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Original poster

Disagreement with husband

40 replies

summerlovingvibes · 16/12/2023 11:21

I need perspective and for people to tell me if i was being unreasonable or not so I can reflect and either apologise or not when he gets home!

For context, 2 children age 3 & 1. Both awake around 7am. The 1 year old normally naps around 1pm for a couple of hours although she'd be happy to nap anytime from about 11am but we normally push her through lunch.

Not that it really matters but I'm full of cold and feeling rough - didn't have a good sleep and feeling pants today so this is where I don't know if I've gone off on one just because or if it was OK.

We have my car (a family car with child seats in) and predominantly I use, and his work van (which fits the car seats in but only just and he is allowed to use for private use). He uses his work van a lot for private use when it's just him and prior to this recent one which he got a few months ago we used his old work van a a lot more as it was bigger.

Today he planned to go see his mum, with the children, 20 mins away, for a park play and lunch.

10am he says he's going to take his work van and drive to a town to go and buy a new car seat for one of the children which would fit better so he doesn't have to pull his seat so far forward. Fair enough, we need a new seat.

However I pipe up and say that's a ridiculous idea - why would he drive 25 mins in the opposite direction to his mums house, to take 2 children to a shop to buy a car seat, which will then need fitting, to then drive all the way over to his mums house? 10am, my head does a quick calculation of arriving at shop 10:30/40 by the time we now got them sorted to go. Both out the car on his own, into a shop, big box of car seat, get them back to the car, probably put one child in whilst he opens box and leaves the other one ?in a trolly in the car park or messing around in the front seat? Whilst he fits as new seat.

All back in and over to his mum, probably arriving around 11:30 or later, to then have to go to a shop to buy lunch (his mum has dementia so we normally provide food), try and fit in a park play and then lunch. Bearing in mind the little one will be tired and wanting a nap straight after lunch which by now will be about 1:30-2pm?? Arriving home probably around 3pm.

Makes no sense to me.

So he then says he was planning to let the children nap in the car on way home and do a long drive so they can nap rather than bringing them home. Or just give the little one a much later nap.

For one the older one doesn't nap now and if she does fall asleep even for 10 minutes then she is a nightmare at bedtime. So allowing the little one to have 1-2 hour nap means a shite night with the older one, and a rubbish car nap for the little one (she needs good sleeps at weekend as has a busy week with child minder etc). For 2, normally when the little one naps I spend time with the older one just us for a short time. For 3, they will have spent an hour in the car doing a car seat purchase trip, and then another 2 hours for "nap". To me,, 3 hours in a car for the sake of park play and lunch is just silly.

Finally, he is going to that town either this afternoon or tomorrow afternoon ON HIS OWN as needs to help someone out with something. So surely he could zoom into the shop on his own then, nice and easy, no children. He is literally passing it within the next 24 hours!

JUST TAKE THE FAMILY CAR TODAY! All set up with correct seats, pram, changing bag and coats.

This is my thought process.

Was I being unreasonable?

His defence when I asked him why he wanted to do this is "I just wanted to do what I want to do".

In my mind no consideration for the children or his mum. Or me who will deal with the crap bedtime.

Tell me I was in the right here??

OP posts:
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SunRainStorm · 16/12/2023 22:33

It's all very well letting him call the shots on 'his day' but if his plan involves fucking up the sleep schedule of a baby and a pre schooler, only for him to then swan out of the house all afternoon while they are grumpy and difficult - then he's not dealing with the consequences- OP is.

It sounds like she could have worded it better to DH, but she's right about the plan being ridiculous.

Next time, I'd tell him that he can do what he wants, but he'll be cancelling his plans and dealing with the aftermath at home.

HerMammy · 16/12/2023 15:13

Leave him to it, he's taking the kids out and you can rest.

Original poster
summerlovingvibes · 16/12/2023 14:52

Thanks all for your replies.

He came home, and as soon as we had a moment alone out of ear shot of the children I pulled his aside and apologised. Said that I was sorry for railroading him, that I should have just respected his decision and not got involved with what he wanted to do today. I said I was sorry and that I was just saying it from a place of that it sounded like too much to fit into a morning.

He accepted my apology, said that actually it would have been too much to do and as it was he got to his mums and it was soo chaotic that he came home without giving her the medication as forgot! So dropped the children off, baby had a danger nano nap in the car for 10 minutes and then I spent 45 minutes trying to get her back to sleep, which didn't happen. So he's gone back to his mums now to give her the medication, and I'm dealing with a grumpy tired baby now who will have to push through to bedtime.

He'll be back around 7pm as now out all afternoon via his mums again.

So even without going to do the car seat it was a busy morning anyway!

But the good thing is we both apologised, he said he agrees it would have been too much but needs to learn to make his own mistakes, and I agree that I shouldn't meddle with his plans in future.

Alls well that ends well, but I'm dreading this afternoon still feeling rubbish to get through to bedtime!

