issues can all through your solicitors. If he can’t be reasonable you have other options. You left him for a reason, don’t let that reason continue.

Tistheseason23 · 17/12/2023 11:09

Speak to your mortgage provider about taking on the mortgage in your own name and removing his. Find out asap if they will do this.

If you did have to move/downsize (lots of couples do on divorce) look at it differently eg it’s a fresh start not the end of the world.

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/12/2023 11:04

No if you can prove that you can afford the mortgage (get a mortgage capacity report as evidence) and are the resident parent it is unlikely the judge will force a sale. You will be given the lion's share in the settlement and like many men he may choose to offset the house and protect his pension.

The welfare of the children is considered paramount in these cases. It's in their best interests to remain in the family home and have the least disruption.

Both parties housing needs have to be taken into account - but that does not mean owning a home for him. Renting is perfectly sufficient.

Also if you scroll down this link you will see that the Government is bringing new legislation in to force unearned income such as savings, property income etc. to be taken into account in CMS calculations. The net is closing in on deadbeat fathers.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-launches-new-crackdown-on-parents-who-refuse-to-pay-child-maintenance#:~:text=The%20Government%20will%20legislate%20to,avoid%20paying%20the%20correct%20amount.

Government launches new crackdown on parents who refuse to pay child maintenance

Parents who refuse to pay child maintenance will face accelerated sanctions as Ministers announce the introduction of new powers to speed up strong enforcement action and other reforms to make the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) fairer.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-launches-new-crackdown-on-parents-who-refuse-to-pay-child-maintenance#:~:text=The%20Government%20will%20legislate%20to,avoid%20paying%20the%20correct%20amount.

Original poster
FreshStart90 · 17/12/2023 10:14

Thank you. He won’t do any childcare as he never did any during the marriage and he’s also living with his mum over 5 hours away so I can’t just drop kids at his door - the only possible way he can contribute is by paying maintenance. I’ve found out that he is getting paid for the next one year at least (redundancy package that he has negotiated) so he won’t be able to hide this will he?

Also it makes little sense to move out of this house er have spent a huge amount on home improvements some of which we are still paying for with loans. Kids are happy here, one goes to local school and my family and support network are all close by: after what he has done to me I need these things and so do the kids.

do I need to be afraid that a judge will force a sale even if I can afford the place on a full time salary? I’m going back to work in August when baby turns 1 but I can definitely go back sooner if needed. I was planning to work 3 days a week but on my full time salary I can afford mortgage and bills alone.

yes will speak to mortgage provider today and see if I can get a repayment holiday or go interest only for a few months which are both things they offer for cost of living purposes.

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Rocksonabeach · 17/12/2023 10:02

They will look at the last 12 months so if he stops working you can point this out - that he has earning potential just not using it.

get your solicitor to go for 100% of all marital assets pensions the lot and his money inheritance, shares etc

Heronwatcher · 17/12/2023 09:59

As others have said, the starting point would be that the house would likely be sold, although if you have the kids living with you most of the time you might be able to get more of the equity as you’ll need a bigger place. In terms of the financial settlement the court won’t be looking to “punish” him, just ensure that both parties get a fair settlement which allows them to move on. But from what you have said it sounds like this might be better anyway as you don’t want to cripple yourself paying for the house if you don’t have to.

As @BouncingJAS has said, start on the basis that you’ll get half the house and savings/ pensions and move on from there. Make sure he knows that if he’s not working he will be contributing in other ways, like doing some of the childcare himself. And if he’s working at the moment tell him that if he stops paying for childcare/ the mortgage (a) he will have the kids delivered to his door on the days you’ve had to cancel the nursery, and (b) you’ll do the same and the house will get repossessed (this is probably more threat than anything else but it might get him thinking).

Could you ask the mortgage company for a 6 month payment holiday to give yourself a bit of space and save up for contingencies? And start looking into smaller places for you and the kids- 1/2 bed if necessary- it won’t be forever and still better than living with him.