Glad I wrote this post though because it definitely helped me to think about it from a different point of view.

OP posts:
CaineRaine · 16/12/2023 14:20

I think your intention came from a good place but I’m glad you recognise you were unreasonable. I’m assuming you’re the one who looks after them most so it’s natural to slip into the mode of “I’d not do it that way because I know what’ll happen”. But he’s their dad and you’ve got to give him the same freedom as you have to parent them, especially as nothing he was doing would put them in danger.

If it was me, I’d text him and say “Sorry for being a pain about the car seat earlier, I shouldn’t have interfered. Hope you’re having a nice time with your mum”. Then get some rest before they’re back x

LinguisticallyCunning · 16/12/2023 14:09

I think you realise where the argument started and although you haven't purposefully done so, you did overrule and override a decision he'd made. My dh does this to me sometimes and it is so frustrating having to say to him that I'm doing it my way because I want to. It might not always be the best or most efficient way but as an adult I should simply be trusted. I just let him get on with it if his plans have no impact on me, even if they go wrong - he has to deal with the consequences, not me.

SquishyGloopyBum · 16/12/2023 13:42

I don't think it was unreasonable. His idea made no sense plus of would have affected you with bedtime.

Appleblum · 16/12/2023 13:42

I agree with your line of thought, but I would honestly have left him to it, and then get him to take over if they are terrible at bedtime. I don't always agree with the way DH does things but I trust that he'll take good care of the kids when they're with him. If he wants to take the long meandering way then so be it.

Ladyj84 · 16/12/2023 13:35

Your being unreasonable. Men do very different things different ways. This is exactly what my hubby would do but guess what he's taking the 4 kids out so I couldn't care what mine does. There having fun with dad yay I get peace. So tbh yes tour being unreasonable yours has taken them out no need to make a fuss let him do it his way and you get to chill out

WorriedMum231 · 16/12/2023 13:34

summerlovingvibes · 16/12/2023 13:03

Point being on the time for getting home is for the 1 year old to have a nap. 3-4pm not an issue, we go out in the afternoon sometimes but in my mind 3-4pm far too late for her to be starting a nap - considering she'd usually awake after a nap at that time.

Show quote history

I do understand you’d prefer for her to stick to her routine and if you calmly said that then I think that’s cool. However, if he’s taking the lead on parenting today I’d say it was probably his decision? Probably not the way you’d do it, but I think reasonably that’s all you could/should probably point out.

FictionalCharacter · 16/12/2023 13:30

he had an idea and I squashed it, but he wanted to do what he wanted to do so wouldn't back down.

Sounds like this is it. His plan was daft, but he didn't like you telling him it was! You could have been more diplomatic but you've admitted that. But IMO his idea involved the kids spending too much time in the car seats.

I'd agree with PPs about just letting him go ahead with his silly plan, if he wasn't going to be swanning off afterwards leaving you with two tired cranky tots to deal with.

Sodndashitall · 16/12/2023 13:28

I get that your suggestion is sensible but you have to let him do things his way. And if it's dumb or causes more problems then leave him to suffer the consequences! So go out and do something else this afternoon

Maryamlouise · 16/12/2023 13:26

I used to feel the same way with my partner and would politely suggest a change to his idea in order to accommodate babies routines which he would often take as a criticism when that isn't what I meant. Babies were EBF so I was doing all the bedtimes and night wakings and I did feel like the impact of a bad day ended up on me. Is he doing a fair share of bedtimes and night wakings?

Original poster
summerlovingvibes · 16/12/2023 13:04

margotrose · 16/12/2023 13:01

@summerlovingvibes it is really difficult. The way I've dealt with it is to imagine how I'd like to be treated in the same circumstances and try and adapt my approach based on that.

I can be a bit overprotective of our dog and in the past I've caught myself telling DH not to do certain things with him Blush but at the end of the day as long as he's not doing anything harmful, he's just doing it differently and that's okay.

Yep thanks. I think I just need to work out how to make myself do that before I open my mouth. Before the situation escalates. Need to remember to stop & think it through from his perspective / put myself in his shoes.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerlovingvibes · 16/12/2023 13:03

WorriedMum231 · 16/12/2023 12:59

I actually think you’ve been quite unfair here. It really doesn’t seem like a big deal. You would just prefer he done it tomorrow but because he wanted to do it today (because of all the reasons you said) you got annoyed - it seems a bit controlling.

You get home at 3pm, so? It’s a Saturday assuming you’ve got no where to be at 3:30 or 4:00 I don’t see what the big deal is.

Point being on the time for getting home is for the 1 year old to have a nap. 3-4pm not an issue, we go out in the afternoon sometimes but in my mind 3-4pm far too late for her to be starting a nap - considering she'd usually awake after a nap at that time.

OP posts:
margotrose · 16/12/2023 13:01

@summerlovingvibes it is really difficult. The way I've dealt with it is to imagine how I'd like to be treated in the same circumstances and try and adapt my approach based on that.

I can be a bit overprotective of our dog and in the past I've caught myself telling DH not to do certain things with him Blush but at the end of the day as long as he's not doing anything harmful, he's just doing it differently and that's okay.

WorriedMum231 · 16/12/2023 12:59

I actually think you’ve been quite unfair here. It really doesn’t seem like a big deal. You would just prefer he done it tomorrow but because he wanted to do it today (because of all the reasons you said) you got annoyed - it seems a bit controlling.

You get home at 3pm, so? It’s a Saturday assuming you’ve got no where to be at 3:30 or 4:00 I don’t see what the big deal is.

Original poster
summerlovingvibes · 16/12/2023 12:52

@margotrose it is super hard isn't it? I think because I'm so used to having to think about everything day to day during the week I find it really hard to let go and release that control. I feel like if I don't say something then it will all be terrible, but chances are it won't be.

OP posts:
margotrose · 16/12/2023 12:25

summerlovingvibes · 16/12/2023 12:21

@margotrose I hadn't read you message before I wrote the message to a previous poster, but I value and appreciate your advice also. Same goes with everything I just said in the previous message. Thank you.

No problem! Like a PP said, it's clear you mean well, you just maybe need to think that there are different ways of parenting and just because you wouldn't do something, doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.

It's hard though, I know.

Dotcheck · 16/12/2023 12:22

Just leave him to it.
Would you be happy if he micromanaged how you deal with the kids? Just let him sort it.

Original poster
summerlovingvibes · 16/12/2023 12:21

@margotrose I hadn't read you message before I wrote the message to a previous poster, but I value and appreciate your advice also. Same goes with everything I just said in the previous message. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerlovingvibes · 16/12/2023 12:20

@YaWeeFurryBastard that's sound advice - thanks. I'm going to keep re-reading that. I do trust him, they are safe, there isn't harm in eating later etc. This is all true.

I don't know why I feel that every day has to be the same with regards to routine - one day here and there doesn't matter.

And yes, if they cry when they are out with him then that's his issue.

Thank you, I do actually really appreciate this because this is what I was thinking I should have been approaching it from, which is why I asked for advice. I was just so annoyed earlier I knew I was missing the opposite perspective, and I knew it.

Thanks. X

Will now go and enjoy some quiet time to myself for an hour or two before they are back.

And will have a think about how to apologise to him without opening an argumentative conversation .

OP posts:
margotrose · 16/12/2023 12:16

So how do others not overthink about everything to do with motherhood? How do others just ""go with the flow"? How do others not micro-manage / are able to step back? I feel like I genuinely need some tips on this!

Do you trust your partner?

If so, you just need to sit on your hands and let him be a parent. He might screw up occasionally but who doesn't? In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if they nap for too long or are a bit grumpy at bedtime so just let him get on with it.

You say yourself you wouldn't like to be treated that way so try and think of that next time too. Think about how you'd expect him to behave if you had plans that he didn't agree with and try and go from there.

Original poster
summerlovingvibes · 16/12/2023 12:12

I know for sure it won't be present related - his mum has dementia and he has to do lunch & medication so he wouldn't be able to skip this. Plus he has lots of other opportunities without then children, or with them another 2 days next week when he doesn't need to be going to his mums. Plus he's lost his debit card so took mine for lunch (or car seat) so any spending would be on my card.

I just know this 100% wasn't the reason.

In addition, I would fall over if he bought me a present in advance - normally it's Xmas eve or an after Xmas thought.

OP posts:
YaWeeFurryBastard · 16/12/2023 12:09

summerlovingvibes · 16/12/2023 12:02

Yeh this is probably what I need to be doing. I do feel like I get het up on "non-issues" and I don't really know how to not do that. I think the more I think about it now I probably should have gone down this route, I think I just over think about things too much.

I'm thinking about the kids being dragged around in the car, the bigger one wanting longer at the park and the little one being hungry and tired, his mum waiting for them as they would be later than planned which might throw her, and then all the afternoon and evening re-percussions.

So how do others not overthink about everything to do with motherhood? How do others just ""go with the flow"? How do others not micro-manage / are able to step back? I feel like I genuinely need some tips on this!

Show quote history

I sort of get where you’re coming from and I can tell you mean well. You just have to think to yourself that you trust him with the kids, they’re safe and well and nobody ever had lasting damage from eating a bit later or not getting to stay long at the park. If they start crying, well that’s for your husband to manage, I’m sure they’ll be fine and he might realise for himself that next time he needs to do things for himself, either way it’s no skin of your nose! Again, his mum is for him to deal with.

Devilsmommy · 16/12/2023 12:07

jolies1 · 16/12/2023 11:37

It sounds like it makes no sense at all but given the time of year is the urgent trip for a “car seat” possibly a week excuse for “we’re off to buy mummy’s Xmas presents”?

Exactly what I thought 🤔

